SHUT UP!!!!!!!

We are on vacation, and enjoying it. We love Northern California.

Brother in Law (Joe) took us to a great pizza place. It is a little more upscale than round table. No video games, or talking mice. So we are very happy.

The pizza is thin and deliscuous. It's like a pizza on a cracker.

This is one of those place that have a very loud atmosphere. You kinda expect it in a pizza place. It also had a cool bar scene, so it was even louder. Everything was cool.

At least it was until we got seated next to the neediest person in the world. She is seated behind Joe and I, and she is making our skin crawl.

It is loud in here, and we can still hear all her problems.

Me, me, me, me, me, mememememememememeememe.

It would not stop. It was horrible. She just kept talking. Her friend looked miserable, and she could not get a word in. On and on and on.

Everybody needs therapy. EVERYBODY. That does not mean you have to dump on your friends. Everyone should see a professional when they need help. You don't call your friends when you are feeling a burning sensation when you pee. No, you go to a Doctor, and get a shot of Penicillin. When you have erectile dysfunction, your friends don't prescribe something. And when you have a boner that lasts four hours, you do not decide to take your friend out for pizza and talk it down. So, if have a boat load of problems, go see a therapist. In the privacy of an office.

I don't want to hear your problems. I just want to shake her and tell her the truth. Your man left you because you are IRRITATING. He could do better at a two dollar whorehouse with a buck fifty in his pocket. ANYONE IS BETTER THAN YOU!!!!! You suck and your friend should get a free pass to heaven.

This is why no one returns your calls.

WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

"Considering that English is not my first language, I think I do pretty good."

I like to say that every time someone criticizes my grammar or spelling. It is the perfect way to get them to feel stupid. But now and then I find myself stumped by certain colloquialisms. I had a co-worker (Ray) that would tell people "you don't know shit from shinola".

Well he was right. I really don't know, shit from shinola. Don't get me wrong, I know my shit. As a matter of fact I have a great deal of knowledge in this arena. Having worked in the Environmental Services (Janitorial/Housekeeping) field for a long time. I'm confidant that my expertise would enable me to distinguish it, from anything else. I would even go so far as to say, I know shit from dried mud, melted chocolate, baby food or from chocolate tapioca with nuts. I just don't know SHINOLA.

I figure it is safe to say that Shinola was at one point a very popular item. It would have to have been for it to work it's way into our vocabulary. In the same way that Kleenex or Coke have that brand power. Nobody would use lesser known brands as a reference.

This weekend we were walking through an antique store when something caught my eye. A bottle of Shinola!!! At last the search is over. It is stupid shoe polish. I am so disappointed. This is a crock of shit.

It stands to reason that we should officially change this saying. It is out dated and does not make a whole lot of sense. Really, "you don't know shit from shoe polish" is a stupid thing to say.

I move we update this saying. I would like to nominate the following:

You don't know shit from...

1. Shasta Cola
   
2. Spam
3. Shucked clams
   
4. Shia Labeouf
5. Starbucks

Just about anything would be more appropriate than Shinola.

Summary
The a fore mentioned Ray (the co-worker) was a grumpy bastard that was full of piss and vinegar. He had an opinion on everything. He didn't care if he was right or wrong, he would argue just to argue. He was well read and extremely intelligent, and spent most of his time using these attributes to piss people off. Ray passed away about a year ago. I looked forward to arguing with him everyday. He was my friend. He cried with me when people we knew had passed. He beamed with pride when my kids were born. I keep his picture on my desk, so I can give him a nod when I make a smart ass comment, that he would enjoy. So I will end this with one of our arguments

Me: Shut up Ray, you are arguing over nothing
Ray: No, I'm arguing cause your wrong
Me: You asshole, you would argue with me that the sky was blue
Ray: You'd probably get that wrong too, you don't know shit from Shinola
Me: I know I will out live your old ass

I am not trying to be a buzz kill. I know that Ray is laughing right now, and will be waiting for me on the other side for his comeback.

handiparking

I have been making a huge stink about people who have Handicap placards (see "handicap"). You should park within the lines, no mater what is wrong with you. This has been a huge pile of sand in my underwear for a long time. I am fine with you having a spot in the front, and the extra room you may need to enter your vehicle. I am irritated that you park sideways. I don't care what your handicap is. Truth is...if you cant stay between the lines, I don't want you driving next to me.

