Bad Mother...shut your mouth

If you have not made this purchase, and you do a lot of cooking, buy yourself a cast iron skillet.  If you like fried food (and who doesn't) it works like a dream.  The iron heats up to a scolding temperature and you can go from the stove top right into the oven.  One of the best places to make this purchase is at a camping supply store or Ace hardware.  That validates it as a kick ass piece of cookery.  When you are able to buy it at a store that carries firearms or power tools, then it screams testosterone.  As a matter fact mine came with a hunting knife, Impact wrench and a ball pein hammer.

When you do buy your cast iron skillet, try not to be greedy.  I bought one of the largest skillets I could find.  I figured that I have a large family, so I can take advantage of the space.  This thing is a monster.  It is so large that it takes up one and half burners and weighs a hefty 11lbs.  It is heavy enough for me to seriously think about it, before whipping it out.  This thing means business.

Like the man I am, I have decided to name it.  This is what men do.  We name the things we love or that are ominous/dangerous.  We name cars, guitars, guns and tools.  Actually some of the tool names are universal.  Every man has a BFH (Big F-ing Hammer) and a FUBAR (F'ed Up Beyond All Recognition).  Go to a construction site and ask.  They will pull out a really large hammer and a demo tool that looks like a hammer and a crowbar had a child.  Then they will give you a wedgie and throw you in the Shit Shack (outhouse). 

My cast iron skillet is named Shaft.  It doesn't matter that it is fry pan. 

This thing can kick your ass.

Automated Response- Do Not Reply

I will be out of the office Monday June 20th, in observance of Sir Cardigans birthday.  If this is an emergency, please contact Dont Care (idontcare@goaway.com). 

I don't want to give the outward appearance that I am taking an abundance of time off.  Rest assured this is not the case.  I only take time off for holidays that I deem important.  This is a milestone birthday and should be publicly acknowledged.  This should have been done at the surprise party that was thrown for him on Saturday.  Unfortunately I could not attend.

Because Sir Cardigan and myself have never hung out alone, I don't know what I can do to honor him on this special day.  So I will do the following:

• Because DEVO does not get the respect that they deserve, I will be blasting my entire collection while wearing a red plastic flowerpot.
• The movies Gremilins, Goonies and Monty Python Holy Grail will be playing on a constant loop
• I will be playing the following video games: Zork, Q-bert and Joust
• I will construct a beer bong then after using it, will find a mime to harass

These are not things I did to celebrate my 30th birthday, I just wish I had.

Dont feed the animals

Recently we went to Las Vegas for the weekend.  We are really not big on gambling, as a matter of fact I did not spend a cent on it.  I do, however enjoy the city and the many things it has to offer.  The big casinos spend a ton of money to keep you entertained.  This is also wingnut central.  I can't begin to tell you about all the crazy people that I saw, and I didn't even stay on the Strip. 

I kinda see Vegas like being at the zoo.  You can observe the wildlife, but you want to be careful, not to get too close.  For instance, I saw this man in a motorized chair.  He was driving down the middle of traffic begging for money.  I am not sure if you make a good case for soliciting money if you can afford to drive a motorized chair, and you obviously have access to electricity to power it.  I wanted to give him tips on how to increase his begging potential.  A good limp goes a long way, so you may want to semi push the chair.  This will also give the illusion that you can not afford to charge the device.  As much as I wanted to be helpful, I doubt my family would be pleased with my attempt to hone my leadership ability by mentoring him.  I instead, stayed in the safety of my car and took a million pictures of him as he cruised by.  Just like the zoo.

The zoo analogy was mind blowing.  Everywhere I looked there were these people.  There is a certain comfort level that comes with this epiphany.  I felt very much in my element.  Able to observe, make commentary, without the fear of being grouped in with them.

This comfort zone quickly went away when we had breakfast one morning.  Because I am a big fat guy, I love me the buffet.  To us fatties, the buffet is like a religious experience.  The real fat ones pray multiple times a day, in the direction of Vegas.  I am sitting there, enjoying my eating experience, when I realize that the people that are waiting in line to enter the place, are staring at me.  I whip my camera out and start taking their pictures.  I figure I can post these people on my blog and talk about how rude it is to ogle at others when they are eating.  I'm staring at my picture, when I realize that they were observing me!  I am one of the animals in the zoo, and they are looking at me like I am a wildebeest that is feeding.


I guess this is justice.  I treated all these people like animals in the zoo.  All the while, I was one of them.  There is a lesson to be learned here.  I just don't care what it is.

