The best or worst interview

This is why I always have someone present, when I do interviews.  Because, sometimes it is too good to be true.  Sometimes you need some to tell you, "yes, that really did happen".

Me: Tell me a little about your last position.
Him: I work at s..a..r.....(trail off)
Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that.
Him: Yes, I work in s...y..r....(trail off)
Me: Ok...Where are they located?
Him: It is by Iraq..(trail off)
Me: Oh, did you say Syria?
Him: Yes, I worked there.
Me: What did you do in Syria?
Him: I cleaned homes..floors...(trail off)
Me: Where else did you work?
Him: Stores, mostly.
Me: What store?
Him: Stores, where they sell things.

This is not going anywhere.  He speaks perfect English, with no accent.  It is not a communication problem.  He is just not specific.  So I switch tactics, and decide to talk about education. 

Me: Are you currently going to school?
Him: I will be going to college.
Me: That's great, where will you be attending?
Him: City College
Me: When are you starting?
Him: Next month...or in a year.

OK, there is a huge difference with "next month...or a year".  Maybe it is just nervous energy.  Maybe if we talk about something that they have a passion for, I can get a read on him.

Me: What will you major in?
Him: You mean, what I want to go to school for? What I want to be?
Me: Yes, what do you want to be?
Him: I want to be a SPY!!

There are a couple of things that race through my head.  The first and foremost is, if you just told a complete stranger, that you want to be a spy, then that automatically eliminates you from being a spy.  The second, the chances are slim to none that the local community college has a spy program, and I don't think I want to be the one to break it to him.  Also, if the community college did have said program, he is disqualified for announcing that he wants to be a SPY!!!

Me: Excuse me?
Him: I want to be a spy.
Me: a spy?
Him: You know a spy, kind of like the FBI

Kind of like the FBI????? Let's just look at this for a minute.  You know about the FBI, so I imagine that you know what the FBI does.  So it is definitely not the FBI, but still "kind of like the FBI".  Yet, there is no mention of the CIA.  It seems unfathomable to me, that you would withhold mentioning the CIA, because you wanted to keep THAT a secret.  When you just announced that you want to be a spy.  I can only conclude there there is some other covert spy program that he wants to be a part of.  One that he does not feel comfortable explaining to this layman.

Me: Thank you very much for taking the time to talk to us.  You are the first of many interviews for this position.....

I was officially done with the interview and gave him the brush off.  I don't need these sort of problems.  I don't mind his aspirations of being a spy.  I mind that he will be the dumbest spy in the world.  I do not need a staff member working on his spy skills on my dime.  I can just imagine him sitting in the corner with a newspaper in front of him, hole cut out for observation purposes.  Or finding a poorly hidden reel to reel in my office. 

I know that he would have been a virtual cavalcade of blog posts.  I just can't chance it.

WARNING: Viewer Descretion Advised

Due to the subject matter, this post should only be read by adults.  There may be times where the subject may make you uncomfortable or offend.  Should this happen, feel free to call off for the rest of the day, to question why you are either uncomfortable or offended.  You have been officially warned.

I have told this story so many times, I don't know who I told it too.  So if you heard it, read it again.  It is one of those stories that take a life of it's own.  That story, that is repeated by multiple people, and is prefaced by "my friend knows this guy, who worked with this other guy..." That guy is me, and this is my story.

I used to share my office space with my Assistant Manager (Matt) and our Assistant (Jim).  It was tight quarters, and when it was too quiet we would have random conversations to cut the silence.  One day Matt announces "fart is a silly word".  I agree and say, "you know what else is a silly word...fellatio". 

I know, I shouldn't have said it.  Please spare me the finger wagging, and enjoy the magic.

Jim turns to us and asks "What's a fellatio?" 

This is the moment where all my training as a liar came into use.  This is also the moment where I became a World Class Liar (WCL).

With the most serious expression, I tell him that it is a sandwich.  Not just a regular sandwich, the best sandwich you've ever had.  I could not look at Matt, while I said this, because he is trying not to laugh, so I continue.  "It is kind of like a grinder, but way better.  There are many options, and it really is a personal preference".  Jim then asks "where do I get one? it sounds deliscous".

At this point, I am amazed that this is happening.   So I push the envlope.

"No matter where you are, you can always find one, you just need to know where to look.  You can always get one downtown.  Sometimes they are selling them on the street, but I would not have a street fellatio as your first one.  Make it event, enjoy it.  Go somewhere you trust, with a good reputation.  And if someone offers you one, you should go for it.  Hell, a good freind will go downtown and get two fellatio's and come back and give one to you."

I know what you are thinking, and I disagree.  This story does not make me a bad man.  What makes me bad, is that I never told him the truth.

Intro to Old People 101

Today's class will be very unconventional.  Today we will be focusing on focusing.

Keeping eye contact is a life skill that everyone should have.  This is especially important with the Oldies. This gives the impression that you are listening, and the person that is talking feels like they have your undivided attention.  More important, you don't have to see what else is going on.

You see on Oldie, has a lot going on, from the neck down.  I can't even begin to tell you the atrocities I have seen.   Open shirt bad...missed buttons with no bra, way worse.

Fashion for an Oldie goes like this: In style, out of style, in style, retro, antique, sheer.
When it hits antique, it becomes dangerous.  Then there is one more step, sheer.  This is when it is so old that the fabric has become see through.  So gross.

I have seen Jesus world tour shirts, that should be in the Smithsonian.

Heart felt apology

Hey...it's me.
I know it has been a while, since we last talked.  I apologize.
It's not you.  It's me.

I know it is cliche. It really is me.

I have a lot going on.  Whao, wait a minute...don't cry.
I didn't mean to hurt...I know, I know...I am so sorry.

