WARNING: Viewer Descretion Advised

Due to the subject matter, this post should only be read by adults.  There may be times where the subject may make you uncomfortable or offend.  Should this happen, feel free to call off for the rest of the day, to question why you are either uncomfortable or offended.  You have been officially warned.

I have told this story so many times, I don't know who I told it too.  So if you heard it, read it again.  It is one of those stories that take a life of it's own.  That story, that is repeated by multiple people, and is prefaced by "my friend knows this guy, who worked with this other guy..." That guy is me, and this is my story.

I used to share my office space with my Assistant Manager (Matt) and our Assistant (Jim).  It was tight quarters, and when it was too quiet we would have random conversations to cut the silence.  One day Matt announces "fart is a silly word".  I agree and say, "you know what else is a silly word...fellatio". 

I know, I shouldn't have said it.  Please spare me the finger wagging, and enjoy the magic.

Jim turns to us and asks "What's a fellatio?" 

This is the moment where all my training as a liar came into use.  This is also the moment where I became a World Class Liar (WCL).

With the most serious expression, I tell him that it is a sandwich.  Not just a regular sandwich, the best sandwich you've ever had.  I could not look at Matt, while I said this, because he is trying not to laugh, so I continue.  "It is kind of like a grinder, but way better.  There are many options, and it really is a personal preference".  Jim then asks "where do I get one? it sounds deliscous".

At this point, I am amazed that this is happening.   So I push the envlope.

"No matter where you are, you can always find one, you just need to know where to look.  You can always get one downtown.  Sometimes they are selling them on the street, but I would not have a street fellatio as your first one.  Make it event, enjoy it.  Go somewhere you trust, with a good reputation.  And if someone offers you one, you should go for it.  Hell, a good freind will go downtown and get two fellatio's and come back and give one to you."

I know what you are thinking, and I disagree.  This story does not make me a bad man.  What makes me bad, is that I never told him the truth.

Heart felt apology

Hey...it's me.
I know it has been a while, since we last talked.  I apologize.
It's not you.  It's me.

I know it is cliche. It really is me.

I have a lot going on.  Whao, wait a minute...don't cry.
I didn't mean to hurt...I know, I know...I am so sorry.

I just have had a lot...I know that is not an excuse, I'm not trying to make...
I don't know why I didn't contact you sooner.  I know I could have...no my fingers are not broken.

Look, I'm not breaking up...no, don't cry.
I just wanted to let you know what was going on.

I have been slammed at work, and haven't had time to scratch my butt, let alone do a blog.
I went from preparing for my daughters fifth birthday, to getting ready for audits at work....
And the whole time this was going on...


Yes I did, she is five.  No, I told you I had a daughter.  Yes, it was a Hello Kitty massive sugar party, it was really fun.  Everyone had a good time.

I don't know, I just didn't think to invite you...

STOP YELLING...I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD...
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!

YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT!! I'M SORRY I TRIED...YES I DID TRY!!!
LISTEN!!! IF YOU WANT TO READ MY BLOG, THEN READ IT.  I WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT I'M BACK.

REALLY?!? YOU DON'T CARE?!?!?!

THAN WHY ARE YOU READING THIS!?!?!!?

My parents said I'm beautiful

Fill your kids with confidence, there are a lot of people in the world that are ready to knock them down.  You don't have to one of them.  Tell them they are beautiful or handsome, tell they are smart.  Let the rest of the world tell them they are ugly or dumb.  And when they do, be there to pick up the pieces.  This is text book parenting.  This is what we are supposed to do.

I don't care that I was not raised that way.  I managed to get by regardless of my upbringing.  It has made me a better parent.  I don't adhere to the helicopter parent approach, but I do a good job.  That helicopter parent is doing more damage than good.  They are hovering around their kid, keeping them from encountering those things that will make them stronger.  They keep their kids covered in a layer of sanitizing gel, then the child gets a common cold and is laid up in the hospital for a week.

