Intro to Old People 101

I can't remember anyone's name.  Which is weird, because I can tell you that The Polecats sang "make a circuit with me", at the drop of a dime.  But I won't remember your name, three seconds after you tell me.  Most of the people around me think that it is that I don't care.  The truth is, I REALLY don't care. 

I keep a lot of useless information on hand and want to make sure there is enough room for random stuff.  My mind is not a steel trap, and never was, my mind is more like a colander.  When someone talks to me, I only retain certain bullet points.  The rest falls through the colander.  This gives me ample space for all the dumb crap, I find important.  If there is something that I need to pull out of our conversation.  I look at the few items in the colander and piece the conversation together.

This is something that has been very useful to me, when working in my environment.  You see, Old People can't get a story out, if their life depended on it.  They come in my office and talk for 20 minutes (if I am lucky).  When they are done, I look at the two items in my colander, and deal with it.  Usually I start thinking about songs from the 80's, when they are talking.  This gives the impression that I am paying attention.

Example
Oldie: I have a problem at my house, where I live.  My floor plan has...
In my head: Our house, in the middle of the street.  Our house, in the...
Oldie: ...I went to the bathroom...
In my head: Mirror in the bathroom, please talk free.  The door is locked just...
Oldie: ...When I returned I knocked over this table.  It is a little table that I got in Europe, that is hand made by this artisan.  The stuff fell off the table, but luckily my tea cup was empty.  I usually have tea in the afternoon...
In my head: Continue to sing Mirror in the bathroom, then move on to other English beat songs
Oldie: ...the sugar is stuck to the wheels on my walker...
In my head: Lips like sugar, sugar kisses. Lips like sugar, sugar kisses...
Oldie: ...daughter always had an interest in science...
In my head:  She blinded me with science..
Oldie:..and that is why I call my son everyday at 11

This is reason enough, to have selective hearing.  If I listened to every story, from every Oldie, my brain would overload.  So when dealing with Old People, follow these simple steps:

• Do not listen to everything
• Look like your paying attention, by nodding knowingly
• Sing songs in your head to keep you awake 

Class dismissed

Intro to Old People 101

The Passing Lane:
Walking behind an Old Person, presents problems. They will gravitate toward you and cut you off.  They can feel your presence as you are getting near, then in an effort to get out of the way, they move over.  Unfortunately they have just moved in front of you. 

The trick is to pass them NASCAR style.  Go as fast as you can directly in line with the old person, then at the last minute switch to the other side of the hall and pass.  If they freak out and move to the other side of the hall, then that is a bonus.  They just got out of your way.  Be warned, you do not want attempt to draft them.  This will always turn out bad.  You don't want to get a nose full of that exhaust.

This is a very dangerous maneuver if done incorrectly.   You will be in constant danger, so be very careful.  Oldies are constantly crop dusting their way down the hall.  So there is the chance you could find yourself walking into an Old Person's fart.  Just maintain your speed, and hold your breath.

Class dismissed.

Intro to Old People 101

The Phone:
It doesn't matter how old your favorite Senior is, they grew up with a phone.  The phone was invented in 1870.  If they were alive before then, it would make them 142 years old.  I know they seem that old, but it is physically impossible.  Now there is a strong possibility that they did not grow up with one inside their home.  But as they grew older they went from rotary to push button and kept up with the advancements.  You can give them credit for understanding the technology, just don't push what you want, on them.

Cell phones are a regular part of our lives and have become more and more affordable.  Be very careful when purchasing an Oldie a cell phone.  Know your target audience.  If you get them a smart phone, it would be smarter than it's operator.  This is what happens, you buy a cell phone for your Senior, then someone like me has to spend countless hours explaining the phones basic functions.  This is the best case scenario.  The other side of that coin, you purchase it, then have to take time off from your job to show them how to make each and every call, from now until they die.