We have had our Handicap placard for a few months now, and I am slowly turning into one of them. In my defense, I may be a little closer to one side than the other, but I am by no means crooked or parked diagonal in the spot. But it is true, I am not making good use of the space.

Knowing this, how can I continue to make fun of these people???
BECAUSE THEY STILL CAN'T PARK.

I guess depth perception is a handicap







Look at these signs! They are crooked. These people need a white cane, NOT a Handicap placard



New Rule:
If you hit the sign that designates the handicap spot, I get to take your license and keys.
Then I get to push you down.

Carnie?

Picture this:
It was a long day, work had me worn out. I am flying down the road in the Paste Eater Mobile, stereo on 11, I can feel the stress melting away. I had been on the road no longer than 10 minutes, when I am faced with every light on my dash board lit up like Christmas. I panic, turn down the stereo and roll down the window (like I'm going to be able to diagnose this by sound). There seems to be nothing wrong. I pull into the first parking lot I see, open the hood, and realize something very important.

I am a very handy guy. I change my own brakes, I have installed memory in my computer and have replaced a toilet. This is a mere sampling of the myriad of handy things that I am accomplished at. But much like my computer, I know more than the average bear, thus enough to be dangerous. I'm staring at my engine like I just peeled off the cover on my Ipod. I can tell you what each part does, but staring at it doesn't mean I know what to do.

So I do what everyone who owns a computer does...I shut it down, waited for a few minutes and hoped it would go away. Much to my surprise, the mechanical magic approach was not successful. I very gingerly drive my car home.

The next morning I decide to tow my car to my trusted car mechanic. Everyone needs a computer guy and a mechanic. These can never be the same person. I don't know why, so don't ask. I digress. This is the reason I have AAA. So I can tow my car and not have to worry about it.

Now the fun begins:
Tow truck driver has the Paste Eater Mobile up on the truck in about 15 minutes. I pull my other car around and prepare for the drive to the mechanic. The tow truck driver, lets call him Stumpy, wipes off his hands and approaches my driver side window. Stumpy then tells me his whole life story. I want to be rude, but the man his my car on his tow truck. I don't want to be rude to a waiter that is alone with my food. So you can imagine how fake nice I'm being.

Stumpy is now talking about everything under the sun and quite possibly the universe. He is so random, that I am contemplating flashing a shiny thing at him to distract him. But I am afraid that it would start a new conversation about shiny things.

I have a strange sense of deja vu. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. He is a Carnie! In case you have been living under a rock for the last 50 years, a Carnie is Carnival Worker. You know the type. Dirty, bad tattoos and one tooth in their head. Carnies love to talk. They feed this need by holding you, your loved one or belongings hostage. If your child is on the ride they are operating, you are gonna need to be nice. If you are about to step into the death trap 2ooo, you put our life in his hand.

I hereby submit my newest entry for profiling.

The Carnie:
Greasy, dirty, irritating bastard. That will not shut up.

Ketchup+Chips=Goooooood

I have found myself in a position of authority when it comes to snack food. Many of my peeps have turned to me for my review of said food group. Considering that I have spent a majority of my life consuming these items, I feel qualified.

There is a little known potato chip that has made its way into my life, and I feel it is my duty to bring it to your attention. As a (impoverished) youth, we would take plain potato chips and dip them in ketchup. Do not look at me with disgust, you have a similar weird thing that you do with chips, that may or may not be illegal. There is a Heinz Ketchup potato chip that is available at Kmart. It is fantastic. It brings me back to my youth faster than a giant bowl of frosted flakes and H.R. Puffenstuff.

They also have pizza and steak flavored chips (not same chip, that would be gross).

We all know my views on eating meat. It is my way of making sure that we continue to remain on the top of the food chain. However, I have no problems eating vegetables or vegetable flavored snack foods. This would include any "sour cream and onion" flavored product.

Question: If you do not eat meat, will you eat a meat flavored snack food? If no animal was harmed in the making of said product or any animal byproduct was used, will you eat it? (please note, these meat flavored chips were not good. Unless you like your chips to taste like it was rubbed on old meat.)