Teach your kids the meaning of work.  They are not too good to get their hands dirty.  This country would be nowhere if early settlers didn't step out of their comfort zone.  This sense of entitlement is going to lead to our country's down fall.  It is not a step down if your kid is digging ditches.  I did it, and I turned out fine.  As a matter of fact, I tell people on a regular basis, that digging ditches was the only job I had, where you start at the top and work your way down. Go ahead and write that down.

Confidence is good, dumping it in them like they are awaiting the throne is not.  They will have to eventually fend for themselves.  Telling them that they are model material is bad too.  I'm sure you think your child is gorgeous, you have too.  Just be realistic about it.  They will one day be at a modeling agency insisting that they have what it takes and end up being the model demonstrating how to use a Neti Pot.

Do what you want to do, just remember this.  You could raise your children my way or you could open a pamphlet and see your little girl with a plastic pot shoved up one nostril and water pouring out the other.  You decide.





Note: the Neti Pot is a fine product that works well.  I just don't think I want anyone to see me use one.

Learn how to speak!!!

I may have not had the best upbringing, but there are some things I am very thankful for.  The biggest thanks would be that we were ruthless to each other.  My brother and sister would pick apart any flaw, and I to them.  For instance, when I was a kid I had a nervous habit of saying "uhm".  My siblings declared me a retard and that I sounded stupid.  This only helped me feel self conscious.  Where they helped the most is when my sister decided to show me how stupid I sound.  Every time I said "uhm", she would mock me by yelling "muuuhhh".
I am pretty sure that it was not their intention to help me.  Nor is it mine, when I make fun of others.  I do hope that it helps them in the future.  If you are close to me, I will be very quick to point out your shortcomings.  If you are not, I am very hesitant.  This is a learned behavior, from years of people telling me to be nice.  This makes me boil over, I need to say something, so I will say it to you.
One of the department heads, at my work (let's call her Terry), has some sort of speech impediment.  I don't know if it a true impediment.  I'm kind of giving her the benefit of the doubt.  She can not say school or cool, she says skoo and koo.  She doesn't do it in a ghetto way, that's just how she pronounces it.  So you can imagine, I find every opportunity to get her to say these two words. 
The other day, she comes into my office and is talking about a recent purchase.  She says that she got it at Walmark.  Hmmm, this caught my interest, so I made her repeat it.  Yes she said Walmark.  My office staff, knowing that I am an A-Hole, decide to jump into the conversation.  She must have said it twenty times.  So I guess it makes it official...

Terry thinks Walmark is too koo, for skoo.

You drive a what?!?!

Personally, I think the main reason that car manufacturers inject new blood into existing lines, they are running out of names.  Maybe I am off base, but it can't be too long before it happens.  When I was a kid, cars had cool sounding names and were all about horse power and getting 12 FT to the gallon.  That is how you made it directly to third base.  Not that I know anything about that.  I drove a 69 Plymouth Valiant, that would make you swallow your retainer when I opened her up.  (See that, that there is car talk). 

All the cool names are gone.  So I suggest moving toward medical terminology.  The Ford Glaucoma or the Toyota Tetanus.  Those are cars I would drive.  Or use accounting terms.  The Honda Amortization sounds way better than the Honda Fit.  The Amortization sounds like it dominates other cars, the Fit sounds like Richard Simmons made it.  This is not when all the Fit owners threaten me.  I know they are good cars, they just could have taken more than 10 minutes to name it.  Imagine if it was named the Honda Capitalize or the Macroeconomic.  It doesn't change the car, just gives it a cool name.  Don't be mad, I'm in the same boat.  I have a Scion Xb, that I really wish was called the Viagra.

Merry New Year!!

I trust everyone had a happy holiday.  Hopefully your stockings were filled with merriment and your champagne glasses overflowed with gifts.  I took a nice vacation, and got away from it all.  While I was away, I overflowed with things to write on my Blog.  It is so much, that I decided to break it off in small, digestible bites.  I do, however have something to get off my chest.

