The best or worst interview

This is why I always have someone present, when I do interviews.  Because, sometimes it is too good to be true.  Sometimes you need some to tell you, "yes, that really did happen".

Me: Tell me a little about your last position.
Him: I work at s..a..r.....(trail off)
Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that.
Him: Yes, I work in s...y..r....(trail off)
Me: Ok...Where are they located?
Him: It is by Iraq..(trail off)
Me: Oh, did you say Syria?
Him: Yes, I worked there.
Me: What did you do in Syria?
Him: I cleaned homes..floors...(trail off)
Me: Where else did you work?
Him: Stores, mostly.
Me: What store?
Him: Stores, where they sell things.

This is not going anywhere.  He speaks perfect English, with no accent.  It is not a communication problem.  He is just not specific.  So I switch tactics, and decide to talk about education. 

Me: Are you currently going to school?
Him: I will be going to college.
Me: That's great, where will you be attending?
Him: City College
Me: When are you starting?
Him: Next month...or in a year.

OK, there is a huge difference with "next month...or a year".  Maybe it is just nervous energy.  Maybe if we talk about something that they have a passion for, I can get a read on him.

Me: What will you major in?
Him: You mean, what I want to go to school for? What I want to be?
Me: Yes, what do you want to be?
Him: I want to be a SPY!!

There are a couple of things that race through my head.  The first and foremost is, if you just told a complete stranger, that you want to be a spy, then that automatically eliminates you from being a spy.  The second, the chances are slim to none that the local community college has a spy program, and I don't think I want to be the one to break it to him.  Also, if the community college did have said program, he is disqualified for announcing that he wants to be a SPY!!!

Me: Excuse me?
Him: I want to be a spy.
Me: a spy?
Him: You know a spy, kind of like the FBI

Kind of like the FBI????? Let's just look at this for a minute.  You know about the FBI, so I imagine that you know what the FBI does.  So it is definitely not the FBI, but still "kind of like the FBI".  Yet, there is no mention of the CIA.  It seems unfathomable to me, that you would withhold mentioning the CIA, because you wanted to keep THAT a secret.  When you just announced that you want to be a spy.  I can only conclude there there is some other covert spy program that he wants to be a part of.  One that he does not feel comfortable explaining to this layman.

Me: Thank you very much for taking the time to talk to us.  You are the first of many interviews for this position.....

I was officially done with the interview and gave him the brush off.  I don't need these sort of problems.  I don't mind his aspirations of being a spy.  I mind that he will be the dumbest spy in the world.  I do not need a staff member working on his spy skills on my dime.  I can just imagine him sitting in the corner with a newspaper in front of him, hole cut out for observation purposes.  Or finding a poorly hidden reel to reel in my office. 

I know that he would have been a virtual cavalcade of blog posts.  I just can't chance it.

WARNING: Viewer Descretion Advised

Due to the subject matter, this post should only be read by adults.  There may be times where the subject may make you uncomfortable or offend.  Should this happen, feel free to call off for the rest of the day, to question why you are either uncomfortable or offended.  You have been officially warned.

I have told this story so many times, I don't know who I told it too.  So if you heard it, read it again.  It is one of those stories that take a life of it's own.  That story, that is repeated by multiple people, and is prefaced by "my friend knows this guy, who worked with this other guy..." That guy is me, and this is my story.

I used to share my office space with my Assistant Manager (Matt) and our Assistant (Jim).  It was tight quarters, and when it was too quiet we would have random conversations to cut the silence.  One day Matt announces "fart is a silly word".  I agree and say, "you know what else is a silly word...fellatio". 

I know, I shouldn't have said it.  Please spare me the finger wagging, and enjoy the magic.

Jim turns to us and asks "What's a fellatio?" 

This is the moment where all my training as a liar came into use.  This is also the moment where I became a World Class Liar (WCL).

With the most serious expression, I tell him that it is a sandwich.  Not just a regular sandwich, the best sandwich you've ever had.  I could not look at Matt, while I said this, because he is trying not to laugh, so I continue.  "It is kind of like a grinder, but way better.  There are many options, and it really is a personal preference".  Jim then asks "where do I get one? it sounds deliscous".

At this point, I am amazed that this is happening.   So I push the envlope.