Thank God

I am constantly on the look out for bizarre people or things.  Not every day is a treasure, sometimes it will be days before I see something that is picture worthy.  Then there are other times, that my better half prevents me from taking the shot.  She is doing the Lord's work, by stopping me.  Although, I think it is amusing that I am posting a picture of a one legged midget with one eye, my wife disagrees with that. The other day I hit the jackpot.  


As I passed by this establishment, I did a double take.  I drove back into the parking lot, so I could take a better look.  8158 Human Hair Co is definitely picture worthy.   Now, this should be a slam dunk.  They obviously specialize in human hair weaves.  Well, it is obvious to me.  What is not so apparent, is why they named it 8158 Human Hair Co.  8158 is not the address, it is the price of the weave.  They charge $81.58.  This seems very short sighted.  How can they increase or decrease the price?

I barely had time to process the picture I took of the human hair place, when I saw this truck.  I had to speed up to take this picture (Note: One day I will get a ticket for taking pictures like this, and my wife will divorce me.  If you enjoy these pictures, then you need to come to my defense).  This guy has a mural on the gate of his truck, that depicts him getting pulled over by the police.  Let me give you a little insight on "Truck Guys".  They typically do things to their trucks to make them more attractive to the opposite sex.  They will drive huge monster trucks that get horrible gas mileage and can only be useful when crushing cars or small villages.  They do this because they think "chicks dig it" (this will eventually be blogged about in an upcoming entry entitled "Are You A Bro-Ho?").  Can you imagine the self esteem on the woman who falls for this guy?? Even worse, I imagine he has a tattoo that is just as bad.  Maybe of him being handcuffed.

At about this time, I was beginning to think it was me, not these people.  Maybe I am trying to hard to see the nuttiness around me.  Am I the sole nut in the bowl.  As soon as I asked myself this question, God answered me.  In the form of guy standing on the corner reading a bible out loud, while holding a trombone. 


This is proof that God has a sense of humor...this is proof that God loves me.

Cops and Robbers

I don't mind hanging out at the toy store with my kids.  Like most men, I like toys.  What I like most are the things that I think are cool.  Things that I wish I had when I was a kid.  I love the transformers, they are engineering masterpieces.  However, you need a MIT graduate to help you transform it.  Other than that, what is not to love.  It is a toy that turns into another toy.  This is way better than than the pipe cleaners that my parents bought me.  Yes, my parents bought me a huge pack of pipe cleaners.  I could twist and turn those pipe cleaners into whatever I wanted. I told you I was poor.

On one of my trips to the toy store I saw a police play set.  What I thought was interesting is that it did not include a gun.  I'm not saying that you need a gun to be a police officer.  Bobbies in the UK, typically don't have a side arm.  What is odd, is that this play set has a baton, goggles, compass, watch, canteen and hunting knife.  I don't want to live in a town where this is standard issue for the police force.  Although it would strike fear in the heart of a criminal when a goggle wearing police officer runs after them with a baton in one hand and a hunting knife in the other.  Maybe it wouldn't scare every criminal.  I don't think this officer would be well equipped to thwart a criminal that has a gun.

It also seems strange to me that a police officer would carry a compass and canteen.  Do law enforcement agents typically get lost or find themselves in a position that they may need a drink so urgently that they need to have it on their person?  I can't imagine there are a lot of foot chase scenarios that would dictate the use of a compass, let alone a chase that is so extensive that they would have the upper hand by having a canteen on hand.

Because of all these questions I decided that further investigation was necessary.  This toy had to be made in a country that this is normal.  I was thinking maybe Canada.  Not because of socialized medicine, the affinity to the Olympic sport Curling or Allen Thicke.  I'm thinking more on the lines of Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  A Mountie would be very well prepared with this gear.  He would also be able to subdue a rogue lumberjack or moose.

Of Course I was wrong.  The toy was not made in Canada, as I had hoped, it was manufactured in China (pause for shock and dismay).  What I want to know is, why did they do this?  Do the police force in China use these items, or do they think that American police do?  Do they have some sort of image of Chuck Norris wielding a knife?  Let's be honest, Chuck wouldn't need the knife. Or maybe this is a peek into the future.  About six months ago I saw this sign...

If they are offering sword training, maybe we will have a generation of criminals that are adept at sword fighting.  If that is the case, it makes sense that the police force would arm themselves with hunting knives and batons. 