What the hell is Nog?  According to the dictionary it is a "strong ale formerly brewed in Norfolk, England".  Hmmmm, really?  The only Nog I know of is Eggnog.  Why is this the only Nog and why can't we have the strong ale formerly brewed in Norfolk, England?  That sounds delicious, and it doesn't sound like a seasonal item.  The Eggnog comes once a year.  It must be really lucrative to have an Eggnog company.  Either that or they are the same people that make Advent Calendars and Dreidels.  I say that in order to be considered a Nog, other companies need to catch up and create thier own lovely variations.  I close my eyes and imagine a thick sturdy ale...and smile.


Now the subject of bets.  It isn't so much that I like making them, I like making people do ridiculous things.  One of my favorite things is shave one leg.  The loser of the bet needs to shave one leg.  Any leg of their choice.  The fun part of it, they shave one for the bet, then have to decide if they want to shave the other one.  The female version, stop shaving one leg for two to three weeks.  


My Assistant and I recently had a bet.  No, not the shaving thing.  The bet is to wear two different pairs of shoes, one black the other a different color.  This gave her a lot of anxiety.  She realized that if she lost she would be wearing two different shoes that did not have matching heels.  She would be walking lopsided all day.  She also realized (way too late), that if I lost, I would not care.  I would rock the two shoes with pride.  Guess who lost.

Not only did she walk funny all day, her heels made two different sounds while walking down the hall.

Slammed

To say I am busy is an understatement.  I love the Holidays, but it is a whirlwind.  To me and the hordes of shoppers fighting over this years "Tickle-me-Elmo", this is the Busy Season.  I have not submitted a new blog in forever.  I apologize, but sacrifices need to be made.  It is either blog or have clean clothes.  My family and co-workers voted down the blog.  It is all for a good cause.  I love making Christmas a special time for my family.  Even if this is not how I was raised.

I did not grow up making gingerbread houses and decorating cookies.  One year I got a subscription to National Geographic and I was ecstatic.  I opened my gift and there was a post card saying that I had this subscription.  I tell this story and my kids get sad for me.  I tell them it was the greatest gift of all.  I knew right away, that I would be receiving a new issue every month.  It was like Christmas all year long. 
The Busy Season does make me thankful.  I am very proud what my wife and I have accomplished.  We are very fortunate.  Sometimes I need to be reminded, and sometimes the reminder comes in the strangest places. 

I was fighting for a parking space in the rear of the parking lot.  This would be a clear indication that you are screwed, when you have to wait for a spot to open at the far end of the lot.  This Mercedes pulls up and swoops my spot.  I would normally yell at this woman until her rectum ran out of her ass in fear.  This time I decided to be civil, and was awarded a spot right next to the Mercedes.  I laughed at the idea that this pompous bitch did not get the best of me.  She thinks she is hot shit in her Mercedes.  Then I saw the cassette tapes strewn on the front seat.

That is when I realized that she is not doing better than me.  She drives a Mercedes, rockin' a cassette deck.  Things are not always as they seem.  I am glad I gave her that spot.  It may be the only thing that goes right with her day.  Now I wonder if I can unload my old Dead Milkmen cassettes.

Thanks

I joke that all my friends are dead, and I do it often.  Not because I am callous, but out of respect.  I have not changed that much over the years.  My friends know me as a sharp tongued smart ass, of infinite proportions.  Living or dead, I'm going to make fun.  They would have it no other way.

Last night I reflected on the friends that I have lost.  The good times that we had and the harsh reality that the are gone forever.  What saddens me is that this could have been avoided. Alcohol related liver failure, Heroin overdose, working yourself to the grave and suicide.  None of this needed to happen.

I have formed new friendships over the years, but saw my old  friendships as a security blanket.  "friends will help you move, best friends will help you move a dead body".  That has been my philosophy.  

