You made me do this

When I was a growing up, there was a little thing called integrity.  Considering that I was associated with the dregs of society, it may seem like a exaggeration.  For example, we would get into bar clearing brawls, but the police were never involved.  You could leave your backpack in front of the 7-11 (so they could ensure no one would shoplift), and nobody would take it.  Maybe it is a case of honor among thieves, anyway you look at it...things were better.

I was at a Starbucks recently (where I ONLY order large coffee flavored coffee) and had to use the restroom.  There was a shelf in the restroom, and I couldn't understand why.  It occurred to me that its sole purpose was to place your coffee, while you take care of business.  This seems really gross to me.  I would not take my coffee into a public restroom, and I certainly don't need shelf.  If I do need to use the restroom, and I didn't have the wherewithal to think about this BEFORE I ordered my ten dollar coffee, then I would put it on a table.

What world do you live in where you need to bring your coffee into a public restroom.  Are people concerned that someone would take their coffee?  I have experienced how people order drinks at Starbucks.  I can say with great certainty that you are the only one that likes your coffee.  The person that drags their coffee into the restroom is the same person who took five minutes to order the stupid drink.  Nobody wants it, you can leave it on a table.

How about we meet halfway.  They can place a shelf outside the restroom, so you feel special.  Just be warned, now that I know that you are a complete douche...I am taking your drink.

Be a candy bar

You know what, Forrest was kind of right.  Life is not like a box of chocolates, people are.  You have all these wonderful differences that make us a community or a box of chocolates.  What I don't like are the people that are like nougat.  Nougat was created as a filler, so they don't have to add all the good stuff.  Nougat is crap wrapped in chocolate.

This analogy goes a long way, it applies to just about everything.  Music: Van Halen was chocolate with nuts, after David Lee Roth it turned to nougat.  Movies: Terminator 1 was chocolaty caramel goodness  Terminator 2 and on, were nougat bombs.

Now that you get it, you can apply this to life.  What kind of person have you been, and who would you like to be?  I would like to think that I am a solid Hershey bar, but others would differ.  I am more like the Hershey with almonds.  Good hearty chocolate laced with nuts.

Try not to be nougat, because the best that you can be is a Milky Way bar.  And people that go out of their way to consume a Milky Way bar are not to be trusted.

Bad Mother...shut your mouth

If you have not made this purchase, and you do a lot of cooking, buy yourself a cast iron skillet.  If you like fried food (and who doesn't) it works like a dream.  The iron heats up to a scolding temperature and you can go from the stove top right into the oven.  One of the best places to make this purchase is at a camping supply store or Ace hardware.  That validates it as a kick ass piece of cookery.  When you are able to buy it at a store that carries firearms or power tools, then it screams testosterone.  As a matter fact mine came with a hunting knife, Impact wrench and a ball pein hammer.

When you do buy your cast iron skillet, try not to be greedy.  I bought one of the largest skillets I could find.  I figured that I have a large family, so I can take advantage of the space.  This thing is a monster.  It is so large that it takes up one and half burners and weighs a hefty 11lbs.  It is heavy enough for me to seriously think about it, before whipping it out.  This thing means business.

Like the man I am, I have decided to name it.  This is what men do.  We name the things we love or that are ominous/dangerous.  We name cars, guitars, guns and tools.  Actually some of the tool names are universal.  Every man has a BFH (Big F-ing Hammer) and a FUBAR (F'ed Up Beyond All Recognition).  Go to a construction site and ask.  They will pull out a really large hammer and a demo tool that looks like a hammer and a crowbar had a child.  Then they will give you a wedgie and throw you in the Shit Shack (outhouse). 

My cast iron skillet is named Shaft.  It doesn't matter that it is fry pan. 

This thing can kick your ass.

Automated Response- Do Not Reply

I will be out of the office Monday June 20th, in observance of Sir Cardigans birthday.  If this is an emergency, please contact Dont Care (idontcare@goaway.com). 

I don't want to give the outward appearance that I am taking an abundance of time off.  Rest assured this is not the case.  I only take time off for holidays that I deem important.  This is a milestone birthday and should be publicly acknowledged.  This should have been done at the surprise party that was thrown for him on Saturday.  Unfortunately I could not attend.

Because Sir Cardigan and myself have never hung out alone, I don't know what I can do to honor him on this special day.  So I will do the following:

• Because DEVO does not get the respect that they deserve, I will be blasting my entire collection while wearing a red plastic flowerpot.
• The movies Gremilins, Goonies and Monty Python Holy Grail will be playing on a constant loop
• I will be playing the following video games: Zork, Q-bert and Joust
• I will construct a beer bong then after using it, will find a mime to harass

These are not things I did to celebrate my 30th birthday, I just wish I had.

Dont feed the animals

Recently we went to Las Vegas for the weekend.  We are really not big on gambling, as a matter of fact I did not spend a cent on it.  I do, however enjoy the city and the many things it has to offer.  The big casinos spend a ton of money to keep you entertained.  This is also wingnut central.  I can't begin to tell you about all the crazy people that I saw, and I didn't even stay on the Strip. 

I kinda see Vegas like being at the zoo.  You can observe the wildlife, but you want to be careful, not to get too close.  For instance, I saw this man in a motorized chair.  He was driving down the middle of traffic begging for money.  I am not sure if you make a good case for soliciting money if you can afford to drive a motorized chair, and you obviously have access to electricity to power it.  I wanted to give him tips on how to increase his begging potential.  A good limp goes a long way, so you may want to semi push the chair.  This will also give the illusion that you can not afford to charge the device.  As much as I wanted to be helpful, I doubt my family would be pleased with my attempt to hone my leadership ability by mentoring him.  I instead, stayed in the safety of my car and took a million pictures of him as he cruised by.  Just like the zoo.

