GENIUS

I really should be using my powers for good, not evil.  I just can't help it.
He came in this morning and said that he looked and looked and only saw NBA game.  I asked him if he went to ESPN West 2 or ESPN West 2A.  He said no, and was questioning whether it is all real.  He says, "I need to see pictures or video".  No problem, come back in 15-20 minutes.  I'm a little busy right now, but I will be happy to show you.

The last entry was done it 15 minutes. 

• The men and women team have competed together for the all star game, so I just pulled a picture and cropped the hell out of it.  (2 min)
• I wanted an action shot of WNBA and found a bench clearing brawl. (5 min)
• I need stats, so copied and pasted the Spurs game against the Rockets (5 min)
• Now I need to write the first paragraph, to read out loud to him (2 min)
• Done so fast I start to change names of players.  Including Tom Waits and John Bighbooty (1 min)

When he comes back into my office, I tell him to hurry and check this out.  I really shouldn't be on this sports feed.  I had made the screen big enough, so he could only see the blog entry.  Then read him the first paragraph, with him looking over my shoulder.  He is amazed that the action was so intense that there was a fight, but understands that the men are probably defensive of the female players. 

He is back on board. 

WNBA + NBA = MAJOR COMPETION

Day three of the WNBA/NBA can only mean one thing...the gloves come off.  If you are not watching this, you need to crawl into a hole.  Last nights game was a nail biter and even included a bench clearing altercation.  The often reserved Tim Duncan lost his cool, which led to a pushing match with Dikembe Motombo and Manute Bol.  Nobody said it would be easy.
Leonard hit a 20-footer from the left wing with 5.3 seconds remaining to give the Spurs a 97-95 win over the Houston Rockets in the preseason finale for both teams.
Tim Duncan had 19 points and John Bighbooty added 15 - and both know a bit about winning - but it was the rookie who sealed it for San Antonio.
"I loved seeing that last shot go down so that nobody would have overtime," San Antonio head coach Gregg Popovich said. "It made two teams really, really happy the game was over."
Rookie reserve Marcus Morris scored 20 points, with Chase Beadybeady and Tom Waits each adding 10 points for Houston.
Morris scored 15 points in the second quarter to lead the Rockets to a 51-44 lead and shrugged off a poor shooting performance in the last game, where he went 0 for 4 with one point in 23 minutes.
"It's nice for him to have a good game because he struggled last game," Houston coach Kevin McHale said. "He's going to be fine. He just has to learn how to play different positions. I thought, overall, we again did some good stuff but still have a long way to go."
Both teams played their starters for most of the first and third quarters, with no starter getting over 24 minutes.
Down 95-85 with 3:31 remaining, the Rockets stayed aggressive by attacking the Spurs' second unit. Jonny Flynn scored four points from the line and Jeremy Lin hitting a reverse layup to go along with Goran Dragic's basket to cut the Spurs' lead to two.
Lin's driving layup capped a 10-0 run to tie the score at 95-all with 34.6 seconds left.
Leonard got a skip pass from Cory Joseph, made a move past Lin and hit the jumper to give the Spurs the win.
"I used to get the ball down in crunch time," Leonard said. "I hit a game winner at San Diego State. I just took the shot and made it."

		HOU	SAS
Total Rebounds		35	36
Offensive Rebounds		9	5
Turnovers		16	18
Fast Break Pts:		19	18
Biggest Lead:		7	10
Points in the Paint:		40	38

EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS BLOG: THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD

My lie has taken on a life of it's own. It is like watching your child that you raised go off and have success.  It is my little baby.
I have a large group of people that are in on my lie.  They are getting my contractor excited about the NBA/WNBA games.  We are talking about the game last night and how he missed the action.

Him: I have been listening to the news all morning, and they are talking about basketball, but I don't hear anything about the women and men playing together.  Are you pulling my leg?
Me: These games are considered "exhibition games".
Him: Oh, I did hear that last nights "exhibition game" was the highest rated in history.  But, I am not seeing on the news.
Me: Why are you watching the news for a specialty sports item?? Are you stupid? Try watching Sports Center.  Go ask a real man where to find ESPN.

This is text book.  I throw out something real then hit him with an insult.  This makes the person defensive and less likely to focus on the lie.

I then tell him that we have a line on a group of tickets for Fridays game, and ask if he wants to go.  He is on the fence.  I give him a list of names of who wants to come and we need one more.  We can't go without you.  He is soooo gulible.

Now I move to the ultimate phase...he is going to need proof.  I will be making an entry on my blog, to make him think it is real.  Sorry for the confusion.

SPECIAL BONUS BLOG: THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD

Everyday I have a little meeting with a Sub-Contractor that works for me.  We have been working together for eight years.  He has a good heart, but is somewhat irritating and gullible as hell. About a month ago I turned to him and made the following statement:

"I give you a hard time about being a band wagon fan.  You root for the team that is doing the best, and readily admit to being a big game fan.  That is not acceptable.  Now that the NBA is on strike and the NBA and the WNBA will be merging, what team are you going to root for?"

The beutiful thing about a good lie is the little strand of truth that runs through it.  He sat down and was dumbfounded that the men's and women's teams will be competing together.  There is such a size and wieght difference that it seemed unfair.  That is when I spewed a bucket full of lies

"They can only put as many men that the other team has on the floor, so they are evenly matched.  Any foul committed on a female player is considered a flagrant foul and could lead to the ejection of said player.  This is just a special league that will be in place until the strike is resolved."

HOOK LINE AND SINKER

Fast forward to today.  I told him that since the NBA will begin their season on Christmas Day, this week is going to be jam packed with good NBA/WNBA games.  Each day will have three or four games on.

Why did I do this?  Well, mostly because I am mean.  Not just a little, but a whole lot of mean.  I will not be there when he finds out this was a lie.  He will be making small talk with someone, and want to seem like he is a sports guy.  That is when it will happen.

I love being me.

The day the Earth stood still

Every day has a "feel", Saturday feels like Saturday, Sunday feels like Sunday, and nobody likes Monday.  Friday is usually a mixed bag.  You have to go to work (that sucks), but the next day is Saturday, so you could tie one on and sleep it off.  Even though it is mixed, Friday can still bring the heat.  It is the day at work you enjoy.  It is "Friday Light".
Last week I found out what my Boss's super power is.  I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about "super powers".  In my defense, no more than any other red blooded male. (Females don't waste their time thinking of these silly things.  We think about super powers, whether or not we can kick the ass of every man in the room, and perfecting a plan if we are ever over run by zombies.)  My Boss has the power to change the day.  She successfully changed Friday into a Monday.  Gloom crept through my office, like an ominous fog.  I could see it in the faces of my staff, as I told them that my Boss was going to be in here.
This would be a cool power if you could change a Monday to a Friday.  Unfortunately her power is to turn ANY day to a Monday.  I don't know what her kryptonite is, but I will not rest until I figure it out.