The food industry will continue to push the envelope. In this case they sent out three products and one (ketchup) stuck, maybe. The others will meet the same fate as Clear Pepsi. What is your limit? When will you say "enough is enough". I will eat just about anything...once (note: there was a very unfortunate blood sausage incident that I am not too pleased about). But I too have my limit...I will not eat any meat shaped like Jesus or Buddha. I figure that is pushing my luck.

If your limit is droll then it says a lot about yourself. If you cant eat asparagus because your pee smells, then you are boring. If you don't eat them because you think they were raised inhumanely then you are one of my peeps. If you eat broccoli because they look like trees and it makes you feel like a giant or you don't eat corn because of that thing that happened when you spent the summer in Idaho. These are the interesting things that make us individuals. Actually...these are the things that make YOU A WINGUT.

Food tells us a lot about ourselves. One of the first signs that you are headed down the Wingnut road is how you handle food. Now take a good long look at your plate. What does it say about you? If you cant order any meal right off the menu or you have a list of demands that take longer than five minutes. You, my friend are a Wingnut in waiting.

And when you are standing on the street corner yelling at the lights. I will be there to record it. Thank you.

Tip or NOT to tip...that is the quesion

What did the Leper say to the prostitute?...Keep the tip

Sorry, I could not resist.

I was hanging out at "ok, I know nothing", where the subject was tipping. This is a sensitive subject with me, something I am very passionate about. I do not mind showing my appreciation for services. But nowadays, I see a lot of tip abuse. The tip cup is often used as a way to intimidate people into giving a tip.

I tip when it is appropriate or when someone goes above the call of duty to provide great service. Restaurant, bar, etc.

If you work at a donut shop, and you hand me a donut. Do not expect a tip. What the hell is wrong with you. You are giving me a donut.

7-11? I am not going to give you a tip for ringing up my slurpee and beef jerky.

I order regular coffee at Starbucks. Just regular coffee, nothing fancy. Don't expect a tip for pouring it. If I walk up and order a foo-foo drink that takes some craftsmanship, then we will talk.

Fast Food establishments? I went to a Mexican fast food joint, there sitting on the window sill of the drive thru. You will not get a tip for handing me a burrito.

This epidemic is spreading across the country. So, we either band together and tell them to get a clue or we make it a common practice for EVERYONE.

At your Human Resources department, "Thank you for giving me benefits information, here is a dollar for your trouble"

Sign at Doctors office: "Gratuity will be automatically added to your bill with all services that deal with colon"

There are an endless stream of people that I would LOVE to tip.

• People at the DMV-They would have a different perspective if they thought it would effect their tip.
• Ride attendant in Disneyland-How much is it worth to you, if you did not have to stand in line
• Cable guy- I know he will be able to tell me an exact time of arrival, if he was expecting a tip.
  
• Police Officer-"Honest officer, it's not a bribe it's a tip"
  

America should not be held hostage by people that THINK they should be tipped. People in the food industry try to anticipate your needs and physically bring you food and drink. That is who you should tip.

If you work behind a counter, you are not really going out of your way. You want to impress me...come to the parking lot, ask for my order and bring me a coffee.

Why?...why not

Everyday that you roam the Earth, you are surrounded by endless beautiful sights. Like sunsets and the changing of the seasons. These are things we take for granted, things that we only see after living through a tragic event. Something or someone has to wake you up, to the world. Just as you cannot have good without bad, there is as equal amount of stupidity.

I am here to wake you up.

The first stop on our trip is the dentist. And when you think about dental work, don't you wish you could get a tattoo too? Well, your troubles are over. Now you can get a root canal and crown tattoo at the same time. This is what are society is based on, EFFICIENCY.

After you explain to your health insurance why you have a tattoo on your dental bill, you are going to need to assess your health. The perfect place to start a healthy lifestyle is build a better diet. Your local department store will be happy to assist you with this chore.

Why pay for someone to cook you a hotdog, when you can pop it in its own handy toaster. Why wade through the pesky process of properly cooking a hotdog. Why pay attention to those pesky recommended internal temperatures.

While your at it, buy the girdle next to the hotdog toaster. Face it, you don't have the time to stick to a diet. Not when the local coffee house has a drink that is 15000 calories. Not when you can get a hotdog from a toaster. Stuff yourself in this thing and get yourself a friend that is fatter and dumber than you. That way, you will always look thinner and seem smarter.

