SHUT UP!!!!!!!

We are on vacation, and enjoying it. We love Northern California.

Brother in Law (Joe) took us to a great pizza place. It is a little more upscale than round table. No video games, or talking mice. So we are very happy.

The pizza is thin and deliscuous. It's like a pizza on a cracker.

This is one of those place that have a very loud atmosphere. You kinda expect it in a pizza place. It also had a cool bar scene, so it was even louder. Everything was cool.

At least it was until we got seated next to the neediest person in the world. She is seated behind Joe and I, and she is making our skin crawl.

It is loud in here, and we can still hear all her problems.

Me, me, me, me, me, mememememememememeememe.

It would not stop. It was horrible. She just kept talking. Her friend looked miserable, and she could not get a word in. On and on and on.

Everybody needs therapy. EVERYBODY. That does not mean you have to dump on your friends. Everyone should see a professional when they need help. You don't call your friends when you are feeling a burning sensation when you pee. No, you go to a Doctor, and get a shot of Penicillin. When you have erectile dysfunction, your friends don't prescribe something. And when you have a boner that lasts four hours, you do not decide to take your friend out for pizza and talk it down. So, if have a boat load of problems, go see a therapist. In the privacy of an office.

I don't want to hear your problems. I just want to shake her and tell her the truth. Your man left you because you are IRRITATING. He could do better at a two dollar whorehouse with a buck fifty in his pocket. ANYONE IS BETTER THAN YOU!!!!! You suck and your friend should get a free pass to heaven.

This is why no one returns your calls.

WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

"Considering that English is not my first language, I think I do pretty good."

I like to say that every time someone criticizes my grammar or spelling. It is the perfect way to get them to feel stupid. But now and then I find myself stumped by certain colloquialisms. I had a co-worker (Ray) that would tell people "you don't know shit from shinola".

Well he was right. I really don't know, shit from shinola. Don't get me wrong, I know my shit. As a matter of fact I have a great deal of knowledge in this arena. Having worked in the Environmental Services (Janitorial/Housekeeping) field for a long time. I'm confidant that my expertise would enable me to distinguish it, from anything else. I would even go so far as to say, I know shit from dried mud, melted chocolate, baby food or from chocolate tapioca with nuts. I just don't know SHINOLA.

I figure it is safe to say that Shinola was at one point a very popular item. It would have to have been for it to work it's way into our vocabulary. In the same way that Kleenex or Coke have that brand power. Nobody would use lesser known brands as a reference.

This weekend we were walking through an antique store when something caught my eye. A bottle of Shinola!!! At last the search is over. It is stupid shoe polish. I am so disappointed. This is a crock of shit.

It stands to reason that we should officially change this saying. It is out dated and does not make a whole lot of sense. Really, "you don't know shit from shoe polish" is a stupid thing to say.

I move we update this saying. I would like to nominate the following:

You don't know shit from...

1. Shasta Cola
   
2. Spam
3. Shucked clams
   
4. Shia Labeouf
5. Starbucks

Just about anything would be more appropriate than Shinola.

Summary
The a fore mentioned Ray (the co-worker) was a grumpy bastard that was full of piss and vinegar. He had an opinion on everything. He didn't care if he was right or wrong, he would argue just to argue. He was well read and extremely intelligent, and spent most of his time using these attributes to piss people off. Ray passed away about a year ago. I looked forward to arguing with him everyday. He was my friend. He cried with me when people we knew had passed. He beamed with pride when my kids were born. I keep his picture on my desk, so I can give him a nod when I make a smart ass comment, that he would enjoy. So I will end this with one of our arguments

Me: Shut up Ray, you are arguing over nothing
Ray: No, I'm arguing cause your wrong
Me: You asshole, you would argue with me that the sky was blue
Ray: You'd probably get that wrong too, you don't know shit from Shinola
Me: I know I will out live your old ass

I am not trying to be a buzz kill. I know that Ray is laughing right now, and will be waiting for me on the other side for his comeback.

handiparking

I have been making a huge stink about people who have Handicap placards (see "handicap"). You should park within the lines, no mater what is wrong with you. This has been a huge pile of sand in my underwear for a long time. I am fine with you having a spot in the front, and the extra room you may need to enter your vehicle. I am irritated that you park sideways. I don't care what your handicap is. Truth is...if you cant stay between the lines, I don't want you driving next to me.

We have had our Handicap placard for a few months now, and I am slowly turning into one of them. In my defense, I may be a little closer to one side than the other, but I am by no means crooked or parked diagonal in the spot. But it is true, I am not making good use of the space.

Knowing this, how can I continue to make fun of these people???
BECAUSE THEY STILL CAN'T PARK.

I guess depth perception is a handicap







Look at these signs! They are crooked. These people need a white cane, NOT a Handicap placard



New Rule:
If you hit the sign that designates the handicap spot, I get to take your license and keys.
Then I get to push you down.

Carnie?

Picture this:
It was a long day, work had me worn out. I am flying down the road in the Paste Eater Mobile, stereo on 11, I can feel the stress melting away. I had been on the road no longer than 10 minutes, when I am faced with every light on my dash board lit up like Christmas. I panic, turn down the stereo and roll down the window (like I'm going to be able to diagnose this by sound). There seems to be nothing wrong. I pull into the first parking lot I see, open the hood, and realize something very important.

I am a very handy guy. I change my own brakes, I have installed memory in my computer and have replaced a toilet. This is a mere sampling of the myriad of handy things that I am accomplished at. But much like my computer, I know more than the average bear, thus enough to be dangerous. I'm staring at my engine like I just peeled off the cover on my Ipod. I can tell you what each part does, but staring at it doesn't mean I know what to do.

