I'm a wingnut too

I enjoy fooling people.  I wouldn't consider myself a liar...who am I kidding.  I am a professional liar.  I lie about just about everything (that is inconsequential).  I don't lie about the important things.  Just the little things.

Ask me if I saw the latest movie, and I will probably say yes.  On a good year, I will go to the movies once.  I don't want to hear you try to talk me into seeing this movie, so I will lie, so you will let it go.  That seems harmless enough.  I am essentially lying to save you from the brutal truth: "No I will not see your stupid movie, now shut your pie hole."  See, I am doing the world a service.  I will also use this discretion, when you walk up to me looking like a stuffed sausage clown hooker.  I won't point and laugh, then ask if you lost a bet.  I will just say "wow, look at you" or "niiiiice!" and always followed with a thumbs up.  These are all examples of me, being nice.

I will also lie, to underline your stupidity, to see how gullible you really are or allow you the opportunity to join in the fun.  It is not as confusing as it sounds.  Let's say we are at a party and a small group of people are engaged in a conversation.  It is inevitable that I will work some sort of stupid lie into the conversation.  Example: Punky Brewster actress, (Soliel Moon Frye) did porn in the 90's under the name "Humpy Brewster."  This may sound ludicrous, but please keep in mind that I sell it.  I give a back story that Soliel turned to a life of drugs after her show was canceled, but since her porn days, has become a prominent fixture in a Christian organization that rescues porn stars (all lies).  If I am underlining your stupidity, you buy it hook line and sinker.  Then you spread my lie to other people.  If you are borderline gullible, you will be skeptical, and rightfully so.  That is the challenge and the back story that I weave is where I get you to bite.  Now the people that smell the lie, they are my accomplices.  They chime in with their verification of my story.  Ahhh good fun. 

Recently a friend gave me this picture:

It is a Hot Dog on a Stick employee at an airshow.  Pretty random.  That fact that he printed it and put it into a frame, makes it magical.  I now have carte blanche to make up whatever story I want.  Please note, this picture sits on my desk next to pictures of my family.

My current story...
In 1991, some friends and I started sending money to a Ethiopian family in need.  They used this money to help fund their education.  Last year, the youngest daughter was excepted into an overseas exchange program where she joined Hot Dog on a Stick University.  She excelled in the program, and was offered a position running a pilot program "Hot Dogs around the world."  This picture was taken at the farewell party, just before she boarded the plane.  She is now back in Ethiopia running a very successful Hot Dog on a Stick.

I don't know why I do this.  I do know that my wife would never take this nonsense, so I take it out on other people.  I used to be way worse, my wife makes me a better person.

The world should thank her.

Blasphomy eggs with a side of going to hell toast

Wingnuts come in all shape and shape and sizes, and they need to eat breakfast too.  While at a swapmeet (aka-flea market if you are from Northern California), I saw this gem:

You can use this to make an egg in the form of the Holy Cross.  I guess you could also use it to make Holy Cross pancakes as well.

My intention is NOT to launch into a discussion about religion.  I once had a manager that told me: "opinions on religion and politics are like assholes...everyone has one, I don't want to hear about yours."  What I want to know is: which group is buying this, and why.

mmm...Oscar Wilde

Is it the super religious person?  Do they want to be so close to God, that they want to ingest religious icons?  Do these people also have Jesus Christ waffle irons?  I get being passionate about your beliefs, but don't you think it has gone to far when you want to eat it?  Let's just take religion out of the equation.  Let's say you are very passionate about the literary works of Oscar Wilde.  I can't imagine that someone would want to eat him.  Not to say that a Oscar Wilde omelet wouldn't be delicious, especially with Dorian Gray sauce.

Is it the anti-religion people or people from other religions that are "haters"?  As odd as this may seem, these two groups would be a dream to market this too.  I can see that infomercial now (que the dream sequence)..."How dare you claim that you are agnostic, when your kitchen utensils are the same as everyone else! How dare you preach that the other religions are evil overlords trying to repress the truth, when you are eating the same eggs as the infidels! Well, your worries are over...with the religious icon breakfast set.  Now you can enjoy a little blasphemy in the morning!  Hate the Christians? Bite into a Cross Over-Easy.  Want to stand out as a upraising member of the Agnostic Front? Order the whole set and enjoy starting your day with a hearty breakfast off ALL the religions! Order now and we will include the Baby Bullet for freeeeeee!!!!"

worst idea...EVER!!!!!