"No matter where you are, you can always find one, you just need to know where to look.  You can always get one downtown.  Sometimes they are selling them on the street, but I would not have a street fellatio as your first one.  Make it event, enjoy it.  Go somewhere you trust, with a good reputation.  And if someone offers you one, you should go for it.  Hell, a good freind will go downtown and get two fellatio's and come back and give one to you."

I know what you are thinking, and I disagree.  This story does not make me a bad man.  What makes me bad, is that I never told him the truth.

Intro to Old People 101

Today's class will be very unconventional.  Today we will be focusing on focusing.

Keeping eye contact is a life skill that everyone should have.  This is especially important with the Oldies. This gives the impression that you are listening, and the person that is talking feels like they have your undivided attention.  More important, you don't have to see what else is going on.

You see on Oldie, has a lot going on, from the neck down.  I can't even begin to tell you the atrocities I have seen.   Open shirt bad...missed buttons with no bra, way worse.

Fashion for an Oldie goes like this: In style, out of style, in style, retro, antique, sheer.
When it hits antique, it becomes dangerous.  Then there is one more step, sheer.  This is when it is so old that the fabric has become see through.  So gross.

I have seen Jesus world tour shirts, that should be in the Smithsonian.

Heart felt apology

Hey...it's me.
I know it has been a while, since we last talked.  I apologize.
It's not you.  It's me.

I know it is cliche. It really is me.

I have a lot going on.  Whao, wait a minute...don't cry.
I didn't mean to hurt...I know, I know...I am so sorry.

I just have had a lot...I know that is not an excuse, I'm not trying to make...
I don't know why I didn't contact you sooner.  I know I could have...no my fingers are not broken.

Look, I'm not breaking up...no, don't cry.
I just wanted to let you know what was going on.

I have been slammed at work, and haven't had time to scratch my butt, let alone do a blog.
I went from preparing for my daughters fifth birthday, to getting ready for audits at work....
And the whole time this was going on...


Yes I did, she is five.  No, I told you I had a daughter.  Yes, it was a Hello Kitty massive sugar party, it was really fun.  Everyone had a good time.

I don't know, I just didn't think to invite you...

STOP YELLING...I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD...
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!

YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT!! I'M SORRY I TRIED...YES I DID TRY!!!
LISTEN!!! IF YOU WANT TO READ MY BLOG, THEN READ IT.  I WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT I'M BACK.

REALLY?!? YOU DON'T CARE?!?!?!

THAN WHY ARE YOU READING THIS!?!?!!?

Intro to Old People 101

I can't remember anyone's name.  Which is weird, because I can tell you that The Polecats sang "make a circuit with me", at the drop of a dime.  But I won't remember your name, three seconds after you tell me.  Most of the people around me think that it is that I don't care.  The truth is, I REALLY don't care. 

I keep a lot of useless information on hand and want to make sure there is enough room for random stuff.  My mind is not a steel trap, and never was, my mind is more like a colander.  When someone talks to me, I only retain certain bullet points.  The rest falls through the colander.  This gives me ample space for all the dumb crap, I find important.  If there is something that I need to pull out of our conversation.  I look at the few items in the colander and piece the conversation together.

This is something that has been very useful to me, when working in my environment.  You see, Old People can't get a story out, if their life depended on it.  They come in my office and talk for 20 minutes (if I am lucky).  When they are done, I look at the two items in my colander, and deal with it.  Usually I start thinking about songs from the 80's, when they are talking.  This gives the impression that I am paying attention.

Example
Oldie: I have a problem at my house, where I live.  My floor plan has...
In my head: Our house, in the middle of the street.  Our house, in the...
Oldie: ...I went to the bathroom...
In my head: Mirror in the bathroom, please talk free.  The door is locked just...
Oldie: ...When I returned I knocked over this table.  It is a little table that I got in Europe, that is hand made by this artisan.  The stuff fell off the table, but luckily my tea cup was empty.  I usually have tea in the afternoon...
In my head: Continue to sing Mirror in the bathroom, then move on to other English beat songs
Oldie: ...the sugar is stuck to the wheels on my walker...
In my head: Lips like sugar, sugar kisses. Lips like sugar, sugar kisses...
Oldie: ...daughter always had an interest in science...
In my head:  She blinded me with science..
Oldie:..and that is why I call my son everyday at 11