So I do what everyone who owns a computer does...I shut it down, waited for a few minutes and hoped it would go away. Much to my surprise, the mechanical magic approach was not successful. I very gingerly drive my car home.

The next morning I decide to tow my car to my trusted car mechanic. Everyone needs a computer guy and a mechanic. These can never be the same person. I don't know why, so don't ask. I digress. This is the reason I have AAA. So I can tow my car and not have to worry about it.

Now the fun begins:
Tow truck driver has the Paste Eater Mobile up on the truck in about 15 minutes. I pull my other car around and prepare for the drive to the mechanic. The tow truck driver, lets call him Stumpy, wipes off his hands and approaches my driver side window. Stumpy then tells me his whole life story. I want to be rude, but the man his my car on his tow truck. I don't want to be rude to a waiter that is alone with my food. So you can imagine how fake nice I'm being.

Stumpy is now talking about everything under the sun and quite possibly the universe. He is so random, that I am contemplating flashing a shiny thing at him to distract him. But I am afraid that it would start a new conversation about shiny things.

I have a strange sense of deja vu. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. He is a Carnie! In case you have been living under a rock for the last 50 years, a Carnie is Carnival Worker. You know the type. Dirty, bad tattoos and one tooth in their head. Carnies love to talk. They feed this need by holding you, your loved one or belongings hostage. If your child is on the ride they are operating, you are gonna need to be nice. If you are about to step into the death trap 2ooo, you put our life in his hand.

I hereby submit my newest entry for profiling.

The Carnie:
Greasy, dirty, irritating bastard. That will not shut up.

Ketchup+Chips=Goooooood

I have found myself in a position of authority when it comes to snack food. Many of my peeps have turned to me for my review of said food group. Considering that I have spent a majority of my life consuming these items, I feel qualified.

There is a little known potato chip that has made its way into my life, and I feel it is my duty to bring it to your attention. As a (impoverished) youth, we would take plain potato chips and dip them in ketchup. Do not look at me with disgust, you have a similar weird thing that you do with chips, that may or may not be illegal. There is a Heinz Ketchup potato chip that is available at Kmart. It is fantastic. It brings me back to my youth faster than a giant bowl of frosted flakes and H.R. Puffenstuff.

They also have pizza and steak flavored chips (not same chip, that would be gross).

We all know my views on eating meat. It is my way of making sure that we continue to remain on the top of the food chain. However, I have no problems eating vegetables or vegetable flavored snack foods. This would include any "sour cream and onion" flavored product.

Question: If you do not eat meat, will you eat a meat flavored snack food? If no animal was harmed in the making of said product or any animal byproduct was used, will you eat it? (please note, these meat flavored chips were not good. Unless you like your chips to taste like it was rubbed on old meat.)

The food industry will continue to push the envelope. In this case they sent out three products and one (ketchup) stuck, maybe. The others will meet the same fate as Clear Pepsi. What is your limit? When will you say "enough is enough". I will eat just about anything...once (note: there was a very unfortunate blood sausage incident that I am not too pleased about). But I too have my limit...I will not eat any meat shaped like Jesus or Buddha. I figure that is pushing my luck.

If your limit is droll then it says a lot about yourself. If you cant eat asparagus because your pee smells, then you are boring. If you don't eat them because you think they were raised inhumanely then you are one of my peeps. If you eat broccoli because they look like trees and it makes you feel like a giant or you don't eat corn because of that thing that happened when you spent the summer in Idaho. These are the interesting things that make us individuals. Actually...these are the things that make YOU A WINGUT.

Food tells us a lot about ourselves. One of the first signs that you are headed down the Wingnut road is how you handle food. Now take a good long look at your plate. What does it say about you? If you cant order any meal right off the menu or you have a list of demands that take longer than five minutes. You, my friend are a Wingnut in waiting.

And when you are standing on the street corner yelling at the lights. I will be there to record it. Thank you.

Tip or NOT to tip...that is the quesion

What did the Leper say to the prostitute?...Keep the tip

Sorry, I could not resist.

I was hanging out at "ok, I know nothing", where the subject was tipping. This is a sensitive subject with me, something I am very passionate about. I do not mind showing my appreciation for services. But nowadays, I see a lot of tip abuse. The tip cup is often used as a way to intimidate people into giving a tip.

I tip when it is appropriate or when someone goes above the call of duty to provide great service. Restaurant, bar, etc.

If you work at a donut shop, and you hand me a donut. Do not expect a tip. What the hell is wrong with you. You are giving me a donut.

7-11? I am not going to give you a tip for ringing up my slurpee and beef jerky.

I order regular coffee at Starbucks. Just regular coffee, nothing fancy. Don't expect a tip for pouring it. If I walk up and order a foo-foo drink that takes some craftsmanship, then we will talk.

Fast Food establishments? I went to a Mexican fast food joint, there sitting on the window sill of the drive thru. You will not get a tip for handing me a burrito.

This epidemic is spreading across the country. So, we either band together and tell them to get a clue or we make it a common practice for EVERYONE.

At your Human Resources department, "Thank you for giving me benefits information, here is a dollar for your trouble"

Sign at Doctors office: "Gratuity will be automatically added to your bill with all services that deal with colon"

There are an endless stream of people that I would LOVE to tip.

• People at the DMV-They would have a different perspective if they thought it would effect their tip.
• Ride attendant in Disneyland-How much is it worth to you, if you did not have to stand in line
• Cable guy- I know he will be able to tell me an exact time of arrival, if he was expecting a tip.
  
• Police Officer-"Honest officer, it's not a bribe it's a tip"
  

America should not be held hostage by people that THINK they should be tipped. People in the food industry try to anticipate your needs and physically bring you food and drink. That is who you should tip.

If you work behind a counter, you are not really going out of your way. You want to impress me...come to the parking lot, ask for my order and bring me a coffee.