My kids were watching TV, the other day.  They were watching one of the five thousand kids channels that are available.  The show goes to a commercial break, and I hear something very disturbing.  An add for a small hand held food processor, that caters to making baby food.  The product is made be the manufactures of the MAGIC BULLET.  Surely you have seen this, it is all over the infomercial circuit.
What caught my attention was not the product itself.  I'm sure there are plenty of people that would like to make their own baby food, that would appreciate it.  My problem is the name...

THE BABY BULLET

Are you freakin' kidding?!?!?! Somebody needs to be fired immediately.  I can't even imagine how this made it through.  What is even more interesting to me, is the list of names they deemed unacceptable:

The Infant Arsenal
The Food Regurgitator
The Child Annihilator

These are probably the same rocket scientists that convinced Chevy to sell the Nova in Mexico, without changing the name.  Nova means "no go" and Baby Bullet means something bad.  Really, really bad.

YOUR FREAKIN' ME OUT!!!

Our children take swimming classes at the YWCA.  I love the organization and we take advantage of as much as possible.  This weekend I had something happen, that completly takes me off gaurd.
I went to use the restroom, so I opened the door and walked in (because, that is how I roll).  As soon as I entered, I freaked, and ran back out.  I then check to make sure that I did not enter the Women's room.  I did not make a mistake, thank goodness. 
This freak out, was well justified.  When I walked in, I did not see any urinals.  This will send any man into a tailspin.
I have done this at least twice in this building.  I have also done it once at a facility that caters to retired women philanthropists. 
I would like to make an urgent plea to anyone designing a building.  If you cater to mostly women, you do not have to install urinals.  But, please post a sign in the restroom that say "Stay calm (this is the Mens room) and carry on".

Thank you.

Hunters vs. Gatherers

When civilization starts to crumble and humans are pitted against one another.  Two groups will remain.

Meat eater's and Vegetarians

This war will be waged in an effort to take control of what remains of the human race.  ME (Meat Eaters) will not be as dominant as one would think.  VEG (Vegetarians) have an upper hand in this struggle.  Their bodies are already accustomed to a lifestyle of grass and bark, so can sustain life with the vegetation that surrounds them.  ME will have to actively search out animals to hunt.

The tide will turn when the two groups battle each other for supremacy.  VEG will initiate the confrontation.  They know that one day ME will eventually stalk them as prey, so they will do a preemptive strike.  VEG has technology on its side, they have the Salad Shooter.  Armed with the Salad Shooter, ME has no way of defending themselves and they will be doomed.

Until I saw this....

 The Jerky Gun will win the war!

Crappy party

Parties for kids have become pretty standard over the last ten years.  You get a bounce house and let all the kids jump themselves silly until they walk with a limp for the next two weeks.  The parties without the bounce house, are usually more entertaining, or they really suck.  When you invite a bunch of kids over, you have to work really hard to be entertaining to keep them engaged.

These bounce houses come in all shapes and sizes.  They usually have a popular character theme associated with it.  They get around paying the license fee's by making small changes to character and changing it's name.  Spider man is now Spider dude, Dora the Explorer is Donna the Explorer and of course Sponge Roberto Square Pantalones.  I get a kick out some of the ingenuity that these manufactures have.  Castles, forts, tropical theme, you name it, they have it.

But, when I saw this bounce house, I figure it is going to be a really crappy party.

for corn's sake!

In the previous blog, I talked about my colon.  This post is in no way associated to the aforementioned area.  Nor, do I want to give the impression that my current health issues are somehow related to or a direct result of.  I say what is on my mind, so don't read into it.  Let's just chalk it up to bad timing.

