WARNING: Viewer Descretion Advised

Due to the subject matter, this post should only be read by adults.  There may be times where the subject may make you uncomfortable or offend.  Should this happen, feel free to call off for the rest of the day, to question why you are either uncomfortable or offended.  You have been officially warned.

I have told this story so many times, I don't know who I told it too.  So if you heard it, read it again.  It is one of those stories that take a life of it's own.  That story, that is repeated by multiple people, and is prefaced by "my friend knows this guy, who worked with this other guy..." That guy is me, and this is my story.

I used to share my office space with my Assistant Manager (Matt) and our Assistant (Jim).  It was tight quarters, and when it was too quiet we would have random conversations to cut the silence.  One day Matt announces "fart is a silly word".  I agree and say, "you know what else is a silly word...fellatio". 

I know, I shouldn't have said it.  Please spare me the finger wagging, and enjoy the magic.

Jim turns to us and asks "What's a fellatio?" 

This is the moment where all my training as a liar came into use.  This is also the moment where I became a World Class Liar (WCL).

With the most serious expression, I tell him that it is a sandwich.  Not just a regular sandwich, the best sandwich you've ever had.  I could not look at Matt, while I said this, because he is trying not to laugh, so I continue.  "It is kind of like a grinder, but way better.  There are many options, and it really is a personal preference".  Jim then asks "where do I get one? it sounds deliscous".

At this point, I am amazed that this is happening.   So I push the envlope.

"No matter where you are, you can always find one, you just need to know where to look.  You can always get one downtown.  Sometimes they are selling them on the street, but I would not have a street fellatio as your first one.  Make it event, enjoy it.  Go somewhere you trust, with a good reputation.  And if someone offers you one, you should go for it.  Hell, a good freind will go downtown and get two fellatio's and come back and give one to you."

I know what you are thinking, and I disagree.  This story does not make me a bad man.  What makes me bad, is that I never told him the truth.

GENIUS

I really should be using my powers for good, not evil.  I just can't help it.
He came in this morning and said that he looked and looked and only saw NBA game.  I asked him if he went to ESPN West 2 or ESPN West 2A.  He said no, and was questioning whether it is all real.  He says, "I need to see pictures or video".  No problem, come back in 15-20 minutes.  I'm a little busy right now, but I will be happy to show you.

The last entry was done it 15 minutes. 

• The men and women team have competed together for the all star game, so I just pulled a picture and cropped the hell out of it.  (2 min)
• I wanted an action shot of WNBA and found a bench clearing brawl. (5 min)
• I need stats, so copied and pasted the Spurs game against the Rockets (5 min)
• Now I need to write the first paragraph, to read out loud to him (2 min)
• Done so fast I start to change names of players.  Including Tom Waits and John Bighbooty (1 min)

When he comes back into my office, I tell him to hurry and check this out.  I really shouldn't be on this sports feed.  I had made the screen big enough, so he could only see the blog entry.  Then read him the first paragraph, with him looking over my shoulder.  He is amazed that the action was so intense that there was a fight, but understands that the men are probably defensive of the female players. 

He is back on board. 

EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS BLOG: THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD

My lie has taken on a life of it's own. It is like watching your child that you raised go off and have success.  It is my little baby.
I have a large group of people that are in on my lie.  They are getting my contractor excited about the NBA/WNBA games.  We are talking about the game last night and how he missed the action.

Him: I have been listening to the news all morning, and they are talking about basketball, but I don't hear anything about the women and men playing together.  Are you pulling my leg?
Me: These games are considered "exhibition games".
Him: Oh, I did hear that last nights "exhibition game" was the highest rated in history.  But, I am not seeing on the news.
Me: Why are you watching the news for a specialty sports item?? Are you stupid? Try watching Sports Center.  Go ask a real man where to find ESPN.

This is text book.  I throw out something real then hit him with an insult.  This makes the person defensive and less likely to focus on the lie.

I then tell him that we have a line on a group of tickets for Fridays game, and ask if he wants to go.  He is on the fence.  I give him a list of names of who wants to come and we need one more.  We can't go without you.  He is soooo gulible.

Now I move to the ultimate phase...he is going to need proof.  I will be making an entry on my blog, to make him think it is real.  Sorry for the confusion.

The day the Earth stood still

Every day has a "feel", Saturday feels like Saturday, Sunday feels like Sunday, and nobody likes Monday.  Friday is usually a mixed bag.  You have to go to work (that sucks), but the next day is Saturday, so you could tie one on and sleep it off.  Even though it is mixed, Friday can still bring the heat.  It is the day at work you enjoy.  It is "Friday Light".
Last week I found out what my Boss's super power is.  I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about "super powers".  In my defense, no more than any other red blooded male. (Females don't waste their time thinking of these silly things.  We think about super powers, whether or not we can kick the ass of every man in the room, and perfecting a plan if we are ever over run by zombies.)  My Boss has the power to change the day.  She successfully changed Friday into a Monday.  Gloom crept through my office, like an ominous fog.  I could see it in the faces of my staff, as I told them that my Boss was going to be in here.
This would be a cool power if you could change a Monday to a Friday.  Unfortunately her power is to turn ANY day to a Monday.  I don't know what her kryptonite is, but I will not rest until I figure it out.

Prequel?????

I know I am wrong for saying this.  I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
But...

Is this the Prequel to Brokeback Mountain?

Belle?

No, thank you.

Home hunny, I'm high!

There are things that go hand in hand.  If you see cereal, then you have milk.  Now, you may be temporarily out of milk, but you do keep it in stock.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you have black light posters, incense and a bunch of snack foods, then you smoke pot.  That is fine, knock yourself out.  Me, I don't need a reason to eat more snack foods. 

Apparently Wal-mart understands this concept and admits that this will give you a happy home.

I found this in the front check out lane, near the chocolate and chips.  That my friend, is outstanding merchandising! 

Monday morning blues

I'm tired and I don't want to be at work.
I will have to physch myself to make it through the day.

It can only mean one thing.
Eddie Murphy singing "Party all the time"

Not only does the song take me out of my Monday funk.  I get a good laugh at the Guitarist that has the blazer and no shirt.  That is 80's awesomeness!!!!

My bad

I see a lot of stupid things on a regular basis.  This has made me very cynical.  I take a lot of pictures of this stupidity and it barely scratches the surface.  So it stands to reason that I assume that most people are stupid.  I also know that when I do wrong, I need to get up on that same soapbox and declare it.

I took this picture of a sticker on the side of a van.  I am not exactly sure what the message is.  My first thought is "no trailer hitch on crotch".  This struck me as funny and stupid.  I wish people would include an explanation of stickers.  I am a fairly intelligent person, so if I don't get it, then your message is lame.  What are you trying to say? Do you often have people that are trying to hook their Airstream to your Johnson? You know that they put this sticker on to impress the ladies.  Do they think a woman will look at it and be impressed with their ability to attach a trailer to their junk? 

That is when I realize just how jaded I have become.  I automatically assumed that this person was a dumbass.  As I stared at the sticker, I ignored the fact that it was a handicap van fitted with a wheelchair ramp.  The sticker was a warning that the ramp extends.

I suck.