The Rooster

I love cheese.  I would eat it on everything, if I could.  I miss it dearly.  Now that I am losing weight I have cut my beloved cheese, and replaced it with hot sauce.  Why hot sauce?  I read in passing that if you increase the amount of spicy foods in your diet, that over a year you will lose 10-13 pounds.  When I read that, I realized I am not using one of my resources.    

"Here comes the rooster"

I can eat hot food like no other.  My mother makes her own Sambal.  It is an Indonesian hot paste, that is very tasty.  My mom makes it so hot that you would swear that it melted a tattoo or caused internal bleeding, but has a great full flavor.  Basically, I was raised as a fire eater.  Sambal is overkill for most foods, and it is not responsible for me to have around small children, animals and anything combustible.  So I typically don't keep it around the house.  I have instead turned to the Rooster.
You have seen it around and is a staple at most Chinese restaurants.  It is called Sriracha, but is often referred to as Rooster sauce.  It has been a life saver for me.  I keep a bottle at home and one at work.  The bottle in the picture has been in my office for three days, you can see how I plow through it.  I am not suggesting that the Rooster can take the place of cheese, but when your watching the lbs, it makes life bearable.
So if there is anything that you take away from this...the rooster makes everything better.

Update...334.6lbs

Secret Weapon

When I recently came back from vacation, I returned with a mission for weight loss.  I was very open to my coworkers, I weigh myself in my office and update everyone weekly.  This has started an argument about how we all need to lose weight, that in turn led to a challenge.  We broke off into five teams of two and are weighing in weekly.  They say it is like The Biggest Loser, but since I don't watch reality TV, they could have inserted any name in there.


My team mate in this challenge is my Assistant Manager.  She is not doing this because I ordered her, even though I would have if I thought it would make a difference.  She came back from the holidays too with this passion.  She however joined one of those programs that they send you a box of food that is so crappy, you lose weight.  We have been doing good, but one team is doing better.  The other team is starving themselves in order to get the desired results.  Then they are going to reward themselves by eating a side of beef washed down with a keg of beer.  My team is taking the healthy approach.  We are changing the way we see food.  It is with the slow and steady approach that will prevail.  Think Tortoise and the Hare.

Recently my wife found a pasta substitute (Tofu Shirataki) that has us a buzz.  It has become our secret weapon.  It is made of tofu and root vegetable and is 20 calories per 4oz. serving.  Compare that to spaghetti pasta that is 210 calories per 2oz. serving.  This is AWESOME.

You can find this in the tofu section in select grocery stores (Sprouts, Henrys etc).  It is packed in water, and you need to rinse first.  After rinsing you drop into boiling water for 2-3 min.  That is it.  I have had it a few times and have heavily invested in the product.  It is a little rubbery, but for 20 calories it tastes great.  It comes in 8oz. packages, so I feel zero guilt eating a whole package and topping with a moderate sauce. 

I highly recommend this product.  I have had this as regular spaghetti and it was very filling.  Recently I cooked up a pack, added some light marina, sun dried tomatoes and half a chicken breast and was not able to finish it. 

Of course me and my weight loss team mate are not telling the rest of the teams. 

Always read the fine print

Watching what you eat sucks.
Reading the back of labels is depressing.

Every once and while you have a gem.

Look closely at this jar of peanut butter, it says "contains peanuts". I wonder how this happened...

Lawsuit:
The plaintiff is highly allergic to peanuts. It is irresponsible of Jiffy to not disclose that peanuts are used in the manufacture process of peanut butter.

Management meeting at Skippy headquarters:
We are going to have to cut cost. We are going to eliminate the customer service hot-line and just print on the bottle that peanut butter has peanuts in it.

I say that we let people use commons sense and stop spoon feeding them. If you are lacking in this department, you are taking up space. If you cant swim, you wouldn't jump into a pool. You should know what peanut butter's main ingredient is.

We just need to nip this in the bud before water bottles have "contains water" printed on it.

341.2lbs

Euphemism extravaganza

If you love music, sooner or later you will have to address the inevitable music genre. Songs that are about..."polishing the rocket"or self gratification. This is the ultimate category for a true music buff, because it crosses ALL lines. There is not any one band dedicated to these songs. My (make believe) band would dedicate a whole album to it (that album would be called: Arm wrestling the purple headed Stormtrooper). By the way, the name of my (make believe) band is "Captain krunch and the serial killers". Here are some of my favorite songs about "beef stroke-it-off":

Turning Japanese
Dancing with myself
Blister in the sun
My ding a ling

Every music fan should have a list, and it is often deemed controversial. Not because of the subject matter, but because commoners don't believe its true. Really, you thought the Vapors wanted to turn Japanese? It's all about the big O face. As much as Billy Idol liked to dance, when he was dancing with himself, he was "applying the hand break". The Violent Femmes left little to the imagination with "big hands I know your the one" from blister in the sun. Chuck Berry got large groups of people to chant "I want to play with my ding a ling". The list of songs go on and on. For the most part these songs show a certain amount of decorum, by not being too overly obvious. Except Chuck Berry, but he is a legend, so he gets to have a song called "my ding a ling" and it gets into the top ten.