Slammed

To say I am busy is an understatement.  I love the Holidays, but it is a whirlwind.  To me and the hordes of shoppers fighting over this years "Tickle-me-Elmo", this is the Busy Season.  I have not submitted a new blog in forever.  I apologize, but sacrifices need to be made.  It is either blog or have clean clothes.  My family and co-workers voted down the blog.  It is all for a good cause.  I love making Christmas a special time for my family.  Even if this is not how I was raised.

I did not grow up making gingerbread houses and decorating cookies.  One year I got a subscription to National Geographic and I was ecstatic.  I opened my gift and there was a post card saying that I had this subscription.  I tell this story and my kids get sad for me.  I tell them it was the greatest gift of all.  I knew right away, that I would be receiving a new issue every month.  It was like Christmas all year long. 
The Busy Season does make me thankful.  I am very proud what my wife and I have accomplished.  We are very fortunate.  Sometimes I need to be reminded, and sometimes the reminder comes in the strangest places. 

I was fighting for a parking space in the rear of the parking lot.  This would be a clear indication that you are screwed, when you have to wait for a spot to open at the far end of the lot.  This Mercedes pulls up and swoops my spot.  I would normally yell at this woman until her rectum ran out of her ass in fear.  This time I decided to be civil, and was awarded a spot right next to the Mercedes.  I laughed at the idea that this pompous bitch did not get the best of me.  She thinks she is hot shit in her Mercedes.  Then I saw the cassette tapes strewn on the front seat.

That is when I realized that she is not doing better than me.  She drives a Mercedes, rockin' a cassette deck.  Things are not always as they seem.  I am glad I gave her that spot.  It may be the only thing that goes right with her day.  Now I wonder if I can unload my old Dead Milkmen cassettes.

Thanks

I joke that all my friends are dead, and I do it often.  Not because I am callous, but out of respect.  I have not changed that much over the years.  My friends know me as a sharp tongued smart ass, of infinite proportions.  Living or dead, I'm going to make fun.  They would have it no other way.

Last night I reflected on the friends that I have lost.  The good times that we had and the harsh reality that the are gone forever.  What saddens me is that this could have been avoided. Alcohol related liver failure, Heroin overdose, working yourself to the grave and suicide.  None of this needed to happen.

I have formed new friendships over the years, but saw my old  friendships as a security blanket.  "friends will help you move, best friends will help you move a dead body".  That has been my philosophy.  

I don't like to waste my time reflecting on things that I cannot change.  I prefer to keep focus on the future.  This Thanksgiving I give thanks to all the things that I have, not what I don't.  My wife and kids are everything to me and I am very thankful.  God has been very good to me.

It is time to let go of the security blanket.  Enjoy the new friendships that are being forged.  It is time to make a new list of people that will help me move a dead body.

Prequel?????

I know I am wrong for saying this.  I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
But...

Is this the Prequel to Brokeback Mountain?

Loutallica

When it comes to music, I like to stay on the cutting edge.  Even though I lean more towards Alternative, I really like all kinds of music.  Now when I say Alternative, I don't mean the crap on the radio.  I mean stuff that will not get air play because they can not afford to grease palms or they refuse to do so.

Every so often something comes up, and I am shocked that I didn't hear about it in advance.  Lou Reed and Metallica have an album coming out Oct 31!  I had to stop working, put an out of office on my phone and research this gem.  It is an album that is based around a theatrical interpretation of two works by modernist playwright Frank Wedekind.  OK, I am down.

I remember blowing money as a kid, by judging a band by the cover of the album.  Nowadays it is a couple clicks of a mouse to get a good taste of new music.  Well I tasted this, and can honestly say it is the musical version of a shit sandwich.  Even though I did not buy the album, I did stop working to check this out.  I will need Lou or Metallica to compensate me for time lost.

The music and the vocals do not match up.  It's like a Lou Reed album playing while the neighbor is blasting Metallica.  Now I am basing this on listening to half of the first track "the View", but I do not need to eat the whole shit sandwich before declaring that it is not good. 

I have a lot of respect for both Lou Reed and Metallica, but my assistant put it best "just because spaghetti and ice cream are good, does not mean that they should be together"

The Fruit does not fall far...

My poor daughter gets sick all the time.  She goes to preschool, so she catches everything coming down the pike.  Once again she is a trooper as I took her to the Doctor this morning.  While I was there, I realize just how much my daughter and I have in common.  As miserable as she may feel, she is always down to eat and watch television.  These are the two main things I DID NOT want her to inherit. 

Today, however, a new trait popped up.  At the Doctors office we saw this toilet...

She pointed at it and yelled "look Dad, sweet toilet!!!!"

That's my girl.

The greatest gift

The greatest gift, is a gift that keeps on giving.  I know you are thinking STD, but I mean something good.  Not burning sensation.

I was given this awesome gift from Sir Cardigan.  It is a lego clown, less than an inch tall.

I keep it on my desk, sort of out of the way.  Apparently when you are scared of clowns, and you have a tiny clown perched on your desk, it freaks people out.

That my friends, is AWESOME!!!

Pain in the ass?

I heard a piece on the radio about people that didn't know some things to be true.  A lady learned in a dinner party, that there was no such thing as unicorns.  Another person thought elves were real and was referring to people smaller than midgets.

I have a confession to make.  I am not 100% sure what hemorrhoids are.  I know it sounds odd, but I'm just being honest. I have never experienced the problem and honestly don't know what to look for if I was.  I just know that everything is fine down south, no problems to report.

This came up when a co-worker admitted the same.  Again, this is very odd.  You see, I work in the health care industry.  Nope, I am not a doctor.  I work in the operations aspect.  So it would make sense that I would know about these things.  I can explain Scabies in great detail, tell you how it is contracted and how to disinfect.  Yet, I don't know crap about hemorrhoids. 

I blame the internet for this problem.  It holds a wealth of information, but I am afraid to type in hemorrhoids.  It's like the Guinness book of world records.  When you crack it open you expect to find the world record holder in, whatever.  I put hemorrhoid into my search engine, I'm going to see a more than I want to see. 

I vote that someone make search engine that does not pull up the extreme situation.  So you can be introduced to a subject without causing irreparable damage to your psyche or give you nightmares.  A place where a person could look up hemorrhoids or ring worm and not want to vomit.

Bill Gates, if you are still reading my blog, please have this taken care of.

confuses say, you so stupid.

There is currently a reality TV show about a family dealing with economic upset.  Really, a show about people dealing with real life.  This is absurd.  It is not a drama or sitcom.  It's not like "Good Times", with Florence and the kids dealing with living in the projects.  It is real life.

There used to be a day, when writers would write a show and sometimes it would work, other times it wouldn't.  But there was a certain amount of creative process that was involved.  It seems to me that they come up with a rough idea and throw a camera crew in the general direction.  When is it enough?  When we have an interactive facebook that records everything in your life so that people can tune in?