I don't like to waste my time reflecting on things that I cannot change.  I prefer to keep focus on the future.  This Thanksgiving I give thanks to all the things that I have, not what I don't.  My wife and kids are everything to me and I am very thankful.  God has been very good to me.

It is time to let go of the security blanket.  Enjoy the new friendships that are being forged.  It is time to make a new list of people that will help me move a dead body.

The greatest gift

The greatest gift, is a gift that keeps on giving.  I know you are thinking STD, but I mean something good.  Not burning sensation.

I was given this awesome gift from Sir Cardigan.  It is a lego clown, less than an inch tall.

I keep it on my desk, sort of out of the way.  Apparently when you are scared of clowns, and you have a tiny clown perched on your desk, it freaks people out.

That my friends, is AWESOME!!!

Pain in the ass?

I heard a piece on the radio about people that didn't know some things to be true.  A lady learned in a dinner party, that there was no such thing as unicorns.  Another person thought elves were real and was referring to people smaller than midgets.

I have a confession to make.  I am not 100% sure what hemorrhoids are.  I know it sounds odd, but I'm just being honest. I have never experienced the problem and honestly don't know what to look for if I was.  I just know that everything is fine down south, no problems to report.

This came up when a co-worker admitted the same.  Again, this is very odd.  You see, I work in the health care industry.  Nope, I am not a doctor.  I work in the operations aspect.  So it would make sense that I would know about these things.  I can explain Scabies in great detail, tell you how it is contracted and how to disinfect.  Yet, I don't know crap about hemorrhoids. 

I blame the internet for this problem.  It holds a wealth of information, but I am afraid to type in hemorrhoids.  It's like the Guinness book of world records.  When you crack it open you expect to find the world record holder in, whatever.  I put hemorrhoid into my search engine, I'm going to see a more than I want to see. 

I vote that someone make search engine that does not pull up the extreme situation.  So you can be introduced to a subject without causing irreparable damage to your psyche or give you nightmares.  A place where a person could look up hemorrhoids or ring worm and not want to vomit.

Bill Gates, if you are still reading my blog, please have this taken care of.

confuses say, you so stupid.

There is currently a reality TV show about a family dealing with economic upset.  Really, a show about people dealing with real life.  This is absurd.  It is not a drama or sitcom.  It's not like "Good Times", with Florence and the kids dealing with living in the projects.  It is real life.

There used to be a day, when writers would write a show and sometimes it would work, other times it wouldn't.  But there was a certain amount of creative process that was involved.  It seems to me that they come up with a rough idea and throw a camera crew in the general direction.  When is it enough?  When we have an interactive facebook that records everything in your life so that people can tune in?

At least with movies they are trying their best to rework the same ten movie plots.  I am positive there is a room full of executives that throw darts at a wall full of random ideas.  First dart: missing limb, second dart: dolphins.  "Let's make a movie about a dolphin with a missing fin!" 

This lack of effort has slowly crept into our lives and I will not stand for it.  Fortune cookies should have fourtunes in them.  Even if they are not even close to being accurate, give it a try anyway.  I opened one up the other day, and it had a statement.

 No fortune, just a statement or observation.  You are not trying!!!  It could have easily said, "you have a pulse" and been just as relevant. 

We should always put our best foot forward, don't settle for middle of the road and more importantly, do not watch reality TV.

Chivalry is not dead...it is in hiding

As I dropped off my daughter this morning, I saw a parent and child that I was not familiar with.  In day care circles this means that the person is new or they are "off cycle".  Everyone comes around the same time every day.  You get accustomed to seeing the same kids and parents.  We don't know each others names, but only as "so-and-so's" mom/dad.  When you are "off cycle" then you have some schedule changes that force you coming at a different time.