This is reason enough, to have selective hearing.  If I listened to every story, from every Oldie, my brain would overload.  So when dealing with Old People, follow these simple steps:

• Do not listen to everything
• Look like your paying attention, by nodding knowingly
• Sing songs in your head to keep you awake 

Class dismissed

Intro to Old People 101

The Passing Lane:
Walking behind an Old Person, presents problems. They will gravitate toward you and cut you off.  They can feel your presence as you are getting near, then in an effort to get out of the way, they move over.  Unfortunately they have just moved in front of you. 

The trick is to pass them NASCAR style.  Go as fast as you can directly in line with the old person, then at the last minute switch to the other side of the hall and pass.  If they freak out and move to the other side of the hall, then that is a bonus.  They just got out of your way.  Be warned, you do not want attempt to draft them.  This will always turn out bad.  You don't want to get a nose full of that exhaust.

This is a very dangerous maneuver if done incorrectly.   You will be in constant danger, so be very careful.  Oldies are constantly crop dusting their way down the hall.  So there is the chance you could find yourself walking into an Old Person's fart.  Just maintain your speed, and hold your breath.

Class dismissed.

Intro to Old People 101

The Phone:
It doesn't matter how old your favorite Senior is, they grew up with a phone.  The phone was invented in 1870.  If they were alive before then, it would make them 142 years old.  I know they seem that old, but it is physically impossible.  Now there is a strong possibility that they did not grow up with one inside their home.  But as they grew older they went from rotary to push button and kept up with the advancements.  You can give them credit for understanding the technology, just don't push what you want, on them.

Cell phones are a regular part of our lives and have become more and more affordable.  Be very careful when purchasing an Oldie a cell phone.  Know your target audience.  If you get them a smart phone, it would be smarter than it's operator.  This is what happens, you buy a cell phone for your Senior, then someone like me has to spend countless hours explaining the phones basic functions.  This is the best case scenario.  The other side of that coin, you purchase it, then have to take time off from your job to show them how to make each and every call, from now until they die.

The answering machine is just as bad, if not worse.  You have a civic duty to help an Oldie set up the machine.  They should not be able to make the purchase with out recording the out going message, before they leave.  When you call and Oldie, this is what you hear: "you didn't do it right, your supposed to press that button.  Where is the book, it says in the...beeeeep".

Here is the interesting part.  They cannot figure out how to record the out going message, but they have no problem listening to the messages.  Just be forewarned, when calling an Oldie, you need to follow the correct procedure.  When calling an Oldie, make sure to talk loud, clearly and slow.  You also want to present the information in a clear manner.  State your name, your number, your message, your name, your number, then your name again.  It may sound like overkill, but you have to understand that when they are listening to your message, they are talking to the answering machine at the same time.  The only part that they will be able to hear is the last time you state your name and number.

Class Dismissed

Intro to Old People 101

The Deuce:
This may a difficult subject to discuss, so we will break it up in small digestible chunks.  I don't want you running out of the class, so this is a topic we will have often.  Just be forewarned, this will resurface, so be prepared and keep your notes.

Number two is number one with old people.  It is a fact of life, and one that becomes a lot more important with the increase of age.  There is a mathematical equation to establish the importance of the deuce, this is essentially multiplying the frequency and age.  This will provide you with a Poo Unit (PU), that can be used to properly establish the amount of Toilet Paper Usage (TPU), and assist with scheduling your own toilet use.  The PU is not to be taken lightly and has become an industry standard.  How does this effect you?  Let me give you an example.

#2 Example
When you use a public restroom, you typically avoid the one that someone stunk up.  You don't want to get blamed for the smell.  Now if someone is in the process of dropping (POD), you want to get in and out, before said person.  If they get out before you, you have the possibility of getting blamed for the deuce.  They leave, you are still washing your hands, a different person walks in, you now own it.

When visiting an Oldie, stay clear of times after feeding periods.  It is best to visit before and leave while they are processing the meal.  Not that I am suggesting you cut your visit short, just be smart about it.  The PU can also be applied to co-workers, despite their age.  Observe the feeding habits of the people you work with, then avoid using the restroom during that time.  This is referred to as the Brown Out (BO).