I just have had a lot...I know that is not an excuse, I'm not trying to make...
I don't know why I didn't contact you sooner.  I know I could have...no my fingers are not broken.

Look, I'm not breaking up...no, don't cry.
I just wanted to let you know what was going on.

I have been slammed at work, and haven't had time to scratch my butt, let alone do a blog.
I went from preparing for my daughters fifth birthday, to getting ready for audits at work....
And the whole time this was going on...


Yes I did, she is five.  No, I told you I had a daughter.  Yes, it was a Hello Kitty massive sugar party, it was really fun.  Everyone had a good time.

I don't know, I just didn't think to invite you...

STOP YELLING...I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD...
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!

YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT!! I'M SORRY I TRIED...YES I DID TRY!!!
LISTEN!!! IF YOU WANT TO READ MY BLOG, THEN READ IT.  I WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT I'M BACK.

REALLY?!? YOU DON'T CARE?!?!?!

THAN WHY ARE YOU READING THIS!?!?!!?

Intro to Old People 101

I can't remember anyone's name.  Which is weird, because I can tell you that The Polecats sang "make a circuit with me", at the drop of a dime.  But I won't remember your name, three seconds after you tell me.  Most of the people around me think that it is that I don't care.  The truth is, I REALLY don't care. 

I keep a lot of useless information on hand and want to make sure there is enough room for random stuff.  My mind is not a steel trap, and never was, my mind is more like a colander.  When someone talks to me, I only retain certain bullet points.  The rest falls through the colander.  This gives me ample space for all the dumb crap, I find important.  If there is something that I need to pull out of our conversation.  I look at the few items in the colander and piece the conversation together.

This is something that has been very useful to me, when working in my environment.  You see, Old People can't get a story out, if their life depended on it.  They come in my office and talk for 20 minutes (if I am lucky).  When they are done, I look at the two items in my colander, and deal with it.  Usually I start thinking about songs from the 80's, when they are talking.  This gives the impression that I am paying attention.

Example
Oldie: I have a problem at my house, where I live.  My floor plan has...
In my head: Our house, in the middle of the street.  Our house, in the...
Oldie: ...I went to the bathroom...
In my head: Mirror in the bathroom, please talk free.  The door is locked just...
Oldie: ...When I returned I knocked over this table.  It is a little table that I got in Europe, that is hand made by this artisan.  The stuff fell off the table, but luckily my tea cup was empty.  I usually have tea in the afternoon...
In my head: Continue to sing Mirror in the bathroom, then move on to other English beat songs
Oldie: ...the sugar is stuck to the wheels on my walker...
In my head: Lips like sugar, sugar kisses. Lips like sugar, sugar kisses...
Oldie: ...daughter always had an interest in science...
In my head:  She blinded me with science..
Oldie:..and that is why I call my son everyday at 11

This is reason enough, to have selective hearing.  If I listened to every story, from every Oldie, my brain would overload.  So when dealing with Old People, follow these simple steps:

• Do not listen to everything
• Look like your paying attention, by nodding knowingly
• Sing songs in your head to keep you awake 

Class dismissed

Intro to Old People 101

The Passing Lane:
Walking behind an Old Person, presents problems. They will gravitate toward you and cut you off.  They can feel your presence as you are getting near, then in an effort to get out of the way, they move over.  Unfortunately they have just moved in front of you. 

The trick is to pass them NASCAR style.  Go as fast as you can directly in line with the old person, then at the last minute switch to the other side of the hall and pass.  If they freak out and move to the other side of the hall, then that is a bonus.  They just got out of your way.  Be warned, you do not want attempt to draft them.  This will always turn out bad.  You don't want to get a nose full of that exhaust.

This is a very dangerous maneuver if done incorrectly.   You will be in constant danger, so be very careful.  Oldies are constantly crop dusting their way down the hall.  So there is the chance you could find yourself walking into an Old Person's fart.  Just maintain your speed, and hold your breath.

Class dismissed.

Intro to Old People 101

The Phone:
It doesn't matter how old your favorite Senior is, they grew up with a phone.  The phone was invented in 1870.  If they were alive before then, it would make them 142 years old.  I know they seem that old, but it is physically impossible.  Now there is a strong possibility that they did not grow up with one inside their home.  But as they grew older they went from rotary to push button and kept up with the advancements.  You can give them credit for understanding the technology, just don't push what you want, on them.

Cell phones are a regular part of our lives and have become more and more affordable.  Be very careful when purchasing an Oldie a cell phone.  Know your target audience.  If you get them a smart phone, it would be smarter than it's operator.  This is what happens, you buy a cell phone for your Senior, then someone like me has to spend countless hours explaining the phones basic functions.  This is the best case scenario.  The other side of that coin, you purchase it, then have to take time off from your job to show them how to make each and every call, from now until they die.

The answering machine is just as bad, if not worse.  You have a civic duty to help an Oldie set up the machine.  They should not be able to make the purchase with out recording the out going message, before they leave.  When you call and Oldie, this is what you hear: "you didn't do it right, your supposed to press that button.  Where is the book, it says in the...beeeeep".

Here is the interesting part.  They cannot figure out how to record the out going message, but they have no problem listening to the messages.  Just be forewarned, when calling an Oldie, you need to follow the correct procedure.  When calling an Oldie, make sure to talk loud, clearly and slow.  You also want to present the information in a clear manner.  State your name, your number, your message, your name, your number, then your name again.  It may sound like overkill, but you have to understand that when they are listening to your message, they are talking to the answering machine at the same time.  The only part that they will be able to hear is the last time you state your name and number.

Class Dismissed