At least with movies they are trying their best to rework the same ten movie plots.  I am positive there is a room full of executives that throw darts at a wall full of random ideas.  First dart: missing limb, second dart: dolphins.  "Let's make a movie about a dolphin with a missing fin!" 

This lack of effort has slowly crept into our lives and I will not stand for it.  Fortune cookies should have fourtunes in them.  Even if they are not even close to being accurate, give it a try anyway.  I opened one up the other day, and it had a statement.

 No fortune, just a statement or observation.  You are not trying!!!  It could have easily said, "you have a pulse" and been just as relevant. 

We should always put our best foot forward, don't settle for middle of the road and more importantly, do not watch reality TV.

Belle?

No, thank you.

Chivalry is not dead...it is in hiding

As I dropped off my daughter this morning, I saw a parent and child that I was not familiar with.  In day care circles this means that the person is new or they are "off cycle".  Everyone comes around the same time every day.  You get accustomed to seeing the same kids and parents.  We don't know each others names, but only as "so-and-so's" mom/dad.  When you are "off cycle" then you have some schedule changes that force you coming at a different time.

This mom was definitely dealing with schedule changes.  She interacted with the teacher, knew them by name (which is a hell of a lot better than me).  Her and her son seemed very nice.  After saying my good bye's to my daughter,  and telling her what's for dinner (she needs to know what's for dinner), I head to my car.

As I am leaving the parking lot, I see her walking up the street.

This it the dilemma:
If I don't ask her if she needs a ride, I look like a complete douche.  If I do ask her, then I look like a creepy guy.  I am going the same way as her, her son goes to the same school as my daughter, she saw me with my daughter in the school.

So I gave her a ride.  Upon entering my car she felt obliged to tell me that she never excepts rides and I in turn needed to tell her I never offer.  I never offer, because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or seem like a creepy guy.

I feel like I have to explain all this in detail, and am sure I am not the only one who feels this way.  Look people, chivalry and good manners has not gone the way of horse driven carts.  It is very much alive and well.  It is hard to pull over and offer someone help, and they look at you like you are an axe murderer.  I know that everyone should be cautious, and don't want to change that.  I just want everyone to be aware that there are men out there that have good intentions.  Despite the uncomfortableness of helping someone, I will continue to offer.  Until I get a face full of mace, then you are all on your own.

Epilogue...
She needed a ride to an office located on Magnolia.  This is the biggest street in our city.  No problem, she said that it was just down the street.  9 miles later, we arrive at our destination.  Good thing it was in the opposite direction from my work.

Life, death and the important stuff in between.

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for a dear friend.

Angie and her family gave me my first job.  This is where I learned the basis of the leadership that I use every day.  This is where I grew up.

In the past few years, I was the pole bearer for her husband Mike.  Who taught me to keep your nose to the grind stone, never ask anyone to do anything, you don't know how to do and the harshest management style known to mankind.

Her son Chris was my first mentor.  He taught me customer service, dedication and how to be a true leader.  He was a good friend and I miss him dearly.  He passed away about a year ago.

Angie was the foundation for the whole family.  She was prim and proper in a sea of dirt and grease.  She believed in me, no matter what.  She always made sure I knew, I was family.

This was a huge loss and sent me into a sad state.  It wasn't just that Angie passed.  It was like Mike and Chris dying all over again.  To see the other family members, and offer my condolences.  I felt like I was saying sorry, for ALL the losses.  This was very apparent when one of the surviving sons, broke down with me.  We sobbed for everyone.

My wife is very supportive, and lets me deal with my sadness my own way.  I love the memory of my friends and carry on their legacy in everything I do.  I am fortunate that I am in a position that allows me the opportunity to teach other people leadership fundamentals.  This is how I repay them, for all they did for me.

After the services, I took off my suit jacket and we picked up our kids.  When we got home, I stayed in the garage to take some things out of the car.  In order to save time, I put on my jacket and walked in the house.  My daughter turned around and says: "Why are you so dressed up?  You look very handsome."

In one simple conversation, everything is right in the world.  Everything will be ok.

The Punisher

I saw this chair at a retirement community. 

I was shocked.  This has to be one of the most openly dangerous chairs in the universe.  It is inviting someone to have a very embarrasing accident.  Or maybe this chair is typically purchased by people that WANT to have that special kind of accident.

Or maybe I am just reading too far into it.  It's just a chair that has acorns on the arm rests.  It's all in my head.

Nope, this chair is ALL wrong.

Home hunny, I'm high!

There are things that go hand in hand.  If you see cereal, then you have milk.  Now, you may be temporarily out of milk, but you do keep it in stock.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you have black light posters, incense and a bunch of snack foods, then you smoke pot.  That is fine, knock yourself out.  Me, I don't need a reason to eat more snack foods. 

Apparently Wal-mart understands this concept and admits that this will give you a happy home.

I found this in the front check out lane, near the chocolate and chips.  That my friend, is outstanding merchandising! 

Say it loud, say it proud

I don't believe that there are a lot of cultures that embrace the bumper sticker like Americans.  There are villages that are using burros to haul supplies to and fro.  If they had a car, it would not have a bumper sticker on it.  There are people in the desert, holding on the side of a van.  They don't feel the need to have their political views stuck to the bumper.  These people must hate us.

We use these stickers to transform our vehicles.  As if they have some magic powers.  When you own a Honda minivan, all you have to do is apply a Slayer sticker to the back window.  Now you don't look like you are driving the kids to soccer practice.  That sticker announces to the world, that at any given moment...mosh pit.

Most country's view this Ford truck as a work vehicle.  Not to us, we feel it is equally important to share our preference on female body parts.

These things would never fly in most country's.  This is why our fore fathers left England. Bumper stickers are made for Americans.  If you own a bumper sticker, or are looking into buying one...keep that money in the good ol' US of A.

It is only here, that you can have a work van that you can advertise your religious beliefs, your views on Government officials and your right to bear arms.  Take a moment to drink this image in.  The sticker on the far right says: Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.  That my friend is freedom.  That sticker is actually telling the world: Ted Kennedy's car has killed more, but at the drop of dime, I will even the score.

you are fired!

I love the Circus.  I love the atmosphere, the acts and yes, I love the clowns!  What is not to love about a clown.  Their whole goal in life is to make you smile.  They will put their life on the line, to make you laugh.  I am talking circus clowns, not rodeo clowns.  That's just creepy.

I recently took my family to the Circus.  It was a blast.  I can't help but think all the time, effort and skill that goes into everything that each act does.  They swing from the ceiling from fishing line, ride bikes on a twine and spin around on the end of a telephone pole that is being twirled by a Roman Gladiator.  That is talent, that is skill.