Who am I kidding...this still does not make any sense.

I'm a wingnut too

I enjoy fooling people.  I wouldn't consider myself a liar...who am I kidding.  I am a professional liar.  I lie about just about everything (that is inconsequential).  I don't lie about the important things.  Just the little things.

Ask me if I saw the latest movie, and I will probably say yes.  On a good year, I will go to the movies once.  I don't want to hear you try to talk me into seeing this movie, so I will lie, so you will let it go.  That seems harmless enough.  I am essentially lying to save you from the brutal truth: "No I will not see your stupid movie, now shut your pie hole."  See, I am doing the world a service.  I will also use this discretion, when you walk up to me looking like a stuffed sausage clown hooker.  I won't point and laugh, then ask if you lost a bet.  I will just say "wow, look at you" or "niiiiice!" and always followed with a thumbs up.  These are all examples of me, being nice.

I will also lie, to underline your stupidity, to see how gullible you really are or allow you the opportunity to join in the fun.  It is not as confusing as it sounds.  Let's say we are at a party and a small group of people are engaged in a conversation.  It is inevitable that I will work some sort of stupid lie into the conversation.  Example: Punky Brewster actress, (Soliel Moon Frye) did porn in the 90's under the name "Humpy Brewster."  This may sound ludicrous, but please keep in mind that I sell it.  I give a back story that Soliel turned to a life of drugs after her show was canceled, but since her porn days, has become a prominent fixture in a Christian organization that rescues porn stars (all lies).  If I am underlining your stupidity, you buy it hook line and sinker.  Then you spread my lie to other people.  If you are borderline gullible, you will be skeptical, and rightfully so.  That is the challenge and the back story that I weave is where I get you to bite.  Now the people that smell the lie, they are my accomplices.  They chime in with their verification of my story.  Ahhh good fun. 

Recently a friend gave me this picture:

It is a Hot Dog on a Stick employee at an airshow.  Pretty random.  That fact that he printed it and put it into a frame, makes it magical.  I now have carte blanche to make up whatever story I want.  Please note, this picture sits on my desk next to pictures of my family.

My current story...
In 1991, some friends and I started sending money to a Ethiopian family in need.  They used this money to help fund their education.  Last year, the youngest daughter was excepted into an overseas exchange program where she joined Hot Dog on a Stick University.  She excelled in the program, and was offered a position running a pilot program "Hot Dogs around the world."  This picture was taken at the farewell party, just before she boarded the plane.  She is now back in Ethiopia running a very successful Hot Dog on a Stick.

I don't know why I do this.  I do know that my wife would never take this nonsense, so I take it out on other people.  I used to be way worse, my wife makes me a better person.

The world should thank her.

Blasphomy eggs with a side of going to hell toast

Wingnuts come in all shape and shape and sizes, and they need to eat breakfast too.  While at a swapmeet (aka-flea market if you are from Northern California), I saw this gem:

You can use this to make an egg in the form of the Holy Cross.  I guess you could also use it to make Holy Cross pancakes as well.

My intention is NOT to launch into a discussion about religion.  I once had a manager that told me: "opinions on religion and politics are like assholes...everyone has one, I don't want to hear about yours."  What I want to know is: which group is buying this, and why.

mmm...Oscar Wilde

Is it the super religious person?  Do they want to be so close to God, that they want to ingest religious icons?  Do these people also have Jesus Christ waffle irons?  I get being passionate about your beliefs, but don't you think it has gone to far when you want to eat it?  Let's just take religion out of the equation.  Let's say you are very passionate about the literary works of Oscar Wilde.  I can't imagine that someone would want to eat him.  Not to say that a Oscar Wilde omelet wouldn't be delicious, especially with Dorian Gray sauce.

Is it the anti-religion people or people from other religions that are "haters"?  As odd as this may seem, these two groups would be a dream to market this too.  I can see that infomercial now (que the dream sequence)..."How dare you claim that you are agnostic, when your kitchen utensils are the same as everyone else! How dare you preach that the other religions are evil overlords trying to repress the truth, when you are eating the same eggs as the infidels! Well, your worries are over...with the religious icon breakfast set.  Now you can enjoy a little blasphemy in the morning!  Hate the Christians? Bite into a Cross Over-Easy.  Want to stand out as a upraising member of the Agnostic Front? Order the whole set and enjoy starting your day with a hearty breakfast off ALL the religions! Order now and we will include the Baby Bullet for freeeeeee!!!!"