This mom was definitely dealing with schedule changes.  She interacted with the teacher, knew them by name (which is a hell of a lot better than me).  Her and her son seemed very nice.  After saying my good bye's to my daughter,  and telling her what's for dinner (she needs to know what's for dinner), I head to my car.

As I am leaving the parking lot, I see her walking up the street.

This it the dilemma:
If I don't ask her if she needs a ride, I look like a complete douche.  If I do ask her, then I look like a creepy guy.  I am going the same way as her, her son goes to the same school as my daughter, she saw me with my daughter in the school.

So I gave her a ride.  Upon entering my car she felt obliged to tell me that she never excepts rides and I in turn needed to tell her I never offer.  I never offer, because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or seem like a creepy guy.

I feel like I have to explain all this in detail, and am sure I am not the only one who feels this way.  Look people, chivalry and good manners has not gone the way of horse driven carts.  It is very much alive and well.  It is hard to pull over and offer someone help, and they look at you like you are an axe murderer.  I know that everyone should be cautious, and don't want to change that.  I just want everyone to be aware that there are men out there that have good intentions.  Despite the uncomfortableness of helping someone, I will continue to offer.  Until I get a face full of mace, then you are all on your own.

Epilogue...
She needed a ride to an office located on Magnolia.  This is the biggest street in our city.  No problem, she said that it was just down the street.  9 miles later, we arrive at our destination.  Good thing it was in the opposite direction from my work.

Life, death and the important stuff in between.

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for a dear friend.

Angie and her family gave me my first job.  This is where I learned the basis of the leadership that I use every day.  This is where I grew up.

In the past few years, I was the pole bearer for her husband Mike.  Who taught me to keep your nose to the grind stone, never ask anyone to do anything, you don't know how to do and the harshest management style known to mankind.

Her son Chris was my first mentor.  He taught me customer service, dedication and how to be a true leader.  He was a good friend and I miss him dearly.  He passed away about a year ago.

Angie was the foundation for the whole family.  She was prim and proper in a sea of dirt and grease.  She believed in me, no matter what.  She always made sure I knew, I was family.

This was a huge loss and sent me into a sad state.  It wasn't just that Angie passed.  It was like Mike and Chris dying all over again.  To see the other family members, and offer my condolences.  I felt like I was saying sorry, for ALL the losses.  This was very apparent when one of the surviving sons, broke down with me.  We sobbed for everyone.

My wife is very supportive, and lets me deal with my sadness my own way.  I love the memory of my friends and carry on their legacy in everything I do.  I am fortunate that I am in a position that allows me the opportunity to teach other people leadership fundamentals.  This is how I repay them, for all they did for me.

After the services, I took off my suit jacket and we picked up our kids.  When we got home, I stayed in the garage to take some things out of the car.  In order to save time, I put on my jacket and walked in the house.  My daughter turned around and says: "Why are you so dressed up?  You look very handsome."

In one simple conversation, everything is right in the world.  Everything will be ok.

crazy produce

I don't mind going to the grocery store, that's where they keep all the food. Since I like to eat, it makes sense, that I like to buy the food I like to eat.  Try to keep up with the math.

For the most part, I buy name brand cereals for my kids. I don't mind buying the generic brand, when it tastes the same, but I am not going to deprive my kids from sugery goodness.  I also will not buy this cereal...

Not because it doesn't taste like Trix, because I really have no idea.  I won't buy it because of the name.  Freaky Fruits will lead to many uncomfortable conversations with my kids.  It is inevitable that they will ask, why are these fruits freaky?  I will either have to lie or tell them about the alternative lifestyle these fruits lead.  I am not suggesting that I will hide these things from my kids, but I don't condone launching into these conversations because of a box of cereal.

These fruits should be able to live their lives without public ridicule.  They should live like the majestic Pluot.  The Pluot is a cross between a plum and a apricot.  Or the Grapple, an apple that tastes like a grape.  They hang out in the specialty area of the fruit stand.  Nobody understands it, they gawk, then move on to the conventional fruit.  Not me.  I embrace this alternative fruit, and I do it in a way that is respectful.  I don't go around throwing labels, like freaky fruit. 