Some of these jobs, however, make me glad I do what I do.  They make me feel thankful.  When things are bad at my work, I remind myself.  At least I am not the guy that walks behind the elephants with a snow shovel, to pick up poop.  At least I am not the guy in this video.  He comes in to work, everyday, just to get fired.

crazy produce

I don't mind going to the grocery store, that's where they keep all the food. Since I like to eat, it makes sense, that I like to buy the food I like to eat.  Try to keep up with the math.

For the most part, I buy name brand cereals for my kids. I don't mind buying the generic brand, when it tastes the same, but I am not going to deprive my kids from sugery goodness.  I also will not buy this cereal...

Not because it doesn't taste like Trix, because I really have no idea.  I won't buy it because of the name.  Freaky Fruits will lead to many uncomfortable conversations with my kids.  It is inevitable that they will ask, why are these fruits freaky?  I will either have to lie or tell them about the alternative lifestyle these fruits lead.  I am not suggesting that I will hide these things from my kids, but I don't condone launching into these conversations because of a box of cereal.

These fruits should be able to live their lives without public ridicule.  They should live like the majestic Pluot.  The Pluot is a cross between a plum and a apricot.  Or the Grapple, an apple that tastes like a grape.  They hang out in the specialty area of the fruit stand.  Nobody understands it, they gawk, then move on to the conventional fruit.  Not me.  I embrace this alternative fruit, and I do it in a way that is respectful.  I don't go around throwing labels, like freaky fruit. 

There will be a day, God willing, that there will be unlimited choices.  If you only like apples, great eat an apple.  If you only eat bananas, I don't judge.  I also want to eat my Pluot and Grapple, and nobody should try to stop me.  Mark my words, one day there will be a Cran-Apple the size of my head, and that my friend, is THE WORLD I WANT TO LIVE IN!!!!

Music Review: Mariachi el Bronx

The Bronx

The Bronx are a hardcore band based in LA.  They have a  great West Coast flavor, that can be appreciated if you are a connoisseur (like myself) of punk music.  I know this may miss the palate of a lot of music fans, but you cannot look at this genre of having nothing to offer.


I submit, for your approval, the alter ego of The Bronx...Mariachi El Bronx

Mariachi El Bronx

This was borne from a request for The Bronx to do an acoustic set, so they decided to do it as a Mariachi band.  This has taken a life of it's own, including a recent appearance on the Tonight Show. So what genre is Mariachi El Bronx? They play Mariachi music in English, you figure out how they fit into a heading at a music store.  All I know is that you need to listen and expand your mind.

Buy this!!!

Mariachi El Bronx newest release, is a work of art.  The album flows from beginning to end.  The Opening track 48 Roses, is a great strong start.  The mood changes to love ballads including a fantastic song highlighting the infamous Revolution blvd in Tijuana.  This album is good from beginning to end, showcasing their musical talent with great respect to Mariachi music.  This genre might have been a tough egg to crack, without looking like a parody.  They do it with style and grace.  Each song tells a story, and each story is steeped in complex arrangements that are flanked by acoustic guitar and bass.  I could go on and on, but then I would sound like a music snob, aka music douche.  This is the equivalent of someone that sips wine and talks about the woody flavor with lilac doused finish.  This is just really good freakin' music.

Music Review: Aggrolites

The plan this weekend was to completely geek out.  There was a lot of good music that was dropping, and I was gonna break me off some of that.  Nick Lowe, John Doe, Mariachi El Bronx and Aggrolites were going to be my new acquisitions.  This is my equivalent to Christmas, Chanukah and Boxing Day (which I assume involves big boxes filled with delicious sandwiches and fried treats).

I love music, but can't make it to the music store anymore.  Also, all our record stores were eaten up by big box assholes that think that music is the pop crap that falls out of Beyonce's ass.  So it was a going to be a combination of purchasing on line and uploading.  I normally like to buy my CD's, so I can hold it, squeeze it and call it George.  I just could not wait for this round to show up in the mail.  I would upload half and wait for the other to arrive at my door. 

Things did not go as planned, Nick Lowe doesn't come out until September, John Doe end of August, Mariachi El Bronx August 3rd.  One by one, I was shot down.  The music gods were not happy with me, and banished me to musical timeout.

My only saving grace was Aggrolites newest release "Rugged Road"...
This album lacks the intensity and flavor of previous releases.  Aggrolites last album "IV", was a musical masterpiece from the word go.  So it stands to reason that the only place to go, was down.  It is just a little hard to digest when they have consistently excelled expectation with each album. 

The Aggrolites coined the phrase "dirty reggae", a combination of Reggae with a soulful undertones and a nod to punk.  They own this genre.  It is the natural progression that Reggae has made and others have fought.  Look at other types of underground music and you will see how it has evolved, this is one the many evolutions.

It is not fair to make comparisons to this album with previus, but damn it, it needs to be done.  "Rugged Road" starts out slow from the gate, leaning on more of Roots Reggae.  "IV" hits hard with the first track, priming you for things to come.  "Rugged" flexes the Aggrolites muscles by showcasing their musical talent with 5 of the 10 tracks being instrumental.  This is approximately the same number of instrumentals found of "IV", but with double the tracks.  "Rugged" lacks the continuity and brazenness of "IV".  It is more of stroll in the park with Mary Jane, compared to the love, hate, joy and excitement of "IV".

If this album is your first foray into Aggrolites music, you will be very happy.  You will pop it in, and feel the contact buzz as you plow through a bag of Cheetos.  If you love the Aggrolites, then you will be pleased that they did not call this album "V", because it is not a good follow up to one the best albums of their musical careers.

Now excuse me while I try to clean the Cheetos dust off my IPod.

Monday morning blues

I'm tired and I don't want to be at work.
I will have to physch myself to make it through the day.

It can only mean one thing.
Eddie Murphy singing "Party all the time"

Not only does the song take me out of my Monday funk.  I get a good laugh at the Guitarist that has the blazer and no shirt.  That is 80's awesomeness!!!!

Misery loves company

AAAAGH!!! MY EYES!!!

This is someone's Grandma.  This is gross.  Please make it stop.

If you know this woman, or one of her great-grand kids, please for the love of God, make her put on some clothes.  I am sorry to do this to you, but if I make this a public appeal, maybe we can make a change.

Now excuse me while I wash my eyes out with bleach.

Government control

I believe everyone should get the freedom choice.  I don't think that we should be monitored by Big Brother, The Government or Aliens that are planning to annihilate us.  I also believe that most people take this freedom and crap all over it, and ruin it for everyone.  There is a reason that the gas station stopped letting people use the restroom, because YOU messed it up for the whole class.

You should be able to buy what you want, when you want.  But there are some things that are a really bad idea.  I am not pro gun control, but think that you should not be allowed to buy a 30 round clip for your AK-47.  Why do you need that?  You can make the argument that it is one of our fundamental freedoms to bear arms.  I could not agree more.  However, I do not think our founding fathers meant that you should be better armed than most third world countries.  I am not suggesting that the government take control, I am saying that the manufacture needs to take some sort of responsibility.
 