Remember to keep your notes, this subject will rear it's ugly head again, and again.  Work out your PU and know the BO.

Class dismissed.

Intro to Old People 101

Greetings Class:
This is Intro to Old People 101, also known as Oldie 101.  This is not Advanced Elderly, but it is a prerequisite if you plan to move forward to Adv Oldie.  If this is not the class you signed up for, please leave immediately.  Thank you.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself.  You can call me Professor.  Not The Professor, I was not stranded on a island with Gilligan.  No you cannot call me by my first name, I am not your friend.  However, you can feel free to call me Dude, if you want to get thrown out of my class.  I am not pompous or full of myself, I earned the title, so use it.

I have spent the last ten years working at a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC).  That is a community that has Independent, Assisted, Skilled Nursing and Dementia Living.  All from the position as Director of Environmental Services.  In other words, I know all the dirt on old people.

In this class you will learn about the Oldies.  Why do you need to learn about them? So you can break the cycle.  So you won't grow old and be one of them.  Aging gracefully is a dying art (pun intended), and it is your responsibility to learn how to do so.  I will also teach you how to deal with the Oldies.  This will in turn, save you years of frustration.  I spent the time in their natural environment, for your benefit.  So I hope that you put the work in, and don't drop this class.  I promise you this, you will benefit from my knowledge.

Example: Cake
Never take cake for granted.  It is not what it seems.  Cake has a layer of frosting, this frosting will save you.  In the industry, we call this the spit guard.  Take the cake, flip it upside down, and eat from the bottom and stop at the frosting.  Old People spit and drool more than a baby.  If cake is offered to you, they drooled on it.  And for God's sake, don't make an Oldie blow out their birthday candles.  It's like launching spit through a leaf blower.

This is the tip of the old iceberg, I'll see you here next week.

Class dismissed.

Story of my beard

When I was very young, one of the neighborhood kids was very obese.  He could not be described as having baby fat, or being chunky.  He was 6 or 7, and was round.  He seemed really nice, and kept to himself.  I admit to being bad with names, but in fairness, nobody in the neighborhood knew his name.  As far as we knew, his name really was "Fat Kid".  He answered to it, so it must be true.  This is where you say "kids can be cruel".  He didn't go to our school, he didn't play with the other kids.  He chose to be alone.

On one afternoon, our play options were limited.  It had rained all day, so we were confined to playing under the covered parking at our apartment complex.  We all played with our cars, reenacting last nights episode of Dukes Of Hazzard.  Fat Kid comes over and asks if he can play.  I gave him some of my cars (that I had carefully picked out), and we resumed our game.

Everything was going well, until one of my friends started making fun of me.  Not to say that is bad.  Making fun of each other and our families is a solid form of entertainment in the neighborhood I grew up in.  I don't know what he said, but I fired right back.  This led to my other friend to join in, and we were going round and round.  Typical comments are "your mama so black, she gets marked absent at night school or your nose so big, you pick it with a boxing glove".  This banter is an open invitation for anyone to join in.  We do this so often that if you jump in, you better be prepared.

At this time Fat Kid decides to join in the fun.  He turns to me and says "your so stupid, you keep Frosted Flakes in the freezer".  Then hits me with "your so fat, when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the house".  Followed by "my mom took me to the circus, you can't afford to go".  (Please remember we are all under 7 years old).  The way I see it, he got three good shots in.  I was being nice by not responding, but he just called me stupid, fat and poor.  So I laid into him:

• Your so fat, you don't use a lunch box, you use a suitcase 
• When you went to circus, do they try to feed you peanuts and make you do tricks?
• Was the circus scared that you would steal their tent to make another shirt?
• We can afford the circus, we just can't fit if you are there.
• You are so fat, I don't know where your face stops and your stomach starts

He started crying after the second put down, the last comment made him snap.  By the time I was done, he was charging at me with both arms spinning.  He looked ridicules, like the robot from Lost in Space.  Instead of fighting him, I jumped back and yelled "he is going to eat me!!!"

