Things are tough all over

In these trying times, it is good to remember that there are others out there that are less fortunate than yourself. No matter what your story is. You may think that life has you down. Remember, always look at the bright side of life (thanks Monty)....

Car trouble?
Remember, there is someone out there driving a Yugo.

Daughter pregnant?
You could have been octomom parent

Dental problems?
You could be English.

These are the things I think of. It helps to keep things in perspective. We all know times are tough, but truth is, it has been tougher. Easy for me to say, I have a job (for now), I have a roof over my head. But, history has proved that things have always been crappy. You didn't invent "hard times", and you are not the first person to the bottom of the barrel.

I ran across this can at an antique store. First of all, is it bizarre that people sell really old cans of trash? If I would have known this I would have save all those cans of Tab Cola twenty years ago. This can is for something used for constipation, it is really old and really big. Whatever was in it probably made you shoot your rectum across the room. The point is, people have been dealing with the same Crap forever.

Now pick up your rectum and get back to work.

Hot Tea

Every weekend I get up and make breakfast for my family. It is something that my kids have come to enjoy. Even expect. They are usually just as excited to help as well. Holly usually sits on the counter and holds a spatula, while I do all the work. Pretty sure she thinks she is supervising me. Jacob, is more hands on. He helps mix and pour, whatever the task calls for. However, if he is not actively assisting, he is drawing or reading.

This particular morning, was very much ordinary. Holly was sleeping in, so it was me and my boy. We headed downstairs and started cooking. We decided on french toast and bacon. Jacob was very happy. He helped crack open the eggs, and mix. These are the things that me a good father. Making time for my kids.

Doing things together. No television. Me and my kids.

After helping me, Jacob grabbed an ad from the paper (he loves all ads, including infomercials), and sat outside the kitchen.

Son: "Daddy?"
Dad: "Yes?"
Son: "What is, hot tea?"
Dad: "Hot tea?"
Son: "Yes, hot tea"
Dad: "There is hot tea and iced tea. One is hot, one is cold.

About this time. I feel the overwhelming rush of satisfaction. Knowing that you are spending quality time with your child. Knowing that he can ask any question and I, his father can answer it.

Son: "Then what does it have to do with nurses or the police?"
Dad: "Excuse me?"
Son: "This says Hot tea nurse and hot tea police"


Dad: "Do you want to have a slice of bacon and watch cartoons?"

BEWARE!

I was leading a two man expedition through a home improvement store. My daughter was very eager to complete this task and take our treasures back to base camp. It is often during these small, under-prepared outings that the biggest finds are uncovered. We had just left the fasteners and were well on our way to completing the task. As we rounded the corner near door locks, we were greeted by the sound of keys being made. The grinding of metal was filling the air. The artisan hard at work as the patron was beaming with the prospect of his new novelty key being made. It was apparent he was going to treasure this Winnie the Pooh key, like no other.

As I slowly made my way past I saw in the distance something that made me reach for my trusty camera. Something that set the hairs on the back of my neck on end. I plunged my hand into my pocket, to come up empty handed. I turned to my travel companion and expected that she may be some assistance in this matter. She however was focused on the pack of candy that I had bribed her with, so she would join me. I went for my phone and unleashed it's camera.

It may be half woman half bear. I am really not sure. By the looks of it, the specimen was very aggressive. The expression engrained on it's face was so sour, that I felt we could be in danger. I would have felt better with the safety of real camera and zoom lens. We had nothing but our shopping cart to protect us.

In our horror, she attacked one of the home improvement centers workers. As she insisted that they check in the back for a certain item that she was in need of. Apparently she did not understand the warehouse concept, and that there was not "back of the store". She relentlessly badgered him. Tearing him limb from limb.

It was here that I knew that I needed to abort the operation and head for higher ground.

We barely escaped with our lives. But I would do it all again.

STORM WATCH 2010

Southern California is on the brink of declaring a state of emergency. There are vast amounts of water falling from the sky.

I can only guess that it is a major travesty. Every news channel has this story as it's lead. It is rain, just rain. This is far from being news worthy. I don't know why they have to send all the reporters to the side of the road, to look at the rain. Crap, I can do that. As a matter of fact, I can see the rain without getting wet. It is called a window. I will say, that it does make me laugh. This poor schmuck spent years climbing up the network ladder, to be standing in a puddle, talking about rain. I'm sure this is not where they saw their career headed.

I'm just a little embarrassed. I like Southern California. What is not to like. We have all the same nut jobs as the rest of the country, sprinkled with a dash of sunshine served in a big fruity glass with a tiny umbrella. I don't like that people on the east coast, will see this and think we are sissies (note, I have not used this word since I was 8. We are going to need to bring it back).

We have run out of things to complain about, when we complain about the 7 days a year that we get rain.

genetics

Every once and a while, we are reminded..."we are what we are".

I am convinced that it is our DNA that drives us to do some of the dumb things that we do. I'm pretty sure one of my ancestors pulled some practical joke gone bad and was stoned (not in the good way) by the other cavemen. Maybe he made one too many "erect" jokes, and they got sick of him. I can see it now "you no walk erect. Uhg, you have erectile dysfunction!". Then at the weekly caveman management team meeting (that my ancestor notoriously blows off), they decide "that not funny". Rock to the dome.