This responsibility should resonate in all areas of our lives.  But, time and time again, I am faced with the fact that large corporations, just don't care.  This could not get any more evident than the latest menu item at McDonalds.  You can buy 50 McNuggets for $9.99.  This seems insane to me.  Why would you need 50 nuggets?  You can't argue that this item is for a family, when there are no other items on the menu that cater to this.  You can go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and buy a bucket of chicken.  They base their menu on this.  You can buy different combinations that are suited to your family.  Everything at McDonalds is for an individual, including the two cheeseburger meal.

Companies NEED to take responsibility for their actions.  This is the sort of thing that will lead to the government mandating that you cannot purchase more than said amount of calories per day.  This will happen and every wingnut in a trailer will scream that the government is trying to take control of EVERYTHING.  They wouldn't have to if society could show some self control.

I am a fattie, and I love to eat.  I will also be the first one to vote that there needs to be a mandatory waiting period to buy a crate of McNuggets.

My bad

I see a lot of stupid things on a regular basis.  This has made me very cynical.  I take a lot of pictures of this stupidity and it barely scratches the surface.  So it stands to reason that I assume that most people are stupid.  I also know that when I do wrong, I need to get up on that same soapbox and declare it.

I took this picture of a sticker on the side of a van.  I am not exactly sure what the message is.  My first thought is "no trailer hitch on crotch".  This struck me as funny and stupid.  I wish people would include an explanation of stickers.  I am a fairly intelligent person, so if I don't get it, then your message is lame.  What are you trying to say? Do you often have people that are trying to hook their Airstream to your Johnson? You know that they put this sticker on to impress the ladies.  Do they think a woman will look at it and be impressed with their ability to attach a trailer to their junk? 

That is when I realize just how jaded I have become.  I automatically assumed that this person was a dumbass.  As I stared at the sticker, I ignored the fact that it was a handicap van fitted with a wheelchair ramp.  The sticker was a warning that the ramp extends.

I suck.

You made me do this

When I was a growing up, there was a little thing called integrity.  Considering that I was associated with the dregs of society, it may seem like a exaggeration.  For example, we would get into bar clearing brawls, but the police were never involved.  You could leave your backpack in front of the 7-11 (so they could ensure no one would shoplift), and nobody would take it.  Maybe it is a case of honor among thieves, anyway you look at it...things were better.

I was at a Starbucks recently (where I ONLY order large coffee flavored coffee) and had to use the restroom.  There was a shelf in the restroom, and I couldn't understand why.  It occurred to me that its sole purpose was to place your coffee, while you take care of business.  This seems really gross to me.  I would not take my coffee into a public restroom, and I certainly don't need shelf.  If I do need to use the restroom, and I didn't have the wherewithal to think about this BEFORE I ordered my ten dollar coffee, then I would put it on a table.

What world do you live in where you need to bring your coffee into a public restroom.  Are people concerned that someone would take their coffee?  I have experienced how people order drinks at Starbucks.  I can say with great certainty that you are the only one that likes your coffee.  The person that drags their coffee into the restroom is the same person who took five minutes to order the stupid drink.  Nobody wants it, you can leave it on a table.

How about we meet halfway.  They can place a shelf outside the restroom, so you feel special.  Just be warned, now that I know that you are a complete douche...I am taking your drink.

Be a candy bar

You know what, Forrest was kind of right.  Life is not like a box of chocolates, people are.  You have all these wonderful differences that make us a community or a box of chocolates.  What I don't like are the people that are like nougat.  Nougat was created as a filler, so they don't have to add all the good stuff.  Nougat is crap wrapped in chocolate.

This analogy goes a long way, it applies to just about everything.  Music: Van Halen was chocolate with nuts, after David Lee Roth it turned to nougat.  Movies: Terminator 1 was chocolaty caramel goodness  Terminator 2 and on, were nougat bombs.

Now that you get it, you can apply this to life.  What kind of person have you been, and who would you like to be?  I would like to think that I am a solid Hershey bar, but others would differ.  I am more like the Hershey with almonds.  Good hearty chocolate laced with nuts.

Try not to be nougat, because the best that you can be is a Milky Way bar.  And people that go out of their way to consume a Milky Way bar are not to be trusted.

Bad Mother...shut your mouth

If you have not made this purchase, and you do a lot of cooking, buy yourself a cast iron skillet.  If you like fried food (and who doesn't) it works like a dream.  The iron heats up to a scolding temperature and you can go from the stove top right into the oven.  One of the best places to make this purchase is at a camping supply store or Ace hardware.  That validates it as a kick ass piece of cookery.  When you are able to buy it at a store that carries firearms or power tools, then it screams testosterone.  As a matter fact mine came with a hunting knife, Impact wrench and a ball pein hammer.

When you do buy your cast iron skillet, try not to be greedy.  I bought one of the largest skillets I could find.  I figured that I have a large family, so I can take advantage of the space.  This thing is a monster.  It is so large that it takes up one and half burners and weighs a hefty 11lbs.  It is heavy enough for me to seriously think about it, before whipping it out.  This thing means business.

Like the man I am, I have decided to name it.  This is what men do.  We name the things we love or that are ominous/dangerous.  We name cars, guitars, guns and tools.  Actually some of the tool names are universal.  Every man has a BFH (Big F-ing Hammer) and a FUBAR (F'ed Up Beyond All Recognition).  Go to a construction site and ask.  They will pull out a really large hammer and a demo tool that looks like a hammer and a crowbar had a child.  Then they will give you a wedgie and throw you in the Shit Shack (outhouse). 

My cast iron skillet is named Shaft.  It doesn't matter that it is fry pan. 

This thing can kick your ass.

Automated Response- Do Not Reply

I will be out of the office Monday June 20th, in observance of Sir Cardigans birthday.  If this is an emergency, please contact Dont Care (idontcare@goaway.com). 

I don't want to give the outward appearance that I am taking an abundance of time off.  Rest assured this is not the case.  I only take time off for holidays that I deem important.  This is a milestone birthday and should be publicly acknowledged.  This should have been done at the surprise party that was thrown for him on Saturday.  Unfortunately I could not attend.

Because Sir Cardigan and myself have never hung out alone, I don't know what I can do to honor him on this special day.  So I will do the following:

• Because DEVO does not get the respect that they deserve, I will be blasting my entire collection while wearing a red plastic flowerpot.
• The movies Gremilins, Goonies and Monty Python Holy Grail will be playing on a constant loop
• I will be playing the following video games: Zork, Q-bert and Joust
• I will construct a beer bong then after using it, will find a mime to harass

These are not things I did to celebrate my 30th birthday, I just wish I had.