I knew right away that I had done a bad thing.  The other kids stared at me, while Fat Kid left the parking lot crying.  I usually felt good about myself after I cut someone down, a feeling of power.  My friends, sensing my sadness, did what friends do.  Make you feel worse.  "Wow, that was really mean".  Thanks, you really know how to cheer a guy up.  After, what seems like an hour of silence, Roger walked up to me.  Roger was my closest friend.  Our front doors were three feet apart.  Surely he would make this better.  "Don't feel bad, Fat Kid deserved it...he just stole three of your cars".

This memory is steeped in lessons.  All of which I could have learned from, and been a better person.  The one that stands out the most was that one comment "you are so fat, I don't know where your face stops and your stomach starts".  That is when I decided, when I grow up, I am growing a beard.

My parents said I'm beautiful

Fill your kids with confidence, there are a lot of people in the world that are ready to knock them down.  You don't have to one of them.  Tell them they are beautiful or handsome, tell they are smart.  Let the rest of the world tell them they are ugly or dumb.  And when they do, be there to pick up the pieces.  This is text book parenting.  This is what we are supposed to do.

I don't care that I was not raised that way.  I managed to get by regardless of my upbringing.  It has made me a better parent.  I don't adhere to the helicopter parent approach, but I do a good job.  That helicopter parent is doing more damage than good.  They are hovering around their kid, keeping them from encountering those things that will make them stronger.  They keep their kids covered in a layer of sanitizing gel, then the child gets a common cold and is laid up in the hospital for a week.

Teach your kids the meaning of work.  They are not too good to get their hands dirty.  This country would be nowhere if early settlers didn't step out of their comfort zone.  This sense of entitlement is going to lead to our country's down fall.  It is not a step down if your kid is digging ditches.  I did it, and I turned out fine.  As a matter of fact, I tell people on a regular basis, that digging ditches was the only job I had, where you start at the top and work your way down. Go ahead and write that down.

Confidence is good, dumping it in them like they are awaiting the throne is not.  They will have to eventually fend for themselves.  Telling them that they are model material is bad too.  I'm sure you think your child is gorgeous, you have too.  Just be realistic about it.  They will one day be at a modeling agency insisting that they have what it takes and end up being the model demonstrating how to use a Neti Pot.

Do what you want to do, just remember this.  You could raise your children my way or you could open a pamphlet and see your little girl with a plastic pot shoved up one nostril and water pouring out the other.  You decide.





Note: the Neti Pot is a fine product that works well.  I just don't think I want anyone to see me use one.

Learn how to speak!!!

I may have not had the best upbringing, but there are some things I am very thankful for.  The biggest thanks would be that we were ruthless to each other.  My brother and sister would pick apart any flaw, and I to them.  For instance, when I was a kid I had a nervous habit of saying "uhm".  My siblings declared me a retard and that I sounded stupid.  This only helped me feel self conscious.  Where they helped the most is when my sister decided to show me how stupid I sound.  Every time I said "uhm", she would mock me by yelling "muuuhhh".
I am pretty sure that it was not their intention to help me.  Nor is it mine, when I make fun of others.  I do hope that it helps them in the future.  If you are close to me, I will be very quick to point out your shortcomings.  If you are not, I am very hesitant.  This is a learned behavior, from years of people telling me to be nice.  This makes me boil over, I need to say something, so I will say it to you.
One of the department heads, at my work (let's call her Terry), has some sort of speech impediment.  I don't know if it a true impediment.  I'm kind of giving her the benefit of the doubt.  She can not say school or cool, she says skoo and koo.  She doesn't do it in a ghetto way, that's just how she pronounces it.  So you can imagine, I find every opportunity to get her to say these two words. 
The other day, she comes into my office and is talking about a recent purchase.  She says that she got it at Walmark.  Hmmm, this caught my interest, so I made her repeat it.  Yes she said Walmark.  My office staff, knowing that I am an A-Hole, decide to jump into the conversation.  She must have said it twenty times.  So I guess it makes it official...

Terry thinks Walmark is too koo, for skoo.

Hot cup of prozac with Therepy on the side

It is not a crime to ask for help.  (It is if it involves a dead body, but that's a different story.)  It's good to talk about your problems, get things off your chest, and get help working things out.

Every once and a while, someone says something that makes me wonder, "who hurt you?!?!"  Other times it is very apparent.

