BEWARE!

I was leading a two man expedition through a home improvement store. My daughter was very eager to complete this task and take our treasures back to base camp. It is often during these small, under-prepared outings that the biggest finds are uncovered. We had just left the fasteners and were well on our way to completing the task. As we rounded the corner near door locks, we were greeted by the sound of keys being made. The grinding of metal was filling the air. The artisan hard at work as the patron was beaming with the prospect of his new novelty key being made. It was apparent he was going to treasure this Winnie the Pooh key, like no other.

As I slowly made my way past I saw in the distance something that made me reach for my trusty camera. Something that set the hairs on the back of my neck on end. I plunged my hand into my pocket, to come up empty handed. I turned to my travel companion and expected that she may be some assistance in this matter. She however was focused on the pack of candy that I had bribed her with, so she would join me. I went for my phone and unleashed it's camera.

It may be half woman half bear. I am really not sure. By the looks of it, the specimen was very aggressive. The expression engrained on it's face was so sour, that I felt we could be in danger. I would have felt better with the safety of real camera and zoom lens. We had nothing but our shopping cart to protect us.

In our horror, she attacked one of the home improvement centers workers. As she insisted that they check in the back for a certain item that she was in need of. Apparently she did not understand the warehouse concept, and that there was not "back of the store". She relentlessly badgered him. Tearing him limb from limb.

It was here that I knew that I needed to abort the operation and head for higher ground.

We barely escaped with our lives. But I would do it all again.

STORM WATCH 2010

Southern California is on the brink of declaring a state of emergency. There are vast amounts of water falling from the sky.

I can only guess that it is a major travesty. Every news channel has this story as it's lead. It is rain, just rain. This is far from being news worthy. I don't know why they have to send all the reporters to the side of the road, to look at the rain. Crap, I can do that. As a matter of fact, I can see the rain without getting wet. It is called a window. I will say, that it does make me laugh. This poor schmuck spent years climbing up the network ladder, to be standing in a puddle, talking about rain. I'm sure this is not where they saw their career headed.

I'm just a little embarrassed. I like Southern California. What is not to like. We have all the same nut jobs as the rest of the country, sprinkled with a dash of sunshine served in a big fruity glass with a tiny umbrella. I don't like that people on the east coast, will see this and think we are sissies (note, I have not used this word since I was 8. We are going to need to bring it back).

We have run out of things to complain about, when we complain about the 7 days a year that we get rain.

genetics

Every once and a while, we are reminded..."we are what we are".

I am convinced that it is our DNA that drives us to do some of the dumb things that we do. I'm pretty sure one of my ancestors pulled some practical joke gone bad and was stoned (not in the good way) by the other cavemen. Maybe he made one too many "erect" jokes, and they got sick of him. I can see it now "you no walk erect. Uhg, you have erectile dysfunction!". Then at the weekly caveman management team meeting (that my ancestor notoriously blows off), they decide "that not funny". Rock to the dome.

We were also there when Claudius Adidas invented the shoe. As he proudly showed them off for the Emperor and his men. It was my family that invented the "flat tire." This was of course met with great laughter.

I hold my end of the family tradition. One of my favorites, is the gag I pulled on my assistant. I took a perfect picture of her computer desktop. I then removed all the icons from her desktop. I imported the picture of her desktop, then made the image her desktop background. She could not click on any of her icons. Because, they were not there. It was all her background. I know, genius.

All this comes at a price.

This video shows my daughter in swim class. The instructor is having them practice kicking.



You will notice that point, the point where it was no longer enough to splash water.
You will see that eventually my daughter tries to kick the little boy next to her.

That is DNA.

Anonymous cup of coffee

*****The name of this particular, well known coffee company has been changed. The bottom line. They can make me disappear in the night, to be found under under a pile of coffee grounds.

I was hit with an news onslaught about "Tarbucks" coffee. It was on the radio in the paper, all over the AP wire...

After hearing complaints from customers about their coffees, "Tarbucks" is telling its baristas to stop making more than two drinks at a time and to take other steps that might slow things down a bit when you're waiting in line for your latte, the Wall Street Journal reports.

THIS IS HEADLINE NEWS?!?!?!?

If you care this much to be upset, then they own you.
It is a small step before you are turning tricks for "Tarbucks".

It should not be a big deal that they are slowing down to get you your coffee. Hell, I can't believe that they even get your long ass order correct. "Non-fat, half-calf, three pump, four shot....."

You have lost sight of what is important.

You are paying five bucks for a cup of coffee. You idiot.
That is what you should be pissed about. Not that they can't pour it down your throat as you drive by. It's only coffee. If it means that much to you, get off your fat ass and make it yourself. This is why other countries hate us. There is an 8 year old with bloody fingers, sewing buttons on your 100 dollar jeans, for a bowl of rice a day (nod to Jello Biafra)...

I hope this makes you feel better for complaining. Now, pour yourself a big heaping cup of "shut the hell up."

Vegitarians

I eat meat.
This is not a big surprise if you met me. Turns out, there are not a lot of fat vegetarians.

Here is my take on it:
Eating other animals ensures our dominance of the food chain. If word gets out that we are soft, then the stronger more aggressive animals will take over. Monkeys are vegetarians. They are freakishly strong. The only thing that keeps them from ripping off our arms and taking over the world is that we are not above eating them.

Now, to the meat and potatoes...

I get that you don't eat meat. That is your thing. You are not doing your part to hold back the hordes of monkeys that are edging their way in, but whatever. What I don't get is, pretending to eat meat.

I give you Exhibit A
Big cans of fake hotdogs and scallops

and Exhibit B
Big cans of fake chicken patties, beef patties and steak.


If you are proud to be a vegetarian, then eat freakin vegetables. Why do you insist on eating crap shaped like meat, then tell me meat is murder????

Get over yourself.
If you are eating this, just eat meat.
If you are eating this, then you are a poser.


Disclaimer:
If you do not eat this packaged crap you are not on my list. If I offend you, I doubt you possess the upper body strength to do anything about it.

Action Jackson

This is not how a desk jockey dresses. This is the guy that walks in the meeting and announces "now...let the meeting begin". Question is...who are you going to be?

nut and bolt cufflinks

Why are you wearing gold plated foo-foo cufflinks??? Are you afraid to get dirty??? I thought you were a freakin' man?!?!? Show off your manliness with cast resin nut and bolt cufflinks. If you don't own a pair of these, you are a puss.

I will be by later on, to take your lunch money.