The answering machine is just as bad, if not worse.  You have a civic duty to help an Oldie set up the machine.  They should not be able to make the purchase with out recording the out going message, before they leave.  When you call and Oldie, this is what you hear: "you didn't do it right, your supposed to press that button.  Where is the book, it says in the...beeeeep".

Here is the interesting part.  They cannot figure out how to record the out going message, but they have no problem listening to the messages.  Just be forewarned, when calling an Oldie, you need to follow the correct procedure.  When calling an Oldie, make sure to talk loud, clearly and slow.  You also want to present the information in a clear manner.  State your name, your number, your message, your name, your number, then your name again.  It may sound like overkill, but you have to understand that when they are listening to your message, they are talking to the answering machine at the same time.  The only part that they will be able to hear is the last time you state your name and number.

Class Dismissed

Intro to Old People 101

The Deuce:
This may a difficult subject to discuss, so we will break it up in small digestible chunks.  I don't want you running out of the class, so this is a topic we will have often.  Just be forewarned, this will resurface, so be prepared and keep your notes.

Number two is number one with old people.  It is a fact of life, and one that becomes a lot more important with the increase of age.  There is a mathematical equation to establish the importance of the deuce, this is essentially multiplying the frequency and age.  This will provide you with a Poo Unit (PU), that can be used to properly establish the amount of Toilet Paper Usage (TPU), and assist with scheduling your own toilet use.  The PU is not to be taken lightly and has become an industry standard.  How does this effect you?  Let me give you an example.

#2 Example
When you use a public restroom, you typically avoid the one that someone stunk up.  You don't want to get blamed for the smell.  Now if someone is in the process of dropping (POD), you want to get in and out, before said person.  If they get out before you, you have the possibility of getting blamed for the deuce.  They leave, you are still washing your hands, a different person walks in, you now own it.

When visiting an Oldie, stay clear of times after feeding periods.  It is best to visit before and leave while they are processing the meal.  Not that I am suggesting you cut your visit short, just be smart about it.  The PU can also be applied to co-workers, despite their age.  Observe the feeding habits of the people you work with, then avoid using the restroom during that time.  This is referred to as the Brown Out (BO).

Remember to keep your notes, this subject will rear it's ugly head again, and again.  Work out your PU and know the BO.

Class dismissed.

Intro to Old People 101

Greetings Class:
This is Intro to Old People 101, also known as Oldie 101.  This is not Advanced Elderly, but it is a prerequisite if you plan to move forward to Adv Oldie.  If this is not the class you signed up for, please leave immediately.  Thank you.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself.  You can call me Professor.  Not The Professor, I was not stranded on a island with Gilligan.  No you cannot call me by my first name, I am not your friend.  However, you can feel free to call me Dude, if you want to get thrown out of my class.  I am not pompous or full of myself, I earned the title, so use it.

I have spent the last ten years working at a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC).  That is a community that has Independent, Assisted, Skilled Nursing and Dementia Living.  All from the position as Director of Environmental Services.  In other words, I know all the dirt on old people.

In this class you will learn about the Oldies.  Why do you need to learn about them? So you can break the cycle.  So you won't grow old and be one of them.  Aging gracefully is a dying art (pun intended), and it is your responsibility to learn how to do so.  I will also teach you how to deal with the Oldies.  This will in turn, save you years of frustration.  I spent the time in their natural environment, for your benefit.  So I hope that you put the work in, and don't drop this class.  I promise you this, you will benefit from my knowledge.

Example: Cake
Never take cake for granted.  It is not what it seems.  Cake has a layer of frosting, this frosting will save you.  In the industry, we call this the spit guard.  Take the cake, flip it upside down, and eat from the bottom and stop at the frosting.  Old People spit and drool more than a baby.  If cake is offered to you, they drooled on it.  And for God's sake, don't make an Oldie blow out their birthday candles.  It's like launching spit through a leaf blower.

This is the tip of the old iceberg, I'll see you here next week.

Class dismissed.