This man was hurt so badly that he felt compelled to graffiti a bathroom door.  Even though I think it is extreme, I don't know both sides of the story.

This was a mixed relationship, that much I know.  The writing was above my waistline, so he was not a midget himself.  I also tend to think that if he was a midget, he would not be so quick to point out her size or that it would not be a factor into the statement.

This is probably not the first Midget relationship he has had.  He makes a point to say "bitches" not "bitch", and I would also tend to think that he would be more specific if it was one woman.

Ether way you cut it, this man was hurt.  He may have done it in a drunken rage, but all I see is a cry for help.  It is a shame to see relationships go sour, and hope that time will heal this wound.  There are plenty of Midget fish in the sea, I'm sure that when he is ready, he will cast that little rod and hook another.

You drive a what?!?!

Personally, I think the main reason that car manufacturers inject new blood into existing lines, they are running out of names.  Maybe I am off base, but it can't be too long before it happens.  When I was a kid, cars had cool sounding names and were all about horse power and getting 12 FT to the gallon.  That is how you made it directly to third base.  Not that I know anything about that.  I drove a 69 Plymouth Valiant, that would make you swallow your retainer when I opened her up.  (See that, that there is car talk). 

All the cool names are gone.  So I suggest moving toward medical terminology.  The Ford Glaucoma or the Toyota Tetanus.  Those are cars I would drive.  Or use accounting terms.  The Honda Amortization sounds way better than the Honda Fit.  The Amortization sounds like it dominates other cars, the Fit sounds like Richard Simmons made it.  This is not when all the Fit owners threaten me.  I know they are good cars, they just could have taken more than 10 minutes to name it.  Imagine if it was named the Honda Capitalize or the Macroeconomic.  It doesn't change the car, just gives it a cool name.  Don't be mad, I'm in the same boat.  I have a Scion Xb, that I really wish was called the Viagra.

Dedication

In everything you do, you should show a certain amount of dedication.  This should allow you the greatest chance of success.  Dedication in your relationship is a good example.  Putting your heart into it.  This is good.  Dedication in your job, is a preferred state.  But, sometimes it is for not.  You can pour your heart into it, and your employer not appreciate it or even worse, work environment continues to be stressful no matter how dedicated you are.  It may take a lot of blood sweat and tears before you realize it is not a good fit.  If you cannot find an alternative position, and feel helpless.  Don't worry, it is not permanent.

Not like a tattoo on your head of a guy mowing your hair.

Merry New Year!!

I trust everyone had a happy holiday.  Hopefully your stockings were filled with merriment and your champagne glasses overflowed with gifts.  I took a nice vacation, and got away from it all.  While I was away, I overflowed with things to write on my Blog.  It is so much, that I decided to break it off in small, digestible bites.  I do, however have something to get off my chest.

What the hell is Nog?  According to the dictionary it is a "strong ale formerly brewed in Norfolk, England".  Hmmmm, really?  The only Nog I know of is Eggnog.  Why is this the only Nog and why can't we have the strong ale formerly brewed in Norfolk, England?  That sounds delicious, and it doesn't sound like a seasonal item.  The Eggnog comes once a year.  It must be really lucrative to have an Eggnog company.  Either that or they are the same people that make Advent Calendars and Dreidels.  I say that in order to be considered a Nog, other companies need to catch up and create thier own lovely variations.  I close my eyes and imagine a thick sturdy ale...and smile.


Now the subject of bets.  It isn't so much that I like making them, I like making people do ridiculous things.  One of my favorite things is shave one leg.  The loser of the bet needs to shave one leg.  Any leg of their choice.  The fun part of it, they shave one for the bet, then have to decide if they want to shave the other one.  The female version, stop shaving one leg for two to three weeks.  


My Assistant and I recently had a bet.  No, not the shaving thing.  The bet is to wear two different pairs of shoes, one black the other a different color.  This gave her a lot of anxiety.  She realized that if she lost she would be wearing two different shoes that did not have matching heels.  She would be walking lopsided all day.  She also realized (way too late), that if I lost, I would not care.  I would rock the two shoes with pride.  Guess who lost.

Not only did she walk funny all day, her heels made two different sounds while walking down the hall.