The zoo analogy was mind blowing.  Everywhere I looked there were these people.  There is a certain comfort level that comes with this epiphany.  I felt very much in my element.  Able to observe, make commentary, without the fear of being grouped in with them.

This comfort zone quickly went away when we had breakfast one morning.  Because I am a big fat guy, I love me the buffet.  To us fatties, the buffet is like a religious experience.  The real fat ones pray multiple times a day, in the direction of Vegas.  I am sitting there, enjoying my eating experience, when I realize that the people that are waiting in line to enter the place, are staring at me.  I whip my camera out and start taking their pictures.  I figure I can post these people on my blog and talk about how rude it is to ogle at others when they are eating.  I'm staring at my picture, when I realize that they were observing me!  I am one of the animals in the zoo, and they are looking at me like I am a wildebeest that is feeding.


I guess this is justice.  I treated all these people like animals in the zoo.  All the while, I was one of them.  There is a lesson to be learned here.  I just don't care what it is.

Thank God

I am constantly on the look out for bizarre people or things.  Not every day is a treasure, sometimes it will be days before I see something that is picture worthy.  Then there are other times, that my better half prevents me from taking the shot.  She is doing the Lord's work, by stopping me.  Although, I think it is amusing that I am posting a picture of a one legged midget with one eye, my wife disagrees with that. The other day I hit the jackpot.  


As I passed by this establishment, I did a double take.  I drove back into the parking lot, so I could take a better look.  8158 Human Hair Co is definitely picture worthy.   Now, this should be a slam dunk.  They obviously specialize in human hair weaves.  Well, it is obvious to me.  What is not so apparent, is why they named it 8158 Human Hair Co.  8158 is not the address, it is the price of the weave.  They charge $81.58.  This seems very short sighted.  How can they increase or decrease the price?

I barely had time to process the picture I took of the human hair place, when I saw this truck.  I had to speed up to take this picture (Note: One day I will get a ticket for taking pictures like this, and my wife will divorce me.  If you enjoy these pictures, then you need to come to my defense).  This guy has a mural on the gate of his truck, that depicts him getting pulled over by the police.  Let me give you a little insight on "Truck Guys".  They typically do things to their trucks to make them more attractive to the opposite sex.  They will drive huge monster trucks that get horrible gas mileage and can only be useful when crushing cars or small villages.  They do this because they think "chicks dig it" (this will eventually be blogged about in an upcoming entry entitled "Are You A Bro-Ho?").  Can you imagine the self esteem on the woman who falls for this guy?? Even worse, I imagine he has a tattoo that is just as bad.  Maybe of him being handcuffed.

At about this time, I was beginning to think it was me, not these people.  Maybe I am trying to hard to see the nuttiness around me.  Am I the sole nut in the bowl.  As soon as I asked myself this question, God answered me.  In the form of guy standing on the corner reading a bible out loud, while holding a trombone. 


This is proof that God has a sense of humor...this is proof that God loves me.

Cops and Robbers

I don't mind hanging out at the toy store with my kids.  Like most men, I like toys.  What I like most are the things that I think are cool.  Things that I wish I had when I was a kid.  I love the transformers, they are engineering masterpieces.  However, you need a MIT graduate to help you transform it.  Other than that, what is not to love.  It is a toy that turns into another toy.  This is way better than than the pipe cleaners that my parents bought me.  Yes, my parents bought me a huge pack of pipe cleaners.  I could twist and turn those pipe cleaners into whatever I wanted. I told you I was poor.

On one of my trips to the toy store I saw a police play set.  What I thought was interesting is that it did not include a gun.  I'm not saying that you need a gun to be a police officer.  Bobbies in the UK, typically don't have a side arm.  What is odd, is that this play set has a baton, goggles, compass, watch, canteen and hunting knife.  I don't want to live in a town where this is standard issue for the police force.  Although it would strike fear in the heart of a criminal when a goggle wearing police officer runs after them with a baton in one hand and a hunting knife in the other.  Maybe it wouldn't scare every criminal.  I don't think this officer would be well equipped to thwart a criminal that has a gun.

It also seems strange to me that a police officer would carry a compass and canteen.  Do law enforcement agents typically get lost or find themselves in a position that they may need a drink so urgently that they need to have it on their person?  I can't imagine there are a lot of foot chase scenarios that would dictate the use of a compass, let alone a chase that is so extensive that they would have the upper hand by having a canteen on hand.

Because of all these questions I decided that further investigation was necessary.  This toy had to be made in a country that this is normal.  I was thinking maybe Canada.  Not because of socialized medicine, the affinity to the Olympic sport Curling or Allen Thicke.  I'm thinking more on the lines of Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  A Mountie would be very well prepared with this gear.  He would also be able to subdue a rogue lumberjack or moose.

Of Course I was wrong.  The toy was not made in Canada, as I had hoped, it was manufactured in China (pause for shock and dismay).  What I want to know is, why did they do this?  Do the police force in China use these items, or do they think that American police do?  Do they have some sort of image of Chuck Norris wielding a knife?  Let's be honest, Chuck wouldn't need the knife. Or maybe this is a peek into the future.  About six months ago I saw this sign...

If they are offering sword training, maybe we will have a generation of criminals that are adept at sword fighting.  If that is the case, it makes sense that the police force would arm themselves with hunting knives and batons. 

Who am I kidding...this still does not make any sense.