Corn is one of the staples in my household.  We may not eat it that often, but I always keep some on hand.  Great for a quick stir fry and easy compliment to any meal.  I prefer fresh corn, but don't mind canned.

For a special treat, I bust open a can of Mexicorn.  Mmmmm, I love me the Mexicorn.  You have seen it before, it is on the top shelf near the other cans of corn.  What makes it special is the mix of corn AND bell pepper.  That is where it is at.

Now, as much as love the product, I am having a tough time wrapping my head around a few things.  Green Giant makes this, and do a damn good job of it, but why doesn't anyone else?  There are hundreds of different companies that can manage to put corn into cans.  Is Green Giant the only ones that have this recipe?  It is corn and bell peppers, not that hard to figure out.  Maybe the competitors don't want to break into this market due to financial reasons.  Yet, every grocery store carries it, so I imagine that there is a market for it.  Other than adding the bell peppers, it seems to have a pretty low cost overhead.

What happened to completion? They are obviously very smug about their monopoly on Mexicorn.  They have some sort of attitude about it, because they only sell it in 7oz. cans!  Not only are they the only ones that sell it, they make you buy tiny cans to make you spend more.  Is this the division that is run by the Green Giants side kick Sprout?  Where he has tiny machines that only put out 7oz. cans?!?!

Someone has to step up, and take on the Giant.

Club Urgent Care

For three days I have had a pain in my lower abdomen.  Wife thinks I pulled a groin muscle, and she is usually correct.  Because I am so active (fat guy that is active, makes me a "can-do fat guy"), it is not unusual for me to have blood trickling down my leg or be sore, with no explanation.  Well, after three days (and one miserable night of moaning), I decided I needed medical attention.

3:05pm- Arrived in Urgent Care
I don't mind hanging out with sick people.  I do mind being in a waiting room full of people that are bored, and looking forward to having a conversation with me.  Standard Operating Procedure for these situations: look extremely pissed and in pain.  As expected, no conversation.


3:50pm- Initial contact
"Where is this pain? Where on your lower abdomen? Oh, that is not good" How is this good bedside manner?  Then ask me to provide a urine sample?!? I'm sorry but I can't pee right now, but I just shit a brick.  After mustering up some urine...back to the waiting room.

4:15pm- Doctor time!
"Nope, not a hernia.  Nope, not a pulled groin muscle.  Let's go ahead and have you lay down so I can jab my hand into the area until you cry."  At one point I started giving away secrets, just in case she was interrogating me.  After satisfying the Doctors sadistic curiosity, she counseled me.  She told me that I probably have an infection in the colon and lower intestine.  The good news is that it can PROBABLY be treated with antibiotics.  The bad news is, if it is really bad we need to do surgery tonight.  Oh, look at that, another brick fell out of my ass.  "Let's run you through a few tests."

4:25pm- Blood Lab
I walk through a room full of people waiting to be called into the lab, they read my paper work and announce "we need you to straight in, the Doctor has labeled you STAT."  This has given me a sort of attitude, like I had a backstage pass.  Until I realize that maybe there is something wrong with me. 

4:50pm- X-ray
They were almost waiting for me at this department.  They usher me in, ask me to put on a gown and start a series of x-rays.  Getting x-rays, always makes me ask the same question. If it is safe for me to have you use this machine on my body, why are you standing in the next room to operate it?  They never acknowledge this question as being serious.  It just doesn't give me a huge vote of confidence when someone tells me that it is safe, then runs away.

5:35pm- Back in waiting room
I felt guilty going up to the door and knocking, when the entire waiting room is full and I look like I can't wait my turn.  I want to wear a sign that says "They told me to knock" on my chest.  I instead opt for the less obvious visual.  I predominantly display the large piece of gauze taped to my arm and the paper work that says STAT on it.

5:50- Panic in the waiting room
I like being dialed in, when it comes to technology.  I like that I can monitor a grip of email addresses from my phone.  What I learned is sometimes it is a little too much.  Because I logged into my healthcare providers website they are sending me all the results to the tests.  This would normally mean nothing, but they are adding in the "normal range" for each test.  I can see that I am normal in all except the Blood Urea Nitrogen.  This makes me more than nervous.

