Club Urgent Care

For three days I have had a pain in my lower abdomen.  Wife thinks I pulled a groin muscle, and she is usually correct.  Because I am so active (fat guy that is active, makes me a "can-do fat guy"), it is not unusual for me to have blood trickling down my leg or be sore, with no explanation.  Well, after three days (and one miserable night of moaning), I decided I needed medical attention.

3:05pm- Arrived in Urgent Care
I don't mind hanging out with sick people.  I do mind being in a waiting room full of people that are bored, and looking forward to having a conversation with me.  Standard Operating Procedure for these situations: look extremely pissed and in pain.  As expected, no conversation.


3:50pm- Initial contact
"Where is this pain? Where on your lower abdomen? Oh, that is not good" How is this good bedside manner?  Then ask me to provide a urine sample?!? I'm sorry but I can't pee right now, but I just shit a brick.  After mustering up some urine...back to the waiting room.

4:15pm- Doctor time!
"Nope, not a hernia.  Nope, not a pulled groin muscle.  Let's go ahead and have you lay down so I can jab my hand into the area until you cry."  At one point I started giving away secrets, just in case she was interrogating me.  After satisfying the Doctors sadistic curiosity, she counseled me.  She told me that I probably have an infection in the colon and lower intestine.  The good news is that it can PROBABLY be treated with antibiotics.  The bad news is, if it is really bad we need to do surgery tonight.  Oh, look at that, another brick fell out of my ass.  "Let's run you through a few tests."

4:25pm- Blood Lab
I walk through a room full of people waiting to be called into the lab, they read my paper work and announce "we need you to straight in, the Doctor has labeled you STAT."  This has given me a sort of attitude, like I had a backstage pass.  Until I realize that maybe there is something wrong with me. 

4:50pm- X-ray
They were almost waiting for me at this department.  They usher me in, ask me to put on a gown and start a series of x-rays.  Getting x-rays, always makes me ask the same question. If it is safe for me to have you use this machine on my body, why are you standing in the next room to operate it?  They never acknowledge this question as being serious.  It just doesn't give me a huge vote of confidence when someone tells me that it is safe, then runs away.

5:35pm- Back in waiting room
I felt guilty going up to the door and knocking, when the entire waiting room is full and I look like I can't wait my turn.  I want to wear a sign that says "They told me to knock" on my chest.  I instead opt for the less obvious visual.  I predominantly display the large piece of gauze taped to my arm and the paper work that says STAT on it.

5:50- Panic in the waiting room
I like being dialed in, when it comes to technology.  I like that I can monitor a grip of email addresses from my phone.  What I learned is sometimes it is a little too much.  Because I logged into my healthcare providers website they are sending me all the results to the tests.  This would normally mean nothing, but they are adding in the "normal range" for each test.  I can see that I am normal in all except the Blood Urea Nitrogen.  This makes me more than nervous.

6:30pm- CT Scan prep
Doctor pulls me aside and says "I wasn't too happy with your tests, lets prep you for a CT scan."  she said this in a full run, as she was about to attend to another patient.  This is probably not something that you want to say in passing.  I'm tired, hungry and thirsty.  So I can't even muster a reply before she disappears into a different room.  I am placed in a room with a bunch of people hooked up to IV's and asked to have a seat and be patient.  At 7:00pm they tell me that I need to drink a huge cup full of liquid chalk spiked with what I can only imagine as being Elephant urine.  I slam it down, wipe the residue off my chin and declare "I'm done, lets go."  They tell me I have to wait 2 hours before they can do the scan, but while I am waiting, they will prep my IV.  Oh, boy! I can sit around for two hours with a piece of tubing running out of my arm, what fun!

7:15-7:27pm- Where's Waldo? (finding a vein)
It turns out when you are dehydrated, your veins are near impossible to find.  I have also come to the conclusion that the huge bucket of chalk and piss has done nothing to help.  I handle this with a pleasant smile.  Not because I am happy, but because I don't want to make them mad.  I don't insult waiters or waitress because they have my food.  I'm going to be really nice to a person that is trying to insert something into my body.

9:00pm- Donut eats man
At this point in my day, I am trying my best to hide my fatigue. The first technician greets me with a smile and asks how I am doing.  She did not accept my answer and told me that I look sick and tired. The second technician just stared at me and announced, "you look like hell."  They shove me into the scanner, which looks like a giant glazed donut.  Seven minutes later, I am done and on my way back to the Doctor.

10:30pm- Prognosis
Infection in lower intestine and colon.  No I did not ask how I got it.  It is not something you think of when you are hungry, tired and dehydrated.  I just took my handful of prescriptions and wanted to go to the pharmacy.  As I am leaving a nurse turns to me and makes a comment, she says "thanks for coming, it is always a party".  I tell her "This is the worst nightclub EVER.  The drinks taste like crap, the only thing that looks like food, you stuck me INTO and all the girls wanted to poke holes in me.  I'm pretty sure this club sucks".