These are the building blocks of our society. This is why America is free. This is why we are bad "mother cluckers."

Black Friday

The Day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year. This day will make or break a store. Retailers use this as a gauge for the entire holiday season and an overall assessment of the economy as a whole. Blah blah blah economics.

This holiday season, I would like you to take a few things into consideration.

I worked retail for a lot of years. Newsflash...it sucks. I got out of it so that I could enjoy my holiday season. Don't get me wrong, there are some really great perks to working retail. While you are staring at ads and devising a master plan how you are going take advantage of all these deals, we have already unpacked the merchandise and played with it to see if we want it. Then when you stand in line at 2am and fight off hordes of bloodthirsty shoppers, we have hidden the some of the items you are looking for so we can buy them for our families. You accuse people at the store for doing this, and we deny it. Wait for it....we are lying (insert evil laugh here).

Don't judge us. We have to deal with you and your kid that just rearranged the entire toy section. We just dealt with the fact that all 32 ounces of your jumbo soda was spilled on the floor. If you don't like it, go get a job at a store. This will guarantee to blacken your heart.

Now if you still insist in camping out for the newest "tickle my crap toy" or the "Nintendostation 3", please be nice to us. We did not wake you and your cranky husband at 1am. We did not cause the cold front that froze your cheap butt. We did not invite the 2000 people that are in line before you. This was your choice. And no matter how many times you ask, we are not going to tell you where we hid the last item. You are trying to take the one good thing away from having to cater to you, your Highness.

So when you drive up and that line is wrapped around the building. Don't get out of your car. Go back home, get into bed and shop online.

HULK GET MAD!!!!

Much to the chagrin of those around me, I do not get embarrassed.
This is a pretty crappy superpower.

It does whoever, come in really handy when I am collecting subjects for my social experiment/soap box/blog. I understand that a lot of what I write is sent off into cyberspace never to be seen by humans. There is that off chance that the entire Internet is being monitored by an alien life form. If that is the case, they have already formed an opinion of us and are assembling an armada that will decimate our civilization.

That being said, most of my entries are a feeble attempt to save my life. I want to show these superior beings that I am not a mindless drone and possess a certain amount of bravery and valor. This should be evident in this picture:

This dude is huge. There is a strong possibility that he can bench press my car. But when you decide to wear skin tight silver shorts into the store. I'm going to have to document it.

Let us recap. The Hulk is walking around in store with his girlfriend. He is wearing tight silver shorts and checking out another woman. Please feel free to re-examine.

My problem is not with the Hulk. He is who he is because of gamma radiation. My problem lies with his woman. She is a huge black hole for self esteem. This must be the case, because he is snapping back his neck to check this other woman out with complete disregard to his current girlfriend or wife. Who hurt you?? Whatever they did, they done broke you good.

I'm going to have to call this right now. In about one year she will get a set of bolt-ons (breast enlargement) and Hoover her ass (Liposuction). In two years she will walk in on him, her best friend and her sister having sex, and convince herself that they are man stealing bitches. In three years, when the money from Incredible Hulk series runs out, she will be a "lot lizard" (prostitute who specializes in truckers).

Turlock?

Greetings from Turlock!

Why Turlock? It is just where we ended up today. And I'm here to say, this is waaay worth it. I have seen some wonderful sights over the past 12 hours.

This is the land of multi-tasking.
Everyone should go to the local fruit barn and get fresh local fruit and vegetables.


While you are shopping for fresh fare. It only stands to reason that you should combine it with purse shopping.

That is cross merchandising at its best.

However I would take a page out of my ghetto handbook and give this advice. "Never get high, on your own supply".

And when you have a truck load of Apple dumblings, make sure you don't eat them all your self.

..cause aint nothin' worse than being stuck in line at wally-mart behind some kids, all hopped up on the Apple Dumblin'

Lil' Fight Club

The first rule of Lil' Fight Club:
You do not talk about Lil' Fight Club


It takes a certain type a person that will gather kids around and make them fight. I witnessed this recently and was aghast.

I immediately wanted to question the moral aspect. The fact that grown men are being entertained by this blood sport. Then I realized that I cannot jump to conclusions and that maybe there is good reason for this.

