worst idea...EVER!!!!!

My kids were watching TV, the other day.  They were watching one of the five thousand kids channels that are available.  The show goes to a commercial break, and I hear something very disturbing.  An add for a small hand held food processor, that caters to making baby food.  The product is made be the manufactures of the MAGIC BULLET.  Surely you have seen this, it is all over the infomercial circuit.
What caught my attention was not the product itself.  I'm sure there are plenty of people that would like to make their own baby food, that would appreciate it.  My problem is the name...

THE BABY BULLET

Are you freakin' kidding?!?!?! Somebody needs to be fired immediately.  I can't even imagine how this made it through.  What is even more interesting to me, is the list of names they deemed unacceptable:

The Infant Arsenal
The Food Regurgitator
The Child Annihilator

These are probably the same rocket scientists that convinced Chevy to sell the Nova in Mexico, without changing the name.  Nova means "no go" and Baby Bullet means something bad.  Really, really bad.

Oui!

I am not the most organized person in the world, so in order to be an effective leader, I rely heavily on my assistant.  I in turn reward them with riches, relaxed comfortable atmosphere, and me as a great boss.  This is all from my point of view, but rest assured it is universally agreed upon that I am an awesome boss.  If they fail to agree on my awesomeness, they risk getting shot with a rubber band.

Some years ago, my Assistant (at the time) Heather, informs me that it was nearing my Managers birthday.  I hate to sound like a character from "Mad Men", but these things  that are warm and fuzzy  are a part of her job.  I have no problem using her to this capacity.  I hand her a catalog and ask her to pick something fun out for her.  The catalog is Uncommon Goods.  It is the perfect place to order something online that is quirky and unique.  I ordered my previous Assistant, who was a Psychology major, Freudian slippers.  That is fun.

After flipping through the catalog, she announced she has found the perfect gift.  A metal tampon case, that has Owie, Owie printed on it.  That is perfect.  I ask Heather to order it, and congratulated her on a job well done.  Shortly after this, she hands me the confirmation for the order.  This is when things went sour.

I ask Heather what the tampon case has on it.  This seems like a condescending question, considering I was holding the order confirmation.  In a snarky tone, she replies back, "Owie, Owie".  Then went into a dissertation about her reading skills and that she knows what she ordered.  When she was done, I told her that it says "Oui, Oui".  This came as a shock to her.  She argued that she should not be expected to read French.  I agree that it is a French word, but it is not unusual to see it in print.

I took French in High School, Heather felt this gave me an unfair advantage.  Although I contest that all I learned is how to ask for a cup of coffee and the going on's of Pierre and Mireille.  She then gets up on her soapbox and declares that it is stupid that it is mandatory to learn a different language in high school, that they should make it mandatory that kids learn English.

The last thing I said to her, before she stopped speaking to me for the rest of the day was "four years of English IS mandatory in High School"

The Jennifer Hart Syndrome

It was over ten years ago, in a smokey apartment filled with empty cigarette packs and Coke bottles.  Eduardo and I had worked all night and were spending the afternoon making fun of each other until one of us laughs hard enough to shoot milk out of their nose.  The television is on and Hart to Hart is playing.
Hart to Hart was a cheezy detective show from the 80's about a well to do couple (the Hart's) and their butler that solve crimes when they were not at the country club.  There is a lull in the conversation and we realized that Jennifer Hart doesn't have an original thought in her head.  This is where we turn on her an start making fun of the character.  It was then that we realized that we had uncovered greatness.

THE JENNIFER HART SYNDROME

When someone is talking to you, simply repeat one word from the end of their sentence, as a question.  See sample conversation.

Them: I am going out tonight
You: tonight?
Them: Yes, probably going to see a movie
You: Movie?
Them: Yes, I haven't been in a long time
You: long time?

It can go on forever, but you get the picture.  Right about now you are thinking this is lame.  This is what will happen.  If you do this to an individual in a group, that person thinks you are engaged in the conversation.  The other people will see what you are doing, and the fun begins.  Give it a try.

