Intro to Old People 101

Greetings Class:
This is Intro to Old People 101, also known as Oldie 101.  This is not Advanced Elderly, but it is a prerequisite if you plan to move forward to Adv Oldie.  If this is not the class you signed up for, please leave immediately.  Thank you.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself.  You can call me Professor.  Not The Professor, I was not stranded on a island with Gilligan.  No you cannot call me by my first name, I am not your friend.  However, you can feel free to call me Dude, if you want to get thrown out of my class.  I am not pompous or full of myself, I earned the title, so use it.

I have spent the last ten years working at a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC).  That is a community that has Independent, Assisted, Skilled Nursing and Dementia Living.  All from the position as Director of Environmental Services.  In other words, I know all the dirt on old people.

In this class you will learn about the Oldies.  Why do you need to learn about them? So you can break the cycle.  So you won't grow old and be one of them.  Aging gracefully is a dying art (pun intended), and it is your responsibility to learn how to do so.  I will also teach you how to deal with the Oldies.  This will in turn, save you years of frustration.  I spent the time in their natural environment, for your benefit.  So I hope that you put the work in, and don't drop this class.  I promise you this, you will benefit from my knowledge.

Example: Cake
Never take cake for granted.  It is not what it seems.  Cake has a layer of frosting, this frosting will save you.  In the industry, we call this the spit guard.  Take the cake, flip it upside down, and eat from the bottom and stop at the frosting.  Old People spit and drool more than a baby.  If cake is offered to you, they drooled on it.  And for God's sake, don't make an Oldie blow out their birthday candles.  It's like launching spit through a leaf blower.

This is the tip of the old iceberg, I'll see you here next week.

Class dismissed.