Maybe these 4 and 5 year old kids, go to really bad preschool and parents feel that they need the added benefit of knowing how to kill another human with their bare hands.

Maybe parents believe that children lack discipline and would benefit from knowing how to kill another human with their bare hands.

Or just maybe the "Super Hero Factor" has taken over parents lives.

What is the Super Hero Factor??
Thank you for asking...

Everyone knows in the back of their mind, which super power (if they could have one) they would like to have. I don't want to sound sexist, but women take a little longer to realize it than men. Men have been waiting for someone to ask them their whole life. Go ahead try it out. Ask someone in your office, If you could have any super power, what would it be. Men will answer before you finish question. Man from IT department will pull out drawing of the costume that they would wear from (Velcro Incredible Hulk) wallet.

Most people will give the standard answers and it typically says a lot about that person.
Ability to fly= Wants to be noticed, wants recognition.
Invisibility= Wants to drop out of society or is really creepy.
Super Strength= Picked on most of life and is looking for payback.

These people lack imagination and drive. These people are watching reality TV. I want to shake these people until they pass out, then write "loser" on their face with a Sharpie.

My super power is Weight Transfer. The ability to transfer body weight from myself or anyone else onto another person. I would be life of the party and crime would cease, when I make all criminals morbidly obese and unmotivated.

About right now, you are kicking yourself for not coming up with that. This is what happens when you live in a box. You need to go and make it happen yourself. Pick your own super power and don't wait for the list of pre-approved powers. This is a call to arms. Be your own super hero.

Cause there are going to be a lot of well trained 5 year olds and someone has to help me stop them.

Centaur

Of all the Greek Mythological creatures that I have encountered on the street, the Centaur is my favorite. He is brash and unmanned, but deep inside he has a heart of gold. I like to think of him as poison on the outside, with a sweet filling. Just be careful not to cross him, or catch him in a bad mood. Here is Esteban, our neighborhood centaur and crossing guard.

He greets some with a smile and others with a joke. Everyone loves Esteban. Being born a Centaur has been a hard life for him. You see, he is half man, half horse. This is not an ideal combination. Oh you envy him at first, but in all honesty, he is not the ladies man that you would think. Being half man, half horse also tends to leave you in a sour moods on occasion.

As you see here...

This is just before he galloped after my car, cussing and spitting (as Centaurs often do). I know he is upset with me now, but I will always have a place in my heart for you Esteban.

Things are tough all over

In these trying times, it is good to remember that there are others out there that are less fortunate than yourself. No matter what your story is. You may think that life has you down. Remember, always look at the bright side of life (thanks Monty)....

Car trouble?
Remember, there is someone out there driving a Yugo.

Daughter pregnant?
You could have been octomom parent

Dental problems?
You could be English.

These are the things I think of. It helps to keep things in perspective. We all know times are tough, but truth is, it has been tougher. Easy for me to say, I have a job (for now), I have a roof over my head. But, history has proved that things have always been crappy. You didn't invent "hard times", and you are not the first person to the bottom of the barrel.

I ran across this can at an antique store. First of all, is it bizarre that people sell really old cans of trash? If I would have known this I would have save all those cans of Tab Cola twenty years ago. This can is for something used for constipation, it is really old and really big. Whatever was in it probably made you shoot your rectum across the room. The point is, people have been dealing with the same Crap forever.

Now pick up your rectum and get back to work.

Hot Tea

Every weekend I get up and make breakfast for my family. It is something that my kids have come to enjoy. Even expect. They are usually just as excited to help as well. Holly usually sits on the counter and holds a spatula, while I do all the work. Pretty sure she thinks she is supervising me. Jacob, is more hands on. He helps mix and pour, whatever the task calls for. However, if he is not actively assisting, he is drawing or reading.

This particular morning, was very much ordinary. Holly was sleeping in, so it was me and my boy. We headed downstairs and started cooking. We decided on french toast and bacon. Jacob was very happy. He helped crack open the eggs, and mix. These are the things that me a good father. Making time for my kids.

Doing things together. No television. Me and my kids.

After helping me, Jacob grabbed an ad from the paper (he loves all ads, including infomercials), and sat outside the kitchen.