Euphemism extravaganza

If you love music, sooner or later you will have to address the inevitable music genre. Songs that are about..."polishing the rocket"or self gratification. This is the ultimate category for a true music buff, because it crosses ALL lines. There is not any one band dedicated to these songs. My (make believe) band would dedicate a whole album to it (that album would be called: Arm wrestling the purple headed Stormtrooper). By the way, the name of my (make believe) band is "Captain krunch and the serial killers". Here are some of my favorite songs about "beef stroke-it-off":

Turning Japanese
Dancing with myself
Blister in the sun
My ding a ling

Every music fan should have a list, and it is often deemed controversial. Not because of the subject matter, but because commoners don't believe its true. Really, you thought the Vapors wanted to turn Japanese? It's all about the big O face. As much as Billy Idol liked to dance, when he was dancing with himself, he was "applying the hand break". The Violent Femmes left little to the imagination with "big hands I know your the one" from blister in the sun. Chuck Berry got large groups of people to chant "I want to play with my ding a ling". The list of songs go on and on. For the most part these songs show a certain amount of decorum, by not being too overly obvious. Except Chuck Berry, but he is a legend, so he gets to have a song called "my ding a ling" and it gets into the top ten.

When it comes to "tickling the bean", the ladies are not so discreet. Cindy Lauper did not mince words when she sang "she bop" The Divinyls sang "every time I think of you, I touch myself". Wow, no euphemism needed. Why is it that they can sing about "fluffing the kitty" or "guilding the lily", but their male counterparts have to be more discreet about "batting practice"?

oh, by the way current weight 344.6

WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

"Considering that English is not my first language, I think I do pretty good."

I like to say that every time someone criticizes my grammar or spelling. It is the perfect way to get them to feel stupid. But now and then I find myself stumped by certain colloquialisms. I had a co-worker (Ray) that would tell people "you don't know shit from shinola".

Well he was right. I really don't know, shit from shinola. Don't get me wrong, I know my shit. As a matter of fact I have a great deal of knowledge in this arena. Having worked in the Environmental Services (Janitorial/Housekeeping) field for a long time. I'm confidant that my expertise would enable me to distinguish it, from anything else. I would even go so far as to say, I know shit from dried mud, melted chocolate, baby food or from chocolate tapioca with nuts. I just don't know SHINOLA.

I figure it is safe to say that Shinola was at one point a very popular item. It would have to have been for it to work it's way into our vocabulary. In the same way that Kleenex or Coke have that brand power. Nobody would use lesser known brands as a reference.

This weekend we were walking through an antique store when something caught my eye. A bottle of Shinola!!! At last the search is over. It is stupid shoe polish. I am so disappointed. This is a crock of shit.

It stands to reason that we should officially change this saying. It is out dated and does not make a whole lot of sense. Really, "you don't know shit from shoe polish" is a stupid thing to say.

I move we update this saying. I would like to nominate the following:

You don't know shit from...

1. Shasta Cola
   
2. Spam
3. Shucked clams
   
4. Shia Labeouf
5. Starbucks

Just about anything would be more appropriate than Shinola.

Summary
The a fore mentioned Ray (the co-worker) was a grumpy bastard that was full of piss and vinegar. He had an opinion on everything. He didn't care if he was right or wrong, he would argue just to argue. He was well read and extremely intelligent, and spent most of his time using these attributes to piss people off. Ray passed away about a year ago. I looked forward to arguing with him everyday. He was my friend. He cried with me when people we knew had passed. He beamed with pride when my kids were born. I keep his picture on my desk, so I can give him a nod when I make a smart ass comment, that he would enjoy. So I will end this with one of our arguments

Me: Shut up Ray, you are arguing over nothing
Ray: No, I'm arguing cause your wrong
Me: You asshole, you would argue with me that the sky was blue
Ray: You'd probably get that wrong too, you don't know shit from Shinola
Me: I know I will out live your old ass

I am not trying to be a buzz kill. I know that Ray is laughing right now, and will be waiting for me on the other side for his comeback.