6:30pm- CT Scan prep
Doctor pulls me aside and says "I wasn't too happy with your tests, lets prep you for a CT scan."  she said this in a full run, as she was about to attend to another patient.  This is probably not something that you want to say in passing.  I'm tired, hungry and thirsty.  So I can't even muster a reply before she disappears into a different room.  I am placed in a room with a bunch of people hooked up to IV's and asked to have a seat and be patient.  At 7:00pm they tell me that I need to drink a huge cup full of liquid chalk spiked with what I can only imagine as being Elephant urine.  I slam it down, wipe the residue off my chin and declare "I'm done, lets go."  They tell me I have to wait 2 hours before they can do the scan, but while I am waiting, they will prep my IV.  Oh, boy! I can sit around for two hours with a piece of tubing running out of my arm, what fun!

7:15-7:27pm- Where's Waldo? (finding a vein)
It turns out when you are dehydrated, your veins are near impossible to find.  I have also come to the conclusion that the huge bucket of chalk and piss has done nothing to help.  I handle this with a pleasant smile.  Not because I am happy, but because I don't want to make them mad.  I don't insult waiters or waitress because they have my food.  I'm going to be really nice to a person that is trying to insert something into my body.

9:00pm- Donut eats man
At this point in my day, I am trying my best to hide my fatigue. The first technician greets me with a smile and asks how I am doing.  She did not accept my answer and told me that I look sick and tired. The second technician just stared at me and announced, "you look like hell."  They shove me into the scanner, which looks like a giant glazed donut.  Seven minutes later, I am done and on my way back to the Doctor.

10:30pm- Prognosis
Infection in lower intestine and colon.  No I did not ask how I got it.  It is not something you think of when you are hungry, tired and dehydrated.  I just took my handful of prescriptions and wanted to go to the pharmacy.  As I am leaving a nurse turns to me and makes a comment, she says "thanks for coming, it is always a party".  I tell her "This is the worst nightclub EVER.  The drinks taste like crap, the only thing that looks like food, you stuck me INTO and all the girls wanted to poke holes in me.  I'm pretty sure this club sucks".

Oui!

I am not the most organized person in the world, so in order to be an effective leader, I rely heavily on my assistant.  I in turn reward them with riches, relaxed comfortable atmosphere, and me as a great boss.  This is all from my point of view, but rest assured it is universally agreed upon that I am an awesome boss.  If they fail to agree on my awesomeness, they risk getting shot with a rubber band.

Some years ago, my Assistant (at the time) Heather, informs me that it was nearing my Managers birthday.  I hate to sound like a character from "Mad Men", but these things  that are warm and fuzzy  are a part of her job.  I have no problem using her to this capacity.  I hand her a catalog and ask her to pick something fun out for her.  The catalog is Uncommon Goods.  It is the perfect place to order something online that is quirky and unique.  I ordered my previous Assistant, who was a Psychology major, Freudian slippers.  That is fun.

After flipping through the catalog, she announced she has found the perfect gift.  A metal tampon case, that has Owie, Owie printed on it.  That is perfect.  I ask Heather to order it, and congratulated her on a job well done.  Shortly after this, she hands me the confirmation for the order.  This is when things went sour.

I ask Heather what the tampon case has on it.  This seems like a condescending question, considering I was holding the order confirmation.  In a snarky tone, she replies back, "Owie, Owie".  Then went into a dissertation about her reading skills and that she knows what she ordered.  When she was done, I told her that it says "Oui, Oui".  This came as a shock to her.  She argued that she should not be expected to read French.  I agree that it is a French word, but it is not unusual to see it in print.

I took French in High School, Heather felt this gave me an unfair advantage.  Although I contest that all I learned is how to ask for a cup of coffee and the going on's of Pierre and Mireille.  She then gets up on her soapbox and declares that it is stupid that it is mandatory to learn a different language in high school, that they should make it mandatory that kids learn English.

The last thing I said to her, before she stopped speaking to me for the rest of the day was "four years of English IS mandatory in High School"