Son: "Daddy?"
Dad: "Yes?"
Son: "What is, hot tea?"
Dad: "Hot tea?"
Son: "Yes, hot tea"
Dad: "There is hot tea and iced tea. One is hot, one is cold.

About this time. I feel the overwhelming rush of satisfaction. Knowing that you are spending quality time with your child. Knowing that he can ask any question and I, his father can answer it.

Son: "Then what does it have to do with nurses or the police?"
Dad: "Excuse me?"
Son: "This says Hot tea nurse and hot tea police"


Dad: "Do you want to have a slice of bacon and watch cartoons?"

BEWARE!

I was leading a two man expedition through a home improvement store. My daughter was very eager to complete this task and take our treasures back to base camp. It is often during these small, under-prepared outings that the biggest finds are uncovered. We had just left the fasteners and were well on our way to completing the task. As we rounded the corner near door locks, we were greeted by the sound of keys being made. The grinding of metal was filling the air. The artisan hard at work as the patron was beaming with the prospect of his new novelty key being made. It was apparent he was going to treasure this Winnie the Pooh key, like no other.

As I slowly made my way past I saw in the distance something that made me reach for my trusty camera. Something that set the hairs on the back of my neck on end. I plunged my hand into my pocket, to come up empty handed. I turned to my travel companion and expected that she may be some assistance in this matter. She however was focused on the pack of candy that I had bribed her with, so she would join me. I went for my phone and unleashed it's camera.

It may be half woman half bear. I am really not sure. By the looks of it, the specimen was very aggressive. The expression engrained on it's face was so sour, that I felt we could be in danger. I would have felt better with the safety of real camera and zoom lens. We had nothing but our shopping cart to protect us.

In our horror, she attacked one of the home improvement centers workers. As she insisted that they check in the back for a certain item that she was in need of. Apparently she did not understand the warehouse concept, and that there was not "back of the store". She relentlessly badgered him. Tearing him limb from limb.

It was here that I knew that I needed to abort the operation and head for higher ground.

We barely escaped with our lives. But I would do it all again.

STORM WATCH 2010

Southern California is on the brink of declaring a state of emergency. There are vast amounts of water falling from the sky.

I can only guess that it is a major travesty. Every news channel has this story as it's lead. It is rain, just rain. This is far from being news worthy. I don't know why they have to send all the reporters to the side of the road, to look at the rain. Crap, I can do that. As a matter of fact, I can see the rain without getting wet. It is called a window. I will say, that it does make me laugh. This poor schmuck spent years climbing up the network ladder, to be standing in a puddle, talking about rain. I'm sure this is not where they saw their career headed.

I'm just a little embarrassed. I like Southern California. What is not to like. We have all the same nut jobs as the rest of the country, sprinkled with a dash of sunshine served in a big fruity glass with a tiny umbrella. I don't like that people on the east coast, will see this and think we are sissies (note, I have not used this word since I was 8. We are going to need to bring it back).

We have run out of things to complain about, when we complain about the 7 days a year that we get rain.

genetics

Every once and a while, we are reminded..."we are what we are".

I am convinced that it is our DNA that drives us to do some of the dumb things that we do. I'm pretty sure one of my ancestors pulled some practical joke gone bad and was stoned (not in the good way) by the other cavemen. Maybe he made one too many "erect" jokes, and they got sick of him. I can see it now "you no walk erect. Uhg, you have erectile dysfunction!". Then at the weekly caveman management team meeting (that my ancestor notoriously blows off), they decide "that not funny". Rock to the dome.

We were also there when Claudius Adidas invented the shoe. As he proudly showed them off for the Emperor and his men. It was my family that invented the "flat tire." This was of course met with great laughter.

I hold my end of the family tradition. One of my favorites, is the gag I pulled on my assistant. I took a perfect picture of her computer desktop. I then removed all the icons from her desktop. I imported the picture of her desktop, then made the image her desktop background. She could not click on any of her icons. Because, they were not there. It was all her background. I know, genius.

All this comes at a price.

This video shows my daughter in swim class. The instructor is having them practice kicking.



You will notice that point, the point where it was no longer enough to splash water.
You will see that eventually my daughter tries to kick the little boy next to her.

That is DNA.