Dont feed the animals

Recently we went to Las Vegas for the weekend.  We are really not big on gambling, as a matter of fact I did not spend a cent on it.  I do, however enjoy the city and the many things it has to offer.  The big casinos spend a ton of money to keep you entertained.  This is also wingnut central.  I can't begin to tell you about all the crazy people that I saw, and I didn't even stay on the Strip. 

I kinda see Vegas like being at the zoo.  You can observe the wildlife, but you want to be careful, not to get too close.  For instance, I saw this man in a motorized chair.  He was driving down the middle of traffic begging for money.  I am not sure if you make a good case for soliciting money if you can afford to drive a motorized chair, and you obviously have access to electricity to power it.  I wanted to give him tips on how to increase his begging potential.  A good limp goes a long way, so you may want to semi push the chair.  This will also give the illusion that you can not afford to charge the device.  As much as I wanted to be helpful, I doubt my family would be pleased with my attempt to hone my leadership ability by mentoring him.  I instead, stayed in the safety of my car and took a million pictures of him as he cruised by.  Just like the zoo.

The zoo analogy was mind blowing.  Everywhere I looked there were these people.  There is a certain comfort level that comes with this epiphany.  I felt very much in my element.  Able to observe, make commentary, without the fear of being grouped in with them.

This comfort zone quickly went away when we had breakfast one morning.  Because I am a big fat guy, I love me the buffet.  To us fatties, the buffet is like a religious experience.  The real fat ones pray multiple times a day, in the direction of Vegas.  I am sitting there, enjoying my eating experience, when I realize that the people that are waiting in line to enter the place, are staring at me.  I whip my camera out and start taking their pictures.  I figure I can post these people on my blog and talk about how rude it is to ogle at others when they are eating.  I'm staring at my picture, when I realize that they were observing me!  I am one of the animals in the zoo, and they are looking at me like I am a wildebeest that is feeding.


I guess this is justice.  I treated all these people like animals in the zoo.  All the while, I was one of them.  There is a lesson to be learned here.  I just don't care what it is.

Thank God

I am constantly on the look out for bizarre people or things.  Not every day is a treasure, sometimes it will be days before I see something that is picture worthy.  Then there are other times, that my better half prevents me from taking the shot.  She is doing the Lord's work, by stopping me.  Although, I think it is amusing that I am posting a picture of a one legged midget with one eye, my wife disagrees with that. The other day I hit the jackpot.  


As I passed by this establishment, I did a double take.  I drove back into the parking lot, so I could take a better look.  8158 Human Hair Co is definitely picture worthy.   Now, this should be a slam dunk.  They obviously specialize in human hair weaves.  Well, it is obvious to me.  What is not so apparent, is why they named it 8158 Human Hair Co.  8158 is not the address, it is the price of the weave.  They charge $81.58.  This seems very short sighted.  How can they increase or decrease the price?

I barely had time to process the picture I took of the human hair place, when I saw this truck.  I had to speed up to take this picture (Note: One day I will get a ticket for taking pictures like this, and my wife will divorce me.  If you enjoy these pictures, then you need to come to my defense).  This guy has a mural on the gate of his truck, that depicts him getting pulled over by the police.  Let me give you a little insight on "Truck Guys".  They typically do things to their trucks to make them more attractive to the opposite sex.  They will drive huge monster trucks that get horrible gas mileage and can only be useful when crushing cars or small villages.  They do this because they think "chicks dig it" (this will eventually be blogged about in an upcoming entry entitled "Are You A Bro-Ho?").  Can you imagine the self esteem on the woman who falls for this guy?? Even worse, I imagine he has a tattoo that is just as bad.  Maybe of him being handcuffed.

At about this time, I was beginning to think it was me, not these people.  Maybe I am trying to hard to see the nuttiness around me.  Am I the sole nut in the bowl.  As soon as I asked myself this question, God answered me.  In the form of guy standing on the corner reading a bible out loud, while holding a trombone. 


This is proof that God has a sense of humor...this is proof that God loves me.

Cops and Robbers

I don't mind hanging out at the toy store with my kids.  Like most men, I like toys.  What I like most are the things that I think are cool.  Things that I wish I had when I was a kid.  I love the transformers, they are engineering masterpieces.  However, you need a MIT graduate to help you transform it.  Other than that, what is not to love.  It is a toy that turns into another toy.  This is way better than than the pipe cleaners that my parents bought me.  Yes, my parents bought me a huge pack of pipe cleaners.  I could twist and turn those pipe cleaners into whatever I wanted. I told you I was poor.

On one of my trips to the toy store I saw a police play set.  What I thought was interesting is that it did not include a gun.  I'm not saying that you need a gun to be a police officer.  Bobbies in the UK, typically don't have a side arm.  What is odd, is that this play set has a baton, goggles, compass, watch, canteen and hunting knife.  I don't want to live in a town where this is standard issue for the police force.  Although it would strike fear in the heart of a criminal when a goggle wearing police officer runs after them with a baton in one hand and a hunting knife in the other.  Maybe it wouldn't scare every criminal.  I don't think this officer would be well equipped to thwart a criminal that has a gun.

It also seems strange to me that a police officer would carry a compass and canteen.  Do law enforcement agents typically get lost or find themselves in a position that they may need a drink so urgently that they need to have it on their person?  I can't imagine there are a lot of foot chase scenarios that would dictate the use of a compass, let alone a chase that is so extensive that they would have the upper hand by having a canteen on hand.

Because of all these questions I decided that further investigation was necessary.  This toy had to be made in a country that this is normal.  I was thinking maybe Canada.  Not because of socialized medicine, the affinity to the Olympic sport Curling or Allen Thicke.  I'm thinking more on the lines of Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  A Mountie would be very well prepared with this gear.  He would also be able to subdue a rogue lumberjack or moose.

Of Course I was wrong.  The toy was not made in Canada, as I had hoped, it was manufactured in China (pause for shock and dismay).  What I want to know is, why did they do this?  Do the police force in China use these items, or do they think that American police do?  Do they have some sort of image of Chuck Norris wielding a knife?  Let's be honest, Chuck wouldn't need the knife. Or maybe this is a peek into the future.  About six months ago I saw this sign...

If they are offering sword training, maybe we will have a generation of criminals that are adept at sword fighting.  If that is the case, it makes sense that the police force would arm themselves with hunting knives and batons. 

Who am I kidding...this still does not make any sense.

I'm a wingnut too

I enjoy fooling people.  I wouldn't consider myself a liar...who am I kidding.  I am a professional liar.  I lie about just about everything (that is inconsequential).  I don't lie about the important things.  Just the little things.

