Saturday, November 27, 2010

Why?...why not

Everyday that you roam the Earth, you are surrounded by endless beautiful sights. Like sunsets and the changing of the seasons. These are things we take for granted, things that we only see after living through a tragic event. Something or someone has to wake you up, to the world. Just as you cannot have good without bad, there is as equal amount of stupidity.

I am here to wake you up.

The first stop on our trip is the dentist. And when you think about dental work, don't you wish you could get a tattoo too? Well, your troubles are over. Now you can get a root canal and crown tattoo at the same time. This is what are society is based on, EFFICIENCY.

After you explain to your health insurance why you have a tattoo on your dental bill, you are going to need to assess your health. The perfect place to start a healthy lifestyle is build a better diet. Your local department store will be happy to assist you with this chore.

Why pay for someone to cook you a hotdog, when you can pop it in its own handy toaster. Why wade through the pesky process of properly cooking a hotdog. Why pay attention to those pesky recommended internal temperatures.

While your at it, buy the girdle next to the hotdog toaster. Face it, you don't have the time to stick to a diet. Not when the local coffee house has a drink that is 15000 calories. Not when you can get a hotdog from a toaster. Stuff yourself in this thing and get yourself a friend that is fatter and dumber than you. That way, you will always look thinner and seem smarter.

These are the building blocks of our society. This is why America is free. This is why we are bad "mother cluckers."

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Black Friday

The Day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year. This day will make or break a store. Retailers use this as a gauge for the entire holiday season and an overall assessment of the economy as a whole. Blah blah blah economics.

This holiday season, I would like you to take a few things into consideration.

I worked retail for a lot of years. Newsflash...it sucks. I got out of it so that I could enjoy my holiday season. Don't get me wrong, there are some really great perks to working retail. While you are staring at ads and devising a master plan how you are going take advantage of all these deals, we have already unpacked the merchandise and played with it to see if we want it. Then when you stand in line at 2am and fight off hordes of bloodthirsty shoppers, we have hidden the some of the items you are looking for so we can buy them for our families. You accuse people at the store for doing this, and we deny it. Wait for it....we are lying (insert evil laugh here).

Don't judge us. We have to deal with you and your kid that just rearranged the entire toy section. We just dealt with the fact that all 32 ounces of your jumbo soda was spilled on the floor. If you don't like it, go get a job at a store. This will guarantee to blacken your heart.

Now if you still insist in camping out for the newest "tickle my crap toy" or the "Nintendostation 3", please be nice to us. We did not wake you and your cranky husband at 1am. We did not cause the cold front that froze your cheap butt. We did not invite the 2000 people that are in line before you. This was your choice. And no matter how many times you ask, we are not going to tell you where we hid the last item. You are trying to take the one good thing away from having to cater to you, your Highness.

So when you drive up and that line is wrapped around the building. Don't get out of your car. Go back home, get into bed and shop online.

Friday, November 19, 2010

HULK GET MAD!!!!

Much to the chagrin of those around me, I do not get embarrassed.
This is a pretty crappy superpower.

It does whoever, come in really handy when I am collecting subjects for my social experiment/soap box/blog. I understand that a lot of what I write is sent off into cyberspace never to be seen by humans. There is that off chance that the entire Internet is being monitored by an alien life form. If that is the case, they have already formed an opinion of us and are assembling an armada that will decimate our civilization.

That being said, most of my entries are a feeble attempt to save my life. I want to show these superior beings that I am not a mindless drone and possess a certain amount of bravery and valor. This should be evident in this picture:

This dude is huge. There is a strong possibility that he can bench press my car. But when you decide to wear skin tight silver shorts into the store. I'm going to have to document it.

Let us recap. The Hulk is walking around in store with his girlfriend. He is wearing tight silver shorts and checking out another woman. Please feel free to re-examine.