There will be a day, God willing, that there will be unlimited choices.  If you only like apples, great eat an apple.  If you only eat bananas, I don't judge.  I also want to eat my Pluot and Grapple, and nobody should try to stop me.  Mark my words, one day there will be a Cran-Apple the size of my head, and that my friend, is THE WORLD I WANT TO LIVE IN!!!!

Government control

I believe everyone should get the freedom choice.  I don't think that we should be monitored by Big Brother, The Government or Aliens that are planning to annihilate us.  I also believe that most people take this freedom and crap all over it, and ruin it for everyone.  There is a reason that the gas station stopped letting people use the restroom, because YOU messed it up for the whole class.

You should be able to buy what you want, when you want.  But there are some things that are a really bad idea.  I am not pro gun control, but think that you should not be allowed to buy a 30 round clip for your AK-47.  Why do you need that?  You can make the argument that it is one of our fundamental freedoms to bear arms.  I could not agree more.  However, I do not think our founding fathers meant that you should be better armed than most third world countries.  I am not suggesting that the government take control, I am saying that the manufacture needs to take some sort of responsibility.
 
This responsibility should resonate in all areas of our lives.  But, time and time again, I am faced with the fact that large corporations, just don't care.  This could not get any more evident than the latest menu item at McDonalds.  You can buy 50 McNuggets for $9.99.  This seems insane to me.  Why would you need 50 nuggets?  You can't argue that this item is for a family, when there are no other items on the menu that cater to this.  You can go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and buy a bucket of chicken.  They base their menu on this.  You can buy different combinations that are suited to your family.  Everything at McDonalds is for an individual, including the two cheeseburger meal.

Companies NEED to take responsibility for their actions.  This is the sort of thing that will lead to the government mandating that you cannot purchase more than said amount of calories per day.  This will happen and every wingnut in a trailer will scream that the government is trying to take control of EVERYTHING.  They wouldn't have to if society could show some self control.

I am a fattie, and I love to eat.  I will also be the first one to vote that there needs to be a mandatory waiting period to buy a crate of McNuggets.

You made me do this

When I was a growing up, there was a little thing called integrity.  Considering that I was associated with the dregs of society, it may seem like a exaggeration.  For example, we would get into bar clearing brawls, but the police were never involved.  You could leave your backpack in front of the 7-11 (so they could ensure no one would shoplift), and nobody would take it.  Maybe it is a case of honor among thieves, anyway you look at it...things were better.

I was at a Starbucks recently (where I ONLY order large coffee flavored coffee) and had to use the restroom.  There was a shelf in the restroom, and I couldn't understand why.  It occurred to me that its sole purpose was to place your coffee, while you take care of business.  This seems really gross to me.  I would not take my coffee into a public restroom, and I certainly don't need shelf.  If I do need to use the restroom, and I didn't have the wherewithal to think about this BEFORE I ordered my ten dollar coffee, then I would put it on a table.

What world do you live in where you need to bring your coffee into a public restroom.  Are people concerned that someone would take their coffee?  I have experienced how people order drinks at Starbucks.  I can say with great certainty that you are the only one that likes your coffee.  The person that drags their coffee into the restroom is the same person who took five minutes to order the stupid drink.  Nobody wants it, you can leave it on a table.

How about we meet halfway.  They can place a shelf outside the restroom, so you feel special.  Just be warned, now that I know that you are a complete douche...I am taking your drink.

Be a candy bar

You know what, Forrest was kind of right.  Life is not like a box of chocolates, people are.  You have all these wonderful differences that make us a community or a box of chocolates.  What I don't like are the people that are like nougat.  Nougat was created as a filler, so they don't have to add all the good stuff.  Nougat is crap wrapped in chocolate.