We were also there when Claudius Adidas invented the shoe. As he proudly showed them off for the Emperor and his men. It was my family that invented the "flat tire." This was of course met with great laughter.

I hold my end of the family tradition. One of my favorites, is the gag I pulled on my assistant. I took a perfect picture of her computer desktop. I then removed all the icons from her desktop. I imported the picture of her desktop, then made the image her desktop background. She could not click on any of her icons. Because, they were not there. It was all her background. I know, genius.

All this comes at a price.

This video shows my daughter in swim class. The instructor is having them practice kicking.



You will notice that point, the point where it was no longer enough to splash water.
You will see that eventually my daughter tries to kick the little boy next to her.

That is DNA.

Anonymous cup of coffee

*****The name of this particular, well known coffee company has been changed. The bottom line. They can make me disappear in the night, to be found under under a pile of coffee grounds.

I was hit with an news onslaught about "Tarbucks" coffee. It was on the radio in the paper, all over the AP wire...

After hearing complaints from customers about their coffees, "Tarbucks" is telling its baristas to stop making more than two drinks at a time and to take other steps that might slow things down a bit when you're waiting in line for your latte, the Wall Street Journal reports.

THIS IS HEADLINE NEWS?!?!?!?

If you care this much to be upset, then they own you.
It is a small step before you are turning tricks for "Tarbucks".

It should not be a big deal that they are slowing down to get you your coffee. Hell, I can't believe that they even get your long ass order correct. "Non-fat, half-calf, three pump, four shot....."

You have lost sight of what is important.

You are paying five bucks for a cup of coffee. You idiot.
That is what you should be pissed about. Not that they can't pour it down your throat as you drive by. It's only coffee. If it means that much to you, get off your fat ass and make it yourself. This is why other countries hate us. There is an 8 year old with bloody fingers, sewing buttons on your 100 dollar jeans, for a bowl of rice a day (nod to Jello Biafra)...

I hope this makes you feel better for complaining. Now, pour yourself a big heaping cup of "shut the hell up."

Vegitarians

I eat meat.
This is not a big surprise if you met me. Turns out, there are not a lot of fat vegetarians.

Here is my take on it:
Eating other animals ensures our dominance of the food chain. If word gets out that we are soft, then the stronger more aggressive animals will take over. Monkeys are vegetarians. They are freakishly strong. The only thing that keeps them from ripping off our arms and taking over the world is that we are not above eating them.

Now, to the meat and potatoes...

I get that you don't eat meat. That is your thing. You are not doing your part to hold back the hordes of monkeys that are edging their way in, but whatever. What I don't get is, pretending to eat meat.

I give you Exhibit A
Big cans of fake hotdogs and scallops

and Exhibit B
Big cans of fake chicken patties, beef patties and steak.


If you are proud to be a vegetarian, then eat freakin vegetables. Why do you insist on eating crap shaped like meat, then tell me meat is murder????

Get over yourself.
If you are eating this, just eat meat.
If you are eating this, then you are a poser.


Disclaimer:
If you do not eat this packaged crap you are not on my list. If I offend you, I doubt you possess the upper body strength to do anything about it.

Action Jackson

This is not how a desk jockey dresses. This is the guy that walks in the meeting and announces "now...let the meeting begin". Question is...who are you going to be?

nut and bolt cufflinks

Why are you wearing gold plated foo-foo cufflinks??? Are you afraid to get dirty??? I thought you were a freakin' man?!?!? Show off your manliness with cast resin nut and bolt cufflinks. If you don't own a pair of these, you are a puss.

I will be by later on, to take your lunch money.

Handicap

Recently my wifey applied, and received a handicap placard. This was a big deal. It is hard to make this realization. But it was getting hard for her to make the long trek from the back of the parking lot. It has been a difficult road, and I do my best to keep it light.
I realize in the process of being new owners of handicap placard, that there is a phenomenon that is quite intriguing. I have decided to make it my mission to bring this to light.

Handicap people can not park.

I said it. And if you want to take a poke at me, go ahead. By the looks of the way you park, pretty sure you wont be able to hit me with your car, let alone a clenched fist.

Handicap spot get the most amount of space, and they should. This does not mean that you need to park sideways.
It is my believe that these are not the people that need the handicap placard. These people just can not park and their Doctor feels they are too challenged to assimilate like the rest of us.

I have hereby labeled these people as wing nuts and will begin my campaign to poke them with a sharp stick.

I am kicking this off with this yahoo.

Really, this is your car??????

Well, Jethro. I'm going to have to guess, by the amount of rust, your handicap is Tetanus or Gangrene.

silver skulls cufflinks

Either you are wearing old man cufflinks or you are wearing cheap shiny crap.

That's why I decided to make my own.

All my cufflinks are hand made and painted. Light weight resin and sturdy back

This may be the last thing you can do, to be cool.

I have a complete line that will set you apart and keep people like me, from taking your lunch money.

More to come...