When it comes to "tickling the bean", the ladies are not so discreet. Cindy Lauper did not mince words when she sang "she bop" The Divinyls sang "every time I think of you, I touch myself". Wow, no euphemism needed. Why is it that they can sing about "fluffing the kitty" or "guilding the lily", but their male counterparts have to be more discreet about "batting practice"?

oh, by the way current weight 344.6

"The Plan"

They can put a man on the moon.
They can make a car that runs on used cooking oil.
Then it stands to reason that they can make it easy to lose weight.

C'mon, if they wanted us to eat healthy, they would make healthy food taste better. There should be a room full of scientists that are working on this problem, around the clock. Cheeseburgers and burritos should taste great and be good for you. Keeping us fat is big business.

For years I have been working on, what I call the "Cockroach Theory". The mighty cockroach has withstood the test of time, and will outlive everyone. The cockroach lives off of crap. It will eat anything and everything. So the theory is based on its ability to adapt to the environment. This would be a weak theory if we are looking at how it survives in the wild, but it has managed to thrive in the harsh world of processed foods as well. We have all heard of super viruses, that have mutated to withstand antibiotics. Humans should have evolved to be able to scarf down a bag of Twinkies and 92 ounces of soda, in one sitting. There must be a flaw in our DNA or God not seeing this all the way through, whichever school you subscribe too. It just stands to reason that the human race should have been able to evolve. I will let it go for now, but just know that I will be sending out a strongly worded letter to MENSA and The Vatican.

I am willing to concede that the "Cockroach Theory" has not been a great success for me. I am not prepared to completely dismiss it's validity. I just need to take into consideration that conducting this test on myself, has not proved beneficial. I will be applying for a grant to continue this research within the prison systems. Where they will be fed a steady diet of everything sold at 7-11.

The Plan

I will be losing weight this year. I am not doing a New Year's Resolution, that would make me a wuss. I am also not willing to say I am on a diet, that too would lower my machismo. I have, what I refer to as "The Plan". I am going to lose weight by making better choices. I know, pretty earth shattering. The most important part of this plan is not how I will be doing it. It is that I will post my weight weekly, for the world to see.

That is how I am going to do it...because that takes balls.

Current Weight: 346.0 lbs

New beginings...

I am fat.

There is no hiding it. You see me and you say, "that guy is fat". I like the people that refer to me as big, or even huge. But really, I am fat. Because I am tall, I wear it quite well. So if you are keeping score, that makes me the big fat guy. I sometimes shop at the Big and Tall Store (aka Big and Fat Shop), so that makes it official. I wonder if tall people would like to disassociate themselves from the Fatties and wish there was a Tall Store no where in the neighborhood of the Fat Store.

It does not take a rocket scentist to figure out what the problem is. Hold the presses...I like food. Not only do I like food, I love me the snack foods, aka I eat like a stoner. What is that, you may ask your self. Well If you have every picked up a Dorito and said to your self, "this chip sure could use some nacho cheese", then you know what I mean.

While on vacation I was faced with a food dilemma.

I like to fool myself that I occasionally eat healthy. At work I opt for salads and stay away from the fries. Not bad, for a fattie. Oh, did I mention that I eat for free and the people that feed me are upscale food service providers. In light of that, I think I do pretty good when I get a salad instead of Monte Cristo (fried french toast sandwich with ham and cheese) and Tiramasu. So, I will say it again. Not bad for a fattie.

I was in a restaurant called Shari's in Sacramento. This place looks like an old folks restauraunt. You know the type, Carrows, Denny's etc. I was not looking for high end, just a stick to your ribs meal. As soon as we sit down, my fattie-ness is impressed. On the table they have EVERY condiment on hand. This includes Mayo.

Let me give you some background. I am Dutch, and we eat french fries with Mayo. Actually, In the Mother Land (Netherlands), we eat french fries with a french fry sauce (frite sauce). It is creamy goodness, that can only be invented by a country that has legalized pot and prostitution. The closest thing to it in the States is Mayo.

Here is the a fore mentioned dilemma; there on the menu is a burger with cheese, ham, fried egg and bacon. Go ahead and process that for a moment. Burger+cheese+ham+fried egg+bacon. This is no longer a choice on the menu. This is a challenge! This establishment just earned itself the Paste Eater stamp of approval. A food item that appeals to Fatties, Stoners, Pregnant Mothers with strange cravings and lumber jacks.

You know what needs to happen...


Yes, it was all that you could imagine. Goodness, wrapped in goodness with goodness poured on top. It was like Fat porn.

Now back to reality...
After indulging in the "Gluttony burger extraordinaire" I realized something very disturbing. Something very Edgar Allen Poe. I am being hounded by constant reminders of the massive calories that I have consumed, almost beating in my ears like a drum.

I am standing in line at Target, going to get my kids some popcorn and an Icee. On the menu is the calorie count for each item (look closely). This is insane. If I wanted to eat healthy, I sure the hell would not be standing in line at Target. I figure this must be a fluke. An anomaly.

I was wrong, very wrong. Baker's is a chain of burger/taco shops. I am in the drive thru. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!! It is following me around. Constantly scolding me for my past calorie sins. Why are they telling me each items calorie count??? This is complete madness.

I am not one to walk away from a fight. I have never backed away from a challenge. However, it is time to throw in the grease stained towel.

It is time for me to lose weight.

Currently: 347.8lbs