My problem is not with the Hulk. He is who he is because of gamma radiation. My problem lies with his woman. She is a huge black hole for self esteem. This must be the case, because he is snapping back his neck to check this other woman out with complete disregard to his current girlfriend or wife. Who hurt you?? Whatever they did, they done broke you good.

I'm going to have to call this right now. In about one year she will get a set of bolt-ons (breast enlargement) and Hoover her ass (Liposuction). In two years she will walk in on him, her best friend and her sister having sex, and convince herself that they are man stealing bitches. In three years, when the money from Incredible Hulk series runs out, she will be a "lot lizard" (prostitute who specializes in truckers).

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Turlock?


Greetings from Turlock!

Why Turlock? It is just where we ended up today. And I'm here to say, this is waaay worth it. I have seen some wonderful sights over the past 12 hours.

This is the land of multi-tasking.
Everyone should go to the local fruit barn and get fresh local fruit and vegetables.


While you are shopping for fresh fare. It only stands to reason that you should combine it with purse shopping.

That is cross merchandising at its best.

However I would take a page out of my ghetto handbook and give this advice. "Never get high, on your own supply".

And when you have a truck load of Apple dumblings, make sure you don't eat them all your self.

..cause aint nothin' worse than being stuck in line at wally-mart behind some kids, all hopped up on the Apple Dumblin'




Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Lil' Fight Club

The first rule of Lil' Fight Club:
You do not talk about Lil' Fight Club


It takes a certain type a person that will gather kids around and make them fight. I witnessed this recently and was aghast.

I immediately wanted to question the moral aspect. The fact that grown men are being entertained by this blood sport. Then I realized that I cannot jump to conclusions and that maybe there is good reason for this.

Maybe these 4 and 5 year old kids, go to really bad preschool and parents feel that they need the added benefit of knowing how to kill another human with their bare hands.

Maybe parents believe that children lack discipline and would benefit from knowing how to kill another human with their bare hands.

Or just maybe the "Super Hero Factor" has taken over parents lives.

What is the Super Hero Factor??
Thank you for asking...

Everyone knows in the back of their mind, which super power (if they could have one) they would like to have. I don't want to sound sexist, but women take a little longer to realize it than men. Men have been waiting for someone to ask them their whole life. Go ahead try it out. Ask someone in your office, If you could have any super power, what would it be. Men will answer before you finish question. Man from IT department will pull out drawing of the costume that they would wear from (Velcro Incredible Hulk) wallet.

Most people will give the standard answers and it typically says a lot about that person.
Ability to fly= Wants to be noticed, wants recognition.
Invisibility= Wants to drop out of society or is really creepy.
Super Strength= Picked on most of life and is looking for payback.

These people lack imagination and drive. These people are watching reality TV. I want to shake these people until they pass out, then write "loser" on their face with a Sharpie.

My super power is Weight Transfer. The ability to transfer body weight from myself or anyone else onto another person. I would be life of the party and crime would cease, when I make all criminals morbidly obese and unmotivated.

About right now, you are kicking yourself for not coming up with that. This is what happens when you live in a box. You need to go and make it happen yourself. Pick your own super power and don't wait for the list of pre-approved powers. This is a call to arms. Be your own super hero.

Cause there are going to be a lot of well trained 5 year olds and someone has to help me stop them.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Centaur

Of all the Greek Mythological creatures that I have encountered on the street, the Centaur is my favorite. He is brash and unmanned, but deep inside he has a heart of gold. I like to think of him as poison on the outside, with a sweet filling. Just be careful not to cross him, or catch him in a bad mood. Here is Esteban, our neighborhood centaur and crossing guard.


He greets some with a smile and others with a joke. Everyone loves Esteban. Being born a Centaur has been a hard life for him. You see, he is half man, half horse. This is not an ideal combination. Oh you envy him at first, but in all honesty, he is not the ladies man that you would think. Being half man, half horse also tends to leave you in a sour moods on occasion.

As you see here...


This is just before he galloped after my car, cussing and spitting (as Centaurs often do). I know he is upset with me now, but I will always have a place in my heart for you Esteban.