Ask me if I saw the latest movie, and I will probably say yes.  On a good year, I will go to the movies once.  I don't want to hear you try to talk me into seeing this movie, so I will lie, so you will let it go.  That seems harmless enough.  I am essentially lying to save you from the brutal truth: "No I will not see your stupid movie, now shut your pie hole."  See, I am doing the world a service.  I will also use this discretion, when you walk up to me looking like a stuffed sausage clown hooker.  I won't point and laugh, then ask if you lost a bet.  I will just say "wow, look at you" or "niiiiice!" and always followed with a thumbs up.  These are all examples of me, being nice.

I will also lie, to underline your stupidity, to see how gullible you really are or allow you the opportunity to join in the fun.  It is not as confusing as it sounds.  Let's say we are at a party and a small group of people are engaged in a conversation.  It is inevitable that I will work some sort of stupid lie into the conversation.  Example: Punky Brewster actress, (Soliel Moon Frye) did porn in the 90's under the name "Humpy Brewster."  This may sound ludicrous, but please keep in mind that I sell it.  I give a back story that Soliel turned to a life of drugs after her show was canceled, but since her porn days, has become a prominent fixture in a Christian organization that rescues porn stars (all lies).  If I am underlining your stupidity, you buy it hook line and sinker.  Then you spread my lie to other people.  If you are borderline gullible, you will be skeptical, and rightfully so.  That is the challenge and the back story that I weave is where I get you to bite.  Now the people that smell the lie, they are my accomplices.  They chime in with their verification of my story.  Ahhh good fun. 

Recently a friend gave me this picture:

It is a Hot Dog on a Stick employee at an airshow.  Pretty random.  That fact that he printed it and put it into a frame, makes it magical.  I now have carte blanche to make up whatever story I want.  Please note, this picture sits on my desk next to pictures of my family.

My current story...
In 1991, some friends and I started sending money to a Ethiopian family in need.  They used this money to help fund their education.  Last year, the youngest daughter was excepted into an overseas exchange program where she joined Hot Dog on a Stick University.  She excelled in the program, and was offered a position running a pilot program "Hot Dogs around the world."  This picture was taken at the farewell party, just before she boarded the plane.  She is now back in Ethiopia running a very successful Hot Dog on a Stick.

I don't know why I do this.  I do know that my wife would never take this nonsense, so I take it out on other people.  I used to be way worse, my wife makes me a better person.

The world should thank her.

Blasphomy eggs with a side of going to hell toast

Wingnuts come in all shape and shape and sizes, and they need to eat breakfast too.  While at a swapmeet (aka-flea market if you are from Northern California), I saw this gem:

You can use this to make an egg in the form of the Holy Cross.  I guess you could also use it to make Holy Cross pancakes as well.

My intention is NOT to launch into a discussion about religion.  I once had a manager that told me: "opinions on religion and politics are like assholes...everyone has one, I don't want to hear about yours."  What I want to know is: which group is buying this, and why.

mmm...Oscar Wilde

Is it the super religious person?  Do they want to be so close to God, that they want to ingest religious icons?  Do these people also have Jesus Christ waffle irons?  I get being passionate about your beliefs, but don't you think it has gone to far when you want to eat it?  Let's just take religion out of the equation.  Let's say you are very passionate about the literary works of Oscar Wilde.  I can't imagine that someone would want to eat him.  Not to say that a Oscar Wilde omelet wouldn't be delicious, especially with Dorian Gray sauce.

Is it the anti-religion people or people from other religions that are "haters"?  As odd as this may seem, these two groups would be a dream to market this too.  I can see that infomercial now (que the dream sequence)..."How dare you claim that you are agnostic, when your kitchen utensils are the same as everyone else! How dare you preach that the other religions are evil overlords trying to repress the truth, when you are eating the same eggs as the infidels! Well, your worries are over...with the religious icon breakfast set.  Now you can enjoy a little blasphemy in the morning!  Hate the Christians? Bite into a Cross Over-Easy.  Want to stand out as a upraising member of the Agnostic Front? Order the whole set and enjoy starting your day with a hearty breakfast off ALL the religions! Order now and we will include the Baby Bullet for freeeeeee!!!!"

worst idea...EVER!!!!!

My kids were watching TV, the other day.  They were watching one of the five thousand kids channels that are available.  The show goes to a commercial break, and I hear something very disturbing.  An add for a small hand held food processor, that caters to making baby food.  The product is made be the manufactures of the MAGIC BULLET.  Surely you have seen this, it is all over the infomercial circuit.
What caught my attention was not the product itself.  I'm sure there are plenty of people that would like to make their own baby food, that would appreciate it.  My problem is the name...

THE BABY BULLET

Are you freakin' kidding?!?!?! Somebody needs to be fired immediately.  I can't even imagine how this made it through.  What is even more interesting to me, is the list of names they deemed unacceptable:

The Infant Arsenal
The Food Regurgitator
The Child Annihilator

These are probably the same rocket scientists that convinced Chevy to sell the Nova in Mexico, without changing the name.  Nova means "no go" and Baby Bullet means something bad.  Really, really bad.

YOUR FREAKIN' ME OUT!!!

Our children take swimming classes at the YWCA.  I love the organization and we take advantage of as much as possible.  This weekend I had something happen, that completly takes me off gaurd.
I went to use the restroom, so I opened the door and walked in (because, that is how I roll).  As soon as I entered, I freaked, and ran back out.  I then check to make sure that I did not enter the Women's room.  I did not make a mistake, thank goodness. 
This freak out, was well justified.  When I walked in, I did not see any urinals.  This will send any man into a tailspin.
I have done this at least twice in this building.  I have also done it once at a facility that caters to retired women philanthropists. 
I would like to make an urgent plea to anyone designing a building.  If you cater to mostly women, you do not have to install urinals.  But, please post a sign in the restroom that say "Stay calm (this is the Mens room) and carry on".

Thank you.

Hunters vs. Gatherers

When civilization starts to crumble and humans are pitted against one another.  Two groups will remain.

Meat eater's and Vegetarians

This war will be waged in an effort to take control of what remains of the human race.  ME (Meat Eaters) will not be as dominant as one would think.  VEG (Vegetarians) have an upper hand in this struggle.  Their bodies are already accustomed to a lifestyle of grass and bark, so can sustain life with the vegetation that surrounds them.  ME will have to actively search out animals to hunt.

The tide will turn when the two groups battle each other for supremacy.  VEG will initiate the confrontation.  They know that one day ME will eventually stalk them as prey, so they will do a preemptive strike.  VEG has technology on its side, they have the Salad Shooter.  Armed with the Salad Shooter, ME has no way of defending themselves and they will be doomed.

Until I saw this....

 The Jerky Gun will win the war!

Crappy party

Parties for kids have become pretty standard over the last ten years.  You get a bounce house and let all the kids jump themselves silly until they walk with a limp for the next two weeks.  The parties without the bounce house, are usually more entertaining, or they really suck.  When you invite a bunch of kids over, you have to work really hard to be entertaining to keep them engaged.