Anonymous cup of coffee

*****The name of this particular, well known coffee company has been changed. The bottom line. They can make me disappear in the night, to be found under under a pile of coffee grounds.

I was hit with an news onslaught about "Tarbucks" coffee. It was on the radio in the paper, all over the AP wire...

After hearing complaints from customers about their coffees, "Tarbucks" is telling its baristas to stop making more than two drinks at a time and to take other steps that might slow things down a bit when you're waiting in line for your latte, the Wall Street Journal reports.

THIS IS HEADLINE NEWS?!?!?!?

If you care this much to be upset, then they own you.
It is a small step before you are turning tricks for "Tarbucks".

It should not be a big deal that they are slowing down to get you your coffee. Hell, I can't believe that they even get your long ass order correct. "Non-fat, half-calf, three pump, four shot....."

You have lost sight of what is important.

You are paying five bucks for a cup of coffee. You idiot.
That is what you should be pissed about. Not that they can't pour it down your throat as you drive by. It's only coffee. If it means that much to you, get off your fat ass and make it yourself. This is why other countries hate us. There is an 8 year old with bloody fingers, sewing buttons on your 100 dollar jeans, for a bowl of rice a day (nod to Jello Biafra)...

I hope this makes you feel better for complaining. Now, pour yourself a big heaping cup of "shut the hell up."

Vegitarians

I eat meat.
This is not a big surprise if you met me. Turns out, there are not a lot of fat vegetarians.

Here is my take on it:
Eating other animals ensures our dominance of the food chain. If word gets out that we are soft, then the stronger more aggressive animals will take over. Monkeys are vegetarians. They are freakishly strong. The only thing that keeps them from ripping off our arms and taking over the world is that we are not above eating them.

Now, to the meat and potatoes...

I get that you don't eat meat. That is your thing. You are not doing your part to hold back the hordes of monkeys that are edging their way in, but whatever. What I don't get is, pretending to eat meat.

I give you Exhibit A
Big cans of fake hotdogs and scallops

and Exhibit B
Big cans of fake chicken patties, beef patties and steak.


If you are proud to be a vegetarian, then eat freakin vegetables. Why do you insist on eating crap shaped like meat, then tell me meat is murder????

Get over yourself.
If you are eating this, just eat meat.
If you are eating this, then you are a poser.


Disclaimer:
If you do not eat this packaged crap you are not on my list. If I offend you, I doubt you possess the upper body strength to do anything about it.

Action Jackson

This is not how a desk jockey dresses. This is the guy that walks in the meeting and announces "now...let the meeting begin". Question is...who are you going to be?

nut and bolt cufflinks

Why are you wearing gold plated foo-foo cufflinks??? Are you afraid to get dirty??? I thought you were a freakin' man?!?!? Show off your manliness with cast resin nut and bolt cufflinks. If you don't own a pair of these, you are a puss.

I will be by later on, to take your lunch money.

Handicap

Recently my wifey applied, and received a handicap placard. This was a big deal. It is hard to make this realization. But it was getting hard for her to make the long trek from the back of the parking lot. It has been a difficult road, and I do my best to keep it light.
I realize in the process of being new owners of handicap placard, that there is a phenomenon that is quite intriguing. I have decided to make it my mission to bring this to light.

Handicap people can not park.

I said it. And if you want to take a poke at me, go ahead. By the looks of the way you park, pretty sure you wont be able to hit me with your car, let alone a clenched fist.

Handicap spot get the most amount of space, and they should. This does not mean that you need to park sideways.
It is my believe that these are not the people that need the handicap placard. These people just can not park and their Doctor feels they are too challenged to assimilate like the rest of us.

I have hereby labeled these people as wing nuts and will begin my campaign to poke them with a sharp stick.

I am kicking this off with this yahoo.

Really, this is your car??????

Well, Jethro. I'm going to have to guess, by the amount of rust, your handicap is Tetanus or Gangrene.

silver skulls cufflinks

Either you are wearing old man cufflinks or you are wearing cheap shiny crap.

That's why I decided to make my own.

All my cufflinks are hand made and painted. Light weight resin and sturdy back

This may be the last thing you can do, to be cool.

I have a complete line that will set you apart and keep people like me, from taking your lunch money.

More to come...