This analogy goes a long way, it applies to just about everything.  Music: Van Halen was chocolate with nuts, after David Lee Roth it turned to nougat.  Movies: Terminator 1 was chocolaty caramel goodness  Terminator 2 and on, were nougat bombs.

Now that you get it, you can apply this to life.  What kind of person have you been, and who would you like to be?  I would like to think that I am a solid Hershey bar, but others would differ.  I am more like the Hershey with almonds.  Good hearty chocolate laced with nuts.

Try not to be nougat, because the best that you can be is a Milky Way bar.  And people that go out of their way to consume a Milky Way bar are not to be trusted.

YOUR FREAKIN' ME OUT!!!

Our children take swimming classes at the YWCA.  I love the organization and we take advantage of as much as possible.  This weekend I had something happen, that completly takes me off gaurd.
I went to use the restroom, so I opened the door and walked in (because, that is how I roll).  As soon as I entered, I freaked, and ran back out.  I then check to make sure that I did not enter the Women's room.  I did not make a mistake, thank goodness. 
This freak out, was well justified.  When I walked in, I did not see any urinals.  This will send any man into a tailspin.
I have done this at least twice in this building.  I have also done it once at a facility that caters to retired women philanthropists. 
I would like to make an urgent plea to anyone designing a building.  If you cater to mostly women, you do not have to install urinals.  But, please post a sign in the restroom that say "Stay calm (this is the Mens room) and carry on".

Thank you.

Doctor Marten...paging Doctor Marten

I remember my first pair of Doc's fondly.  It was a rite of passage, when I was a youth.  It was when the villagers all gathered around, animals were sacrificed and I was hoisted into the air and it was declared that this day, I was a man.  In the 80's, you were not punk rock until you had a pair of Doc's, you were "new wave".  I worked my butt off to buy them.  Which in hindsight, seems odd.  I started working at an early age, then spent a huge chunk of it on boots that would portray my image as "working class punker."

My favorite pair of Doc Martens were Ox Blood steel toe oxfords.  These were discontinued.  This left a large, foot sized whole in my heart.  My wife knew of my heart ache, so she was ecstatic the day she found out they were re-releasing these shoes.  Not only were they making them, they are using the original factory and techniques.  They are available at the Doc Marten store in San Francisco.  I needed to make this purchase and this needed to be an event.


There can only be one solution...ROAD TRIP!!

Packed the family into the van and headed north.  It truly was an adventure.  We visited friends and family.  Went to all the way up to Redding (big), Alameda Antique Flea Market (huge!), loaded up with music from Amoeba, San Francisco (epic!!), blew out a tire (buzz kill!!!) and went to the greatest place on earth...THE DOC MARTEN STORE (LEGENDARY!!!!).

Every place we went to was a destination of it's own.  Roll them up in a bundle, you have one hell of an adventure.  To top it all off, in keeping in the Doc tradition, I have a story about my shoes.

So when I am asked if I had a good time during my vacation, my eyes roll back and a smile crawls across my face.  Yes, I answer, yes I did.  

Cheap...cheap...cheap

The other day I took the car for an oil change.  While waiting for the service, I decided to walk over to the 99 cent store.  I had my daughter with me, so it is a huge pay off for her to go to a store that I will pretty much buy her anything.  She loves the princess stuff and I don't mind spending 99 cents for something that will probably break before it gets home.  I really like going to the 99 Cent Store, the entertainment alone is priceless.

Michal Phelps audio book.  This is what smoking pot got you.  You can wipe snot on paper and place on the best seller list.  Take a bong rip, you end  up at the 99 Cent Store.  Is there a better reason to say no to drugs?

Condoms?!?!?!?!? You should be arrested for buying contraceptives at the 99 Cent Store.  Wait, I take it back.  You should be taken out behind the store and beaten within an inch of your life.  You are not taking the slightest bit of effort in birth control if you are using these.  I would be more likely to use a 99 cent defibrillator or parachute than this condom.