These bounce houses come in all shapes and sizes.  They usually have a popular character theme associated with it.  They get around paying the license fee's by making small changes to character and changing it's name.  Spider man is now Spider dude, Dora the Explorer is Donna the Explorer and of course Sponge Roberto Square Pantalones.  I get a kick out some of the ingenuity that these manufactures have.  Castles, forts, tropical theme, you name it, they have it.

But, when I saw this bounce house, I figure it is going to be a really crappy party.

for corn's sake!

In the previous blog, I talked about my colon.  This post is in no way associated to the aforementioned area.  Nor, do I want to give the impression that my current health issues are somehow related to or a direct result of.  I say what is on my mind, so don't read into it.  Let's just chalk it up to bad timing.

Corn is one of the staples in my household.  We may not eat it that often, but I always keep some on hand.  Great for a quick stir fry and easy compliment to any meal.  I prefer fresh corn, but don't mind canned.

For a special treat, I bust open a can of Mexicorn.  Mmmmm, I love me the Mexicorn.  You have seen it before, it is on the top shelf near the other cans of corn.  What makes it special is the mix of corn AND bell pepper.  That is where it is at.

Now, as much as love the product, I am having a tough time wrapping my head around a few things.  Green Giant makes this, and do a damn good job of it, but why doesn't anyone else?  There are hundreds of different companies that can manage to put corn into cans.  Is Green Giant the only ones that have this recipe?  It is corn and bell peppers, not that hard to figure out.  Maybe the competitors don't want to break into this market due to financial reasons.  Yet, every grocery store carries it, so I imagine that there is a market for it.  Other than adding the bell peppers, it seems to have a pretty low cost overhead.

What happened to completion? They are obviously very smug about their monopoly on Mexicorn.  They have some sort of attitude about it, because they only sell it in 7oz. cans!  Not only are they the only ones that sell it, they make you buy tiny cans to make you spend more.  Is this the division that is run by the Green Giants side kick Sprout?  Where he has tiny machines that only put out 7oz. cans?!?!

Someone has to step up, and take on the Giant.

Club Urgent Care

For three days I have had a pain in my lower abdomen.  Wife thinks I pulled a groin muscle, and she is usually correct.  Because I am so active (fat guy that is active, makes me a "can-do fat guy"), it is not unusual for me to have blood trickling down my leg or be sore, with no explanation.  Well, after three days (and one miserable night of moaning), I decided I needed medical attention.

3:05pm- Arrived in Urgent Care
I don't mind hanging out with sick people.  I do mind being in a waiting room full of people that are bored, and looking forward to having a conversation with me.  Standard Operating Procedure for these situations: look extremely pissed and in pain.  As expected, no conversation.


3:50pm- Initial contact
"Where is this pain? Where on your lower abdomen? Oh, that is not good" How is this good bedside manner?  Then ask me to provide a urine sample?!? I'm sorry but I can't pee right now, but I just shit a brick.  After mustering up some urine...back to the waiting room.

4:15pm- Doctor time!
"Nope, not a hernia.  Nope, not a pulled groin muscle.  Let's go ahead and have you lay down so I can jab my hand into the area until you cry."  At one point I started giving away secrets, just in case she was interrogating me.  After satisfying the Doctors sadistic curiosity, she counseled me.  She told me that I probably have an infection in the colon and lower intestine.  The good news is that it can PROBABLY be treated with antibiotics.  The bad news is, if it is really bad we need to do surgery tonight.  Oh, look at that, another brick fell out of my ass.  "Let's run you through a few tests."

4:25pm- Blood Lab
I walk through a room full of people waiting to be called into the lab, they read my paper work and announce "we need you to straight in, the Doctor has labeled you STAT."  This has given me a sort of attitude, like I had a backstage pass.  Until I realize that maybe there is something wrong with me. 

4:50pm- X-ray
They were almost waiting for me at this department.  They usher me in, ask me to put on a gown and start a series of x-rays.  Getting x-rays, always makes me ask the same question. If it is safe for me to have you use this machine on my body, why are you standing in the next room to operate it?  They never acknowledge this question as being serious.  It just doesn't give me a huge vote of confidence when someone tells me that it is safe, then runs away.

5:35pm- Back in waiting room
I felt guilty going up to the door and knocking, when the entire waiting room is full and I look like I can't wait my turn.  I want to wear a sign that says "They told me to knock" on my chest.  I instead opt for the less obvious visual.  I predominantly display the large piece of gauze taped to my arm and the paper work that says STAT on it.

5:50- Panic in the waiting room
I like being dialed in, when it comes to technology.  I like that I can monitor a grip of email addresses from my phone.  What I learned is sometimes it is a little too much.  Because I logged into my healthcare providers website they are sending me all the results to the tests.  This would normally mean nothing, but they are adding in the "normal range" for each test.  I can see that I am normal in all except the Blood Urea Nitrogen.  This makes me more than nervous.

6:30pm- CT Scan prep
Doctor pulls me aside and says "I wasn't too happy with your tests, lets prep you for a CT scan."  she said this in a full run, as she was about to attend to another patient.  This is probably not something that you want to say in passing.  I'm tired, hungry and thirsty.  So I can't even muster a reply before she disappears into a different room.  I am placed in a room with a bunch of people hooked up to IV's and asked to have a seat and be patient.  At 7:00pm they tell me that I need to drink a huge cup full of liquid chalk spiked with what I can only imagine as being Elephant urine.  I slam it down, wipe the residue off my chin and declare "I'm done, lets go."  They tell me I have to wait 2 hours before they can do the scan, but while I am waiting, they will prep my IV.  Oh, boy! I can sit around for two hours with a piece of tubing running out of my arm, what fun!

7:15-7:27pm- Where's Waldo? (finding a vein)
It turns out when you are dehydrated, your veins are near impossible to find.  I have also come to the conclusion that the huge bucket of chalk and piss has done nothing to help.  I handle this with a pleasant smile.  Not because I am happy, but because I don't want to make them mad.  I don't insult waiters or waitress because they have my food.  I'm going to be really nice to a person that is trying to insert something into my body.

9:00pm- Donut eats man
At this point in my day, I am trying my best to hide my fatigue. The first technician greets me with a smile and asks how I am doing.  She did not accept my answer and told me that I look sick and tired. The second technician just stared at me and announced, "you look like hell."  They shove me into the scanner, which looks like a giant glazed donut.  Seven minutes later, I am done and on my way back to the Doctor.

10:30pm- Prognosis
Infection in lower intestine and colon.  No I did not ask how I got it.  It is not something you think of when you are hungry, tired and dehydrated.  I just took my handful of prescriptions and wanted to go to the pharmacy.  As I am leaving a nurse turns to me and makes a comment, she says "thanks for coming, it is always a party".  I tell her "This is the worst nightclub EVER.  The drinks taste like crap, the only thing that looks like food, you stuck me INTO and all the girls wanted to poke holes in me